And then I woke up.

It feels like we’ve warped into an alternative NFL universe. Tiki Barber, Corey Dillon and Curtis Martin are among the league rushing leaders, while Ahman Green, Edgerrin James, Jamal Lewis and Clinton Portis are trying to find the top five. Reuben Droughns has stolen the crown that was anointed in preseason for Garrison Hearst and Tatum (Tinker) Bell. You won’t find Randy Moss, Terrell Owens or Marvin Harrison in the top five receiving yards leaders, and Tony Gonzalez is the second best tight end in the NFL, with several usurpers lurking close by. Two of the top five leaders in receptions are tight ends, neither whose name sounds even remotely hispanic.

I was the guy behind him in the Atlantic Hammerhead draft

Had there been a mention, a slightest whiff of this from anyone in the tank this preseason that person would have been shredded into plankton and left for the sandsharks. In the mean time seemingly quality drafts have left fantasy team owners scratching their collective noggins and frantically scouring the waiver wires in search of help, any help.

Peyton Manning is busy rewriting or threatening Dan Marino’s single season records for yards and touchdowns. He is averaging a tad under 3.5 touchdowns per game and a little over 300 yards per game, and doing so with a sizzling 122.7 quarterback rating.

Miami is a pitiful 1-8, tied with San Francisco for the NFL’s version of "Les Miserables" but with a completely talentless cast. They’ve fired the director, who shouldn’t have had a job in the first place this year. Do you think Marino smelled something fishy when he accepted a job in the Dolphin head office, only to run screaming from the building just a couple short weeks later?

The Atlanta Falcons are 7-2. Huh? And Michael Vick is NOT having a pro bowl year. Atlanta is doing it with defense. Wait, I’m feeling a little dizzy. Let me sit down for a minute. Rich McKay has been mentioned as the replacement for Paul Tagliabue but if he can somehow bring a championship to Atlanta he might be the next governor in Georgia or more. Can you imagine the next presidential election? Arnold Schwartzeneger and all his muscles squaring off against the bookish McKay? McKay by a landslide in that one!

Would someone please get the polish out for their crystal ball and give

"Oh lord, wontcha buy me, a color TV. My team is gone home now, no playoffs for me..."