The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin - Week 11 Timothy Davoll, Fantasy Football Staff Writer Nov 21, 2003 | More

All things being equal, it has come to this moment.  The moment where hope intersects with reality.  The moment where reality intersects with dreams.  The final prescient look into the futile wanderlust surrounding this journey.  Only to have the rug pulled out from underneath your hairy behind.  Dealing with a losing Fantasy Football season is what all this article is about really.  And a new crew-member has come aboard for a few weeks to get our spirits up, and the evil ones out.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

My starting QB was pulled.  My RB pulled a muscle.  Then there was the bye week. And then during the bye week, my only running back was injured and unable to play.  Every “major” player was a disappointment.  The major players rule this venue and certain “no-shows” have really put a wrinkle in my season.  These are nothing but convenient excuses for the reality of the situation.  The gentlemen you conscripted at the beginning of the year never put it together and the fantastical part about this football league is that all you know is the zip code to loserville U.S.A.   All of the attempts to resuscitate a competitive cabal of football statistical mongers were futile at best and trivial at the least.  In my league, the team that is winning has ridden all of the hot players to make it to this point.  My players are all good but not at the same time and then when it all seems to be looking good, it comes down to the Patriots defense vs. my kicker.  The Pats get a shutout and 3 interceptions and I get a kicker that only kicks two P.A.T.s…no pun intended.  This is what I love about fantasy football.  The owner of the team that is number one has just about the same clue as the owner of the last place team.  It just is so hard to put a finger on what causes the stars to align and the stars to separate.  It may just be a P.A.T. or a fumble followed by injury, followed by a bye week, followed by an interception.  Fantasy football is random and not random the same time.  All of these are nothing but excuses.  Lets see how the shore leave went for the captain. 

Captain’s Log – 11-17-2003 – 11:00 PM

I got back from the festival only to find our ship battered and the souls on board all lost in a depressive funk.  It was like someone had taken the fabric of their soul and used it as a dishrag.  Since this is a nice family site, I cannot mention what Artemis thought the fabric of their soul was used for.  But I had a surprise for the crew for I stumbled across a voodoo lady named Mawu.  She wanted to visit the Agwe, which is Vodun (her way of saying Voodoo) for spirit of the sea.  I told her we would give her passage to an island if she said a few words to help out the crew.  She came out and stated the following. “Captain, I call upon Agwe to be the Ayza (protector) of this vessel.  May the Aida Wedo (rainbow spirit) shine upon this vessel and deliver it from the tyranny of the first 11 weeks of this journey.”  With that, she was granted to stay a week or two because we were passing an island where a few of her relatives lived and she needed to bum a ride.  So I thanked her and stated that we had plenty of room and she could bunk near the boatswain.  This vessel has seen a lot of conscripts come and go.  A Voodoo woman should make no difference.

Master D.