2007 BetBot Predictions Sep 7, 2007 | More

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50 ’ s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot ’ s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.

The Betbot ’ s column is transcribed each week by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “ Typing is a dame ’ s BZZZT job. ”

“ Betbot! Where have you been!”

-           Harry Jameson, Head Chef at Delmonico’s Restaurant, New York City

“Hey Betbot, long time no see!!”

-           Tony “Quickcrete” Luchesi, VP of “Operations”, Las Vegas Sanitation Dept. (yes, his business card has quotation marks around the word Operations)

“Ooooh … Betbot!”

-Svetlana, my longtime Russian girlfriend during our latest Session of Sweet

Now, except for the last quote (which I threw in to prove a point… about me getting lucky all the time… but I digress), you’ll notice a common thread. Perhaps, you have been wondering the same thing, where have I been? Well, here and there, mostly here – in Vegas, taking care of business. You may or may not remember that I had some money issues due to an incompetent manager (who I love dearly, still… Maury, I bleeping love you) and a demanding love life. I have been taking on a number of side projects to make some extra money, hopefully faster than Svetlana can spend it. That broad has some expensive tastes.

You may also recall that I was a successful author in the early 70s, I wrote these three novels during that time, which were quite successful in a blooming modern romance revival:

The Mysterious Loosening of Beatrice Quickham

The Scandalous Sausaging of Maggie Lovefield

The Surprising Quickening of Eliza Mayhew

Well, my new agent, who I must simply mention – Chad White (yeah, a little WASP-ier than I like to deal with in most of my affairs, but this young dynamo is a go getter!) thought outside the box a bit and contacted some successful authors with the thought of me co-writing a series. Well, the second call he placed was… BZZT… to James Patterson (Kiss the Girls, Along Came a Spider) who immediately jumped at the idea. Patterson came up with the idea, the plot and a lot of the plot points, and I wrote the dialogue.

I was so excited! Patterson spins gold out of his… well, he spins gold out of what he ate the night before. Patterson only had a few good books in him, but he is a marketing machine! He’s the Thomas Kinkade of the literary world, except where Kinkade is a one trick pony (I bleeping get it, lights on snow… in a village… now paint something else, Picasso), Patterson has a couple good ideas.

Well, Patterson’s well must have run dry, cause the book outline he gave stank worse than Don Knotts in a sauna (Rest in Peace, my friend). The series was to be about a 25 year old traveling chef (Named Rosemary Chryme… yes… really) who solves crimes as a hobby. Talk about a stretch! The series is going to be called The Spice of Death and the first book is to be called:

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary Chryme

As you can tell, I had my work cut out for me… The series is still called the same thing, and the title of the book is the same, but I was given free range over everything else (OK, I couldn’t change Rosemary’s name either)… Let’s just say I really spiced it up, and the pages are littered with imaginative Sessions of Sweet. I can’t get into details, since this is a family column, but let’s just say you’ll never… BZT… look at your pantry the same way again.

So, now that I have that first book behind me – it’s time to talk NFL. And as always, we start with my predictions for each division  - Remember the rules here folks:

I call ‘em like I see ‘em

I am right more often than not

If I don’t like your team’s chances, don’t take it personally, Mindy

AFC East

Just like: George W. Bush

The right mix of sustained mediocrity and moments of utter incompetence (see: Ted Ginn) means one thing: the rich get richer.

New England Patriots (12-4)

New York Jets (9-7)

Buffalo Bills (7-9)

Miami Dolphins (7-9)

The other day I heard someone crying about how Travis Henry and Tom Brady were getting treated differently over their illegitimate children. Well, if I bring donuts to work and you eat one, I don’t think much of it. If you eat nine, you’re a bleeping selfish pig.

New York is a decent team with good QB depth. But the best thing about the Jets is that their head coach is named Mangenius.

Buffalo lost a ton of players on defense, but something’s brewing on offense with JP Losman and Lee Evans. If their youngsters on defense can make some noise this team could be a spoiler.

I still can’t believe the Dolphins passed on Brady Quinn. This is the kind of blunder we expect from the Jets, not Miami . Think about how the fans must feel – their team just passed over a franchise QB in favor of a kick returner.

AFC West

Just like: The Jimmy Johnson era Cowboys

Not even Norv Turner can screw this up.

San Diego Chargers (10-6)

Denver Broncos (9-7)

Oakland Raiders (5-11)

Kansas City Chiefs (3-13)

San Diego is busy patting themselves on the back over the Michael Vick trade. Well, last I checked the Falcons have seen a championship game recently. How much credit you want me to give a front office that can’t find a better coach than Norv Turner?

Mike Shanahan thinks he’s so smart constantly fiddling with his backfield and thumbing his nose at fantasy owners. Yeah, well at least some of us have won a title without John Elway. Enjoy another season of mediocrity, genius.

Oakland ’s defense is actually pretty decent, no doubt the result of extreme confidence from dominating the pitiful Raiders offense in practice.

Chiefs GM Carl Peterson on HBO’s Hard Knocks: “I think we have the right mix of young players and veterans…to take us where we all want to go.” True, if where you want to go is the top of the 2008 NFL Draft.

