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The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin - Let The Games Begin


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The Fantasy Football Season can be likened to a familiar trip that you have taken before through a dangerous but navigable harbor.  However, this time you are the captain of this vessel and provisions are achieved through the creation of a crew in the form of a draft.  Furthermore, your players could be considered conscripts that are usurped for the right to glom on to for their offensive prowess, with the exception of course being the defense.  And yes, my friends, the defense may just win you a game.  I always seem to pen a paragraph or two on that outcome once during the season.  So we will talk to the conscripts in my draft, the perils of ownership, and the mines in the harbor on the way to your championship.  The waters may be rough out there, but being a participant in this random process does level the playing field and the water in our harbor, just a bit.  So, here goes the draft.

Drafting In A Fair Sky, Are Ya Mate

Much like provisioning a ship in the olden times, the draft comes to Forgotten Bay in during the waning days of summer.  With the un-official end of summer comes a usually brief Canadian High Pressure that presages the football weather yet to come.  But this summer has been unusually cool indicating that it is going to be a formidable winter.    The draft occurred and although great lengths have been taken to secure a formidable squad for this season there are shoals that will waylay the trip through this Fantasy Football Harbor of ilk for all of us.  The point of the draft is that everyone desires the very best offense and Monsieur Holmes of the Chiefs de Kansas City was a huge part of everyone’s fantasy football success last season.  There have been several offensive gems that are tempting early on in the draft.  The point of the draft is that you can always outsmart yourself.  So, for the sake of statistics, I take my draft in the following order … 2 RB, 1 QB, 2 WR, 1 K, 1 DT, 1 TE, 1 QB, and next the most offensive production players as noted by the FantasySharks draft coach.   I know that a WR or QB may out produce a bad RB but the rules are set up so that even the 10th rated RB is better than most WR.  This may cause some to debate the veracity of the last statement when it comes to players like Marvin Harrison but this is a long season and it becomes strange times if you lean on one player and drafting your first RB in the third or fourth round will do that to you.  If you succumbed to such a temptation, be aware that although oneth player may maketh the team thereth be but no I in T-E-A-M.  Thusly come the perils of ownership.

The Perils Of Ownership

It is natural to want to outthink the team’s weekly performance.  However, it has been noticed that the best offense-minded players seem to still put up large numbers whomever the team may be playing that given week.  So this may sound like some chump advice to help you along your trip through this harbor, but it rings true.  The best team will bring your ship safely through to harbor and the end of a successful season.  A highly recommended tool is the FantasyShark lineup selection tool.  It comes as a link in MyFantasyLeague.com and is an excellent start.  The truest peril of ownership however, is that the team you put out to play every week is done by the click of your mouse.  Therefore, you accepted your fate for good or for bad that week with the click.  Is there a perfect fantasy football team?  The perfect team is one that averages 96 points a week and gets that way through 8 players averaging 12 points.  Why? Because I believe that if one guy puts up enough offense to get 30-40 points in a week, the next opponent’s defensive coach puts in place a scheme that tries to make that player ineffective.   Now the great players score week in and week out.  That is what makes them great but at the end of the season, on any given Sunday, you could be one and done due to the mines in the harbor. 

There Be Mines In This Harbor, Sir

That should be the call from the gentleman in the crow’s nest before your season begins.  All previous trips you have taken still have not prepared you for the mines in this harbor.  There are teams that are suffering already because their player was the recipient of an untimely injury or a even a total persona-nongrata.  And this guy went where?  Just ask your friends who like the Miami Dolphins!  Ouch!  Hey, and be on the lookout for a failing drug test or some horrible vehicle accident.  That happens in every professional sport.  They can run a 4.3 – 40 but can’t keep the (insert fast car or huge tricked out SUV here) on the road.  May your first week be filled with lamentations like “My bench scored just as much as the starters!”  And not…”My starting QB received a QB rating of 20”.  Lets Check in on the Captain.

Captain’s Log – 9-8-2004 – 11:00 PM

I left Le Chien Du Salty with Artemis and we made way to our vessel.  The Demolition is her name and got it because it washed on shore in the Great Hurricane of ’92 and took out a block of homes and slipped into the other side of the Harbor gently like a baby’s bottom.  “Well that’s what the salesman told you, right Captain” sounded off Artemis.  And he’s got a point but that mattered none for on our way to the gangway we noted the Boatswains.  Their beady greedy li’l eyes protruding out from behind glasses.  Their eyes got that way from crunching the numbers in their bank account I tells ‘ya.  But every harbor needs boatswain though they are certainly unwelcomed lot.  We boarded the ship with our crew and Artemis gathered the men.  “Lis’n ye mates, the Cap’n will be now addressin’ all of  ya’…so here’s the Captain of the Demolition…err…Captain!”  And it was that moment I realized that I may only be knownst to everyone as Captain and not my given name…even Artemis.  And for some reason that felt good.  I gave a motivational speech like every Captain does in front of their crew.  It went something like this. 

“Gentlemen, in front of us will be several weeks of obstacles.  I have chosen you because together we are a formidable bunch.  Some of you are returning to the Demolition and to you, I state ‘Welcome’.  For the rest of ya’ we will swab the deck and mind the business of being the best in the gameday situation that is given to us.  Some of you will be chosen to work down below the deck.  But do not fear, at any time you will be called up to give your mate a brief respite or if you prove your worthiness below.  And some of ya’ well you may be let go at any time if you become ill-fit for this vessel.  And I’ll be keepin’ an eye on you and your performance every week.  How we address the obstacles will be how our season ends.  And last year we ended up battling for ‘SQUAT’ and getting directions from not the grand Frigate but a Dingy Dingy (Din-gee Ding-ee).  Make me proud”.

And with that we departed Forgotten Bay and witnessed a wonderful sunset, which precluded the outer rim of our first obstacle.  Let the games begin.

Master D.

Tim can now be reached at tdavoll@fantasysharks.com and welcomes your opinions on The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin Articles.