I know I should not be judging people.   But if you eat near me in a restaurant, complain about everything, and weigh more than 300 lbs. you just may get mentioned in this article.   So please be a responsible adult or else you may end up appearing in my article.   Has this ever happened to you?

This evening, my lovely wife and I took in a very nice restaurant on a lake in the middle of Ct.   We were having a great time and it was a lovely evening until the couple from hell came in.   I am a good Catholic boy so it pains me to swear.

They ordered Kettel One martinis and sent the glasses back because they were dirty.   They ordered Prime Rib and asked it to be delivered in 15 minutes as rare as it could be (“rarer than rare” was their precise request).   When it was delivered in 15 minutes they sent it back because it was too early. When the server delivered their meals later, upon their requested time, he sent it back again, because apparently, the cow wasn’t bloody and red enough. Why was I paying attention to these people you say?

Well, they spoke so loudly, it was hard not to.   They spoke non-stop, throughout our entire meal and they were still complaining when we left, about how the restaurant would not make it in Manhattan saying things like …”this is what we get for giving a local place a try” and “this is what happens in a small town.”   It was awful.   Our meal was exactly what we ordered, it was properly done, and the wait staff was great - the complete opposite of their experience…which should question whose reality and expectations are valid. If you want a Manhattanesque meal, go to Manhattan. It’s still there as far as I know.

But to these people, nothing was going right for them. The highlight for us was that their Prime Rib meal was the largest slab of cow on a plate I have ever seen and in-between forkfuls of raw chunks dropped into their gullet, they made chortling and wheezing sounds that sounded like they were about to die. And in the spirit of Dickens “they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.”

The moral of the story is that if you become one of these people or you are one of these people, you are a real pain in the ass to all the other people in this world trying to have a nice quiet meal with their loved one. Needless to say, despite their complaints, the couple somehow continued to consume their beef as we left. It couldn’t have been that bad then, right?

So dear fat couple next to us, I have a message for you.   No one wants to hear your rant about Manhattan, Block Island, the Hamptons, or Nantucket.   Shut your face and leave or just shut your cakehole. It is the holiday season and we need everyone to get along, not get above it all.

Peace.

 Master D.

Tim can now be reached at tdavoll@fantasysharks.com and welcomes your opinions on the Diary of a Fantasy Virgin Articles.