Matty C tells it like it is... Matt Crouchet, Fantasy Football Guest Writer Jun 12, 2007 | More

Lou Piniella, get over yourself!   You are an embarrassment.   You are a ‘mature’ person; act like it!   Ok, I’m being nice, your old.   Act your age!!!   I’ve heard arguments on your behalf; that baseball is entertaining and this is simply part of it.   If I want this type of entertainment, I’d drive over to Shady Acres this Friday night, get on the loud speaker and announce that BINGO has been canceled.   Then grab my $8 beer and watch all hell break loose!!!  

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I’m not too sure, but I could have sworn there was some kind of league championship recently.   If you were one of the three people that watched it, please inform me.   Ya know what, actually DON’T inform me.   Here I am trying to be witty about this and from what I understand, that would be the incorrect strategy to get through to the mythological handful of hockey fans that are out there.   Hey, Hockey , GO AWAY!!!   The only reason the few people are watching you, is because of the fights.   And now that summer is among us, the “People That are White and Pasty” (otherwise known as People from the North East) will be coming out of their hibernation and realize there’s a new league out there called UFC.  

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I love Clinton Portis!   This guy is FUNNY!   But come on, one week, it’s “Get off Vick’s back.   What’s wrong with dog fighting?  They’re his dogs, aren’t they?”   Then I bet Goodell gets hold of him and it’s the standard form letter the NFL sends out in situations such as this.   (in voice of OFFICE SPACE boss) “How ya doin’, Clinton.   I’m gonna have to ask you to read this tomorrow.   Great.   Thanks a bunch, Clinton”:  

NFL FORM LETTER – DAMAGE CONTROL

 “I, _______ (your name), apologize for any words I have said, or actions I have portrayed, that may have offended anyone.   Looking back, I realize that ________ (group or person that you offended) is right and that I was wrong in what I had said and/or done.   I certainly would never want to embarrass my family, the NFL or the ___________ (name of team that you play for) organization.   Go ________ (name of mascot of your team) !!!”

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To all of you out there in the office that doesn’t know squat about football….   DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT FOOTBALL!!!   PLEASE!!!   I know I have my jersey on the Friday before game day.   I know you feel compelled to talk about it in the elevator.   I know that there’s just something about a football jersey that somehow forces people to comment on it.   If you don’t even know whose team I am representing, you need to go straight for that coffee maker, bud, get your Columbian Decaf and make a B-line right back to your cubicle, because we have nothing in common. NOTHING!   And don’t ask me who “we’re” playing this week.   You are not WE!   If you don’t know who WE are playing… YOU are NOT WE!!!   So don’t ask!!!   I’ve got enough friends that I can talk football with; don’t waste my time while I try to explain to you why there are football games on a Thursday night!!!

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And this one goes out to the little old lady that sat in front of me at the Astros game last week.   What the H-E-double hockey sticks are you reading!?!?!?!?!?   You are at a Major League Baseball game, Tootsie , and we’ve got some pretty nice seats.   Mind you, we are watching the Houston Astros, but for crying out loud, GO HOME AND READ YOUR BOOK.   Houston baseball fans are the worst!   I’m there at the 3^rd base line, it’s the 5^th inning in a tie ball game and if I wanted to, I could carry on a conversation with the blonde that’s sitting in section ZZ over in right field.   So I’m up and I’m cheering over balls and strikes and this wanna-be librarian has the nerve to look back and glare at ME!!!!   Hey Lady, you and your Wuthering Heights !!!   Here’s 8 bucks!   Either get yourself a beer, loosen up and watch the ball game with me; or get you a couple gallons of gas and GO HOME!