Matt Calabro
Fantasy Anonymous


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(awkwardly ambles to podium)
Hi everyone. Um, my name is Matt.

(group) Hello, Matt

I, uh. Well, this is new to me. I’ve never been to a Fantasy Anonymous meeting. Honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever even thought about discussing my…my problem. You see…I’m a fantasy idiot.

(heavy sigh)

Gosh! That feels so good just to say it. I’m a fantasy idiot. I’M A FANTASY MORON!

(nervous laughter)

I guess the first time I realized I had a problem was a few years ago. I showed up to the draft, hoping not to make the same mistakes in years past. I was clear-eyed, well-rested, I had my whole life in front of me! I was ready for a new beginning. Ready for a fresh start.

Three hours later I came to, face down in a puddle of buffalo wing sauce, a crumpled roster sheet balled into my fist. Never again, I swore. Never again.

(dabs eyes with tissue)

As I smoothed out the creases of the paper, I realized the full extent of what I had done:
Marion Barber and Clinton Portis ? They were busts for me last year! Derek Anderson ? Oh, oh my no. Dwayne Bowe in the second round? Bowe! Booooooowe!

It never went away. Every year, I’d try to remember, try to avoid the same mistakes. Every year, I’d find myself back at the draft, in a haze of meat lover’s pizza and Bachman Turner Overdrive blasting from the commissioner’s laptop speakers. I need to get clean; I need to be whole. And I really want to destroy the other guys in the league. Thanks for listening.

(applause)

Don’t worry, that’s as far as I’m taking it.

We all sometimes have a problem at our fantasy draft. Here now is my own six-step program, based on the tenets we should all strive toward.

1. Don’t trust your $5 draft guide more than your gut.

Experts are great. Whether I’ve cornered a doctor at a dinner party to ask about this weird thing on my neck, or I stop by my local mechanic to ask about this weird thing on my inner thigh, you can’t beat the word of a pro. Trouble is, sometimes their knowledge and expertise can’t beat good ol’-fashioned horse sense. Sometimes you just got to listen to your gut.

Now, sometimes your gut wonders aloud why you chose to eat both the Sausage Stromboli and the Double Widowmaker Burger with extra bacon, when you could have just chosen one, or perhaps neither. Other times, your instincts are the only thing you can rely upon: weather emergencies, hostage crises, the batteries in the remote died and you’re stuck watching The Chew.

Come time for your draft, don’t be afraid to go with your gut on a pick that those stuffed shirt ‘pros’ would scoff at.

That said …

2. What are you, an idiot? You don’t know crap about fantasy; trust the pros!


Walking into your fantasy draft is a lot like walking onto a used car lot, insofar that as soon as I do both, I find the nearest guy in a polo, get an inch from his face, sniff really loudly and whisper, “fear.”

Similarly, drafting a fantasy team and buying a car are a lot alike: it’s all about the information you have at that moment. And in the year 2014, just as you can find a stun gun that looks like an iPhone and bacon-scented deodorant, you can also find a wealth of fantasy football information. Magazines, internet, radio, television … it seems you can find opinions on fantasy in pretty much every form of media. Frankly, it’s your own fault if you wander into the draft without as much information as you can cram into your cranium.


Fantasy Football Draft Tool


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