AFC North

Just Like: “Steely McBeam”

Only Pittsburgh is going to be happy with the results. Everyone else will be recoiling in horror.

Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5)

Cincinnati Bengals (9-7)

Baltimore Ravens (8-8)

Cleveland Browns (6-10)

Let’s start at the bottom, shall we? Dawg Pound – the Brady Quinn Era starts sooner rather than later.

Steve McNair , Steve McNair, Steve McNair – I would love this team if I had any faith that McNair can stay healthy. As it is, I err on the side of caution and give them a whopping 3 less wins.

One of the winners in the Michael Vick saga- the Bengals PR team… The Bengals will score lights out again, but unless a defense shows up – they will be scrapping for the last Wild Card spot in the AFC.

The Steelers are a deep, talented team. As I said last year, don’t rely too much on Mr. Roethlyzplyk and they will be fine (OK, I said almost the same thing for them last year – I admit it when I am really wrong).

AFC South

Just Like: Stone Temple Pilots

The first two records are great; everything else is pretty darn mediocre.

Indianapolis Colts (11-5)

Jacksonville Jaguars (10-6)

Tennessee Titans (7-9)

Houston Texans (7-9)

More of the same from the Colts. An offense that can hurt you a number of ways, and a defense that I have major doubts about with Post – Super Bowl attrition.

Jacksonville Jaguars this high, what I am, drunk? As a matter of fact, I am – but see the Steelers write up above and if the Jags follow that formula, they’ll sneak into the playoffs (yes, I bleeping know Leftwich is gone).

Vince Young comes back to earth a bit, but continues maturing. The Titans aren’t there yet; but I have faith in Jeff Fisher (his barber, not so much).

Houston Texans get a QB who isn’t completely shell shocked and show some progress. You should be happy, Houston , you’ll get to the playoffs some day – with Schaub as the QB. (and no, I am not going any further out on a limb than that… I weigh .45 tons!!)

NFC East

Just Like: A cheesesteak

Disappointing once you leave Philadelphia

Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)

Dallas Cowboys (8-8)

Washington Redskins (8-8)

New York Giants (6-10)

Eagles’ brass insists they’re competing for a championship, but actions speak louder than words. They spent their first draft pick on the 3^rd string QB. Good enough to win this division because of Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook, but the defense is so soft.

I’d like Dallas better if their receivers weren’t old and Tony Romo didn’t fade like a bad dye job down the stretch. They should have a solid defense but not much else.

The Redskins will improve just by having Jason Campbell under center all year. Anyone who thinks Clinton Portis is a #1 fantasy back is on drugs, he’s got a bum knee and that means time sharing with Ladell Betts.

In five years Giants fans will be saying that we need to be patient with Eli Manning because he’s only entering his ninth season. Look kids, it’s his 3^rd year as a starter – start facing reality, he’s just not that bleeping special.

NFC West

Just Like: The WNBA

Someone wins, nobody cares.

San Francisco 49ers (9-7)

Seattle Seahawks (9-7)

St. Louis Rams (8-8)

Arizona Cardinals (7-9)

Mike Nolan coaches naked, then proclaims “The NFL said I could wear a suit – how about my birthday suit!? Yeah, ahaahahhahah!!!” It could happen.

I am the egg man. I am the egg man. I am Mike Holmgren. Goo goo ga joob.

I kind of like this Steven Jackson, he has a lot of moxie.  Bill Parcells really soiled the sheets on that draft pick. Still, St. Louis hasn’t been good on defense in some time and Torry Holt has a bum knee. That’s not good if your job requires lots of running.

You know how everyone kept picking the Atlanta Braves to win the NL East just because they did it like 15 years in a row? Well, the equivalent in football is the pre-season comment “One of these years Arizona is going to put it all together.” I keep trotting that out and it keeps working.

NFC North

Just Like: Two Helpings of Oatmeal

Two bland, but fulfilling, experiences – followed quickly by crap.

Chicago Bears (9-7)

Green Bay Packers (9-7)

Detroit Lions (5-11)

Minnesota Vikings (4-12)

Chicago is my kind of town! The Bears are going to be a scary ride for their fans, though.

Green Bay challenges for a playoff spot. This time around the defense carries the offense through tough games (all bets are off if Driver is really hurt though – good defense or not).

My prediction heuristics now weigh heavily against any team Matt Millen is involved with. Lots of points for AND against the Lions this year.

Ugh… Kelly Holcomb should be the starter for the Vikings this year, but they need to see if Tarvaris Jackson is for real. I sense a rift in the locker room between offense and defense by week 8.

NFC South

Just Like: Sherman ’s March to the sea.

The South is on fire, but only Atlanta gets burned.

New Orleans Saints (10-6)

Carolina Panthers (10-6)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-8)

Atlanta Falcons (4-12)

The Saints aren’t going to be a patsy any more. Sean Payton’s team is a quality team, they have a target on their backs this year, but still make another playoff run.

It’s hard to call the Panthers a surprise team given their 5 year history, but they are. I think defense drags this team into the playoffs in a weak NFC.

Jeff Garcia has proven his worth as a QB when he has a couple weapons around him. If Cadillac Williams can survive the year, and take advantage of a passing threat, the Bucs rise to mediocrity.

Sorry Falcon fans. ‘Nuff Said…