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Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT … is a dame’s job.”

I’m going to get right into the meat of the article right away. The most pressing question I have is - what the hell is NFL referee Jerome Boger doing while locked out? Shrimping? Clubbing? Crocheting? I must bleeping know! Seriously though, why is this even a news story? Has anyone you know actually complained about replacing the NFL referees? Like we care about a group of entitled blowhards that felt they were any kind of big story. Be seen and not heard, gentlemen. I, for one, welcome the new referees and their quiet enthusiasm about working at the highest level of football. I hope they can carry out their task with humility and keep their flags in their pockets as much as possible. Also, this would be a good time for me to remind you that we have the technology to ref the game remotely using video evidence. Why not replace human referees with robots armed with video cameras? Robots would make the best referee crews, and I’m not just saying this just to spur discussion. It’s a well-known fact.

NFC NOTES

Michael Vick got ripped in the offseason for saying the Philadelphia Eagles could be a dynasty. The question he was asked was a setup, a…BZZT…gotcha question asked by a reporter trying to recreate the whole ‘Dream Team’ debacle from last year. I had many run-ins with the press in the 1970s, especially during my torrid affair with Angie Dickinson; they are all scum suckers, except for Dan Rather, Peter Jennings and Edward R. Murrow . Walter Cronkite , I have no use for him after we got into a drunken argument at Frank Sinatra’s 70th birthday party. I’ll never forgive you Cronkite – never!!

Josh Morgan recently said Robert Griffin III had a combination of skills of Michael Vick, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning – like some kind of Football Voltron – no pressure or anything, Griffin III.

The Cowboys have the first win of the season. Way too much has been and will be made of the victory and the loss. And of course, now someone in your league will blow their free agent budget to grab Kevin Ogletree off waivers. I approve of this irrational exuberance. It’s only fictitious currency and better to spend it now while the league is still wide open. Sometimes you end up grabbing Victor Cruz 2011.

One thing in which I am confident: the Arizona Cardinals are going to suck this year. It wasn’t even four years ago that this team was in the Super Bowl. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that someone other than a quarterback should be league Most Valuable Player.

Brian Urlacher has a wonky knee, and that’s not the worst news I hear. He’s broken up with Jenny McCarthy, a true catastrophe for his personal life if McCarthy’s recent interview with Howard Stern can be believed. Jay Cutler is almost certainly poking around looking to hit that on the rebound.

AFC NOTES

Big talk around town about Pittsburgh running back Jonathan Dwyer, and while I like him as a pickup, let’s not forget that Pittsburgh is a pass-first offense. Not that Dwyer can’t serve a nice role - especially as a waiver wire fill-in - just saying let’s temper expectations for anyone running behind that aptly named offensive line.

The Steelers also picked up someone named Demarcus Van Dyke. I. Love. That. Name.

Heralded rookie Trent Richardson looks to start this weekend against the Philadelphia Eagles, and I have mixed feelings about recommending him for your lineup. On one hand, he’s extremely talented and playing for an offense that has almost nobody else, so he’ll get his chances. On the other hand, he’s been out almost all preseason and this game has all the makings of a trash can fire, with the Eagles jumping out to a lead and limiting Cleveland’s ability to run the ball. I expect the Browns will start Richardson, but they aren’t going to force him into action in a blowout. I’d pass for the first week.

Speaking of the Browns, Art Modell passed away this week. I am told that any time Cleveland suffers, an angel gets her wings. So Modell is responsible for a lot of angels getting their wings. What he did to the Browns is basically the worst thing an owner can do. End of story. Pretty much all I have to say about Modell. Now, to the national media trying to fluff this guy up by saying he was instrumental in pro football’s rise in popularity, etc. - kindly shut it. Nobody wants to look like a jerk for speaking ill of a dead man, so it’s tough to send a proper retort to the glowing praise. Just let it go.

And to the imbeciles who favor Modell for the Hall of Fame - well, I don’t really care much about the Hall of Fame. It exists only so that people like Peter King can set the narrative for football history. And there’s no money in that for me. But the answer is still no on Modell. A thousand times, no.

One thing I am looking forward to this season: the New York Jets media circus. Mark Sanchez is a pretty crummy quarterback at the NFL level, but nobody deserves to have the golden boy looking over his shoulder. Seriously, Tim Tebow is terrible at pro football. People need to get over this. What I don’t understand is why seemingly intelligent people think Tebow would be just great at running back or tight end like he’s some kind of football savant. Nonsense.

So long for now, and remember “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and…BZZT…gin.”