Our scene opens in a draft room as the camera slowly creeps towards a rather sullen-looking gentleman, sitting on the uncomfortable kitchen stool, rifling through cheat sheets and depth charts and injury reports. “There has to be a gem in here somewhere,” his inner voice screams.
No.
There is no help for you there.
This is going to be same story as last year, and the year before that. Your season is going to end early, and it is going to end badly. Your keepers are going to stink. Your early draft picks are going to be mediocre at best, and when you do hook a big fat marlin of a pick, you’re going to be left with Michael Bush and Kenny Britt to try and help you pull that sucker into the boat. Good luck with all of that!
What are you willing to do?!?
Be the man. Be the risk taker. Who’s going to be your wide receivers? Vincent Jackson and Santonio Holmes, that’s who. Sure, they are out for like four weeks with suspensions, but you were probably going to lose those games anyway. But alas, you know what you really want to do. You pretend you aren’t going to do it but you will - like my ex thinking she could leave tubs of Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer and be able to resist eating them (right through the cardboard container … really something to behold). You are going to fill your roster with a whole bunch of middle-of-the-road guys. You know who I’m talking about, the players you normally can’t get through the season without, although they rarely ever helped you win, mostly just sat on your bench. Dull, dull, dull. I dub thee the ‘North Dakota Vanillas.’ Your fans wear foam hands that say, “We’re No. 4”. The Cleveland Browns think your team uniforms are boring.
What are you willing to do!?
Trade some draft picks for (wait for it) next year’s picks. There is always someone who wants, nay, needs to win this year (you aren’t that guy). Perhaps they need it so desperately that they overpay for this year’s picks. Think about it like flossing your teeth - down the road you are going to be psyched that you did.
So what do you want to do?
There is nothing worse in fantasy football than losing dull. If you are going to go down, go down in flames. Let those other owners leave the draft room shaking their heads and wiping ash off of their shirts, but you’ll show them. You’ll show them all. You aren’t the same, boring loser they have come to love; you are now a crazy, unpredictable losing machine!
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