The "C" Word Jun 26, 2008

Some words should never be uttered.   For example, Rumplestiltskin, Voldemort, and Beetlejuice.   Others should only be discussed in the most delicate manner.    For the fantasy football enthusiast, that provocative “c” word is, of course, "collusion."   All of the late George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words pale in comparison to the “c” word, considered by many to be the most offensive word in the fantasy football lexicon.   Just writing about it makes me want to wash my mouth out with a bar of soap (scrubbing my hands is probably more appropriate, because I’m typing, but that sounds a lot less extreme).   Frequently discussed, yet widely misunderstood and rarely resolved, it's a bigger mystery than Sarah Jessica Parker's sex appeal.  

Fantasy football fans everywhere would like nothing better than to eradicate collusion once and for all.   Before we can wipe it out, however, we must be able to smoke it out.   After all, one man’s collusion looks like another man’s steal (especially the guy who scored that great deal).   So, let's consider a few scenarios:

Scenario #1:   Dimwit Dave trades Smooth Sammy a stud running back and a solid wide receiver for an injured washed up quarterback and starting kicker.

Scenario #2:   Dimwit Dave, currently in last place by Week 5, trades Smooth Sammy a stud running back and a solid wide receiver for an injured washed up quarterback and a kicker.

Scenario #3:   Best friends Dimwit Dave, currently in last place by Week 11, trades Smooth Sammy a solid running back and a solid receiver for an injured washed up quarterback and a kicker.

Can you spot the collusion?   It’s not as easy as it seems.

Consider Scenario #1, which probably happens at least once a season in every fantasy league.   Especially if you’re a contender, it is always infuriating to see another owner get hosed in a big deal that may drastically affect the dynamic of the league.   Nonetheless, is a lopsided, groan-inducing, "what the hell were you thinking?!" trade hard evidence of collusion?   Probably not.   After all, that’s how Dimwit Dave got his name. (You know who he is in your league.   If you don’t, find a mirror and wave, “Hello, Dave!”)  

At first glance, Scenario #2 seems more suspicious.   Consider the timing, though.   Is it realistic that an owner would torpedo his chances five weeks into the season?   Possible, but highly unlikely.   Dimwit Dave (or, his equally unpopular cousin, Apathetic Al) strikes again.    Unfortunately, the "I had nothing to lose" theory does little to console the other teams who watched a good team go “Pro Bowl” overnight while a harmless bad team stayed that way.  

Scenario #3 should be the most eyebrow-raising of the bunch.   Just because best friends, lovers, Siamese twins etc. make a trade doesn’t mean it’s time to sound the alarm.   That said, any commissioners (and, possibly other owners) should closely observe the moves of trading partners who are just a little too close for comfort.   Combine that cozy relationship with the big red flag of a trade by the owner of a team eliminated from any possibility of a playoff berth, and the whole thing starts to stink worse than my daughter’s diaper pail.  Do we have collusion?   Well, it doesn't get much closer than this.

It sure looks like a case of the “c” word.   So, now what?   Those two owners probably won’t confess any time soon.   No sense in catching a serious case of honesty when you’ve just pulled off the trade of the century.  Most of the other owners (and maybe the commissioner too) may strongly favor torturing the truth out of them, but that’s probably illegal (unless it’s in the league rules, of course).   Instead, the league has a messy situation on its hands.

All joking aside, most of us are in leagues where most, if not all, of the other owners are our friends, acquaintances, relatives, co-workers, neighbors, colleagues, in-laws, etc.  So, although burning them at the stake (mmmm . . . steak) may sound good right after the trade is posted, we’ll have to face these folks again in a less than “fantasy” setting, so the situation calls for some civility (even towards the in-laws).   Civility sounds easy enough, right?   We’re all adults here!   On closer inspection, the approaches are less than perfect.   For instance, the league rules could give the commissioner authority to overturn trades.   But, what happens when the commissioner is involved in a questionable trade?   Even if the commissioner is not involved in the dopey deal, he usually has a team, so it’s hard to believe that he can be entirely objective.   The league rules could also allow some or all of the owners to vote to overturn trades, but it’s hard to believe that votes won’t be influenced by the impact that overturning the trade will have on the trading owners’ playoff chances.

Who wants to have to worry about all that?   We would like to think that our faithful friends, reliable relatives, candid colleagues (you get the point) would never be so dastardly as to engage in the “c” word.   Truth be told, as long as there’s money (and maybe even just bragging rights – some people are just shameless) on the line, a world without collusion is like a week without Britney Spears performing stupid human tricks for the paparazzi – it’s not going to happen.   And, because it seems harder to cure than a case of herpes, your league may want to consider these few ounces of prevention:

1.  Ban idiots from your league.   Sure, it seems like inviting the guy who buys his fantasy football magazine the day of the draft and is drunk by the sixth round only improves your changes of winning your league, but Dimwit Dave needs to be shown the door.

2.  Make sure your owners all know each other well.   They will be more likely to shop around if they are all comfortable talking to each other.   Plus, for most people, it takes some serious gall to screw over friends and family.

3.  Draft your league rules to allow ALL trades to go through.   Sounds crazy?   You haven’t seen crazy until the accusations start flying after a questionable trade.   Plus, see above, where even Scenario #3 may not be a slam dunk for collusion.   The consequences for posting a bogus trade?   If, after the end of the season (when everyone can be a bit more objective), it’s still highly suspicious, Dimwit Dave and Smooth Sammy can kiss their invitation to next season’s draft goodbye.

4.  Finally, implement a severe penalty for finishing in last place.   The fear of throwing in extra $50 or $100 squashes the “nothing to lose” excuse and makes helping out a buddy, even when you have no chance of making the playoffs, a lot less attractive.

Have you encountered collusion in your league?   How did your commissioner and the other owners respond?   What are your recommendations for preventing or reducing collusion?