The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin - Week 16 Timothy Davoll, Fantasy Football Staff Writer Dec 26, 2003 | More

Happy Holidays! The bucket bowl is awarded to the best team in the third quartile of three quartiles of teams in Fantasy Football.  It is just a nice way to say we are at the bottom of the heap battling for a bucket.  Still battling for any championship is a learning experience and this week, the virgin faced a little known enemy.  That would be myself of course and the fate of the teams my starters played for.  And, of course we have the end of the line for the HMS Demolition.

And Because Tampa Lost, Then What?

The hands of fate were dealt on the gridiron this last Saturday.  If Tampa Bay won, then Carolina would have to win.  If Carolina has to win, they will start their star running back Stephen Davis.  But here is where it gets fatalistic.  Since Tampa Bay lost, Carolina clinches and rests Stephen Davis.  That means 0 points from one of the top fantasy football RBs this year!  Ouch!  There is no surviving that.  This means that in the irony of all cruel ironies, you have to have a hungry team that is fighting for a playoff spot.

Where’s The Hunger?

So there is no hunger at the top of the food chain?  What do you think about it at the bottom?  My other running back is Travis Henry and the Bills stopped running after turning the ball over 4 times.  So the Bills had a tough week as well and this combined with no Stephen Davis meant a mere 6 points from both my RBs.  So, now this means to win a fantasy football championship, you have to pick players on teams that are still in it the last few weeks of the season, are not out of it, but have not clinched a playoff berth, and still have to play all out and don’t abandon the running game because that is what got you there!  Take comfort in this my friends, the team that won your playoffs got there by a circuitous route and it ended in glory by happenstance.  Still the comfort would be better if we circumnavigated that sphere of randomness but we thusly were wrent asunder.  How did the Captain fair?

Captain’s Log – 12-22-2003 – 11:00 PM

The bucket was ours for the taking.  I could see the dingy dingy (din-gee ding-eee) holding it up in the distance past our final obstacle.   For some reason, it didn’t look all that bad and through me telescopic lens, it seemed somewhat respectable.  Then we got hit from the side and Artemis stated that our crew had broken rank.  He stated that ½ thought the season was over so they were resting in the Lesser Antilles and the other ½ knew the season was over so they abandoned ship.  Spare conscripts were not to be had and our ship met a true sea change in an ongoing attempt for final victory in this tempest.  With the bucket lost, I looked over the crew and addressed them the final time.  It went something like this. “Mates, it was a great year and it was nice knowin’ ya.  We were victorious 4 of the last 5 weeks and our group gave it the best.  And we met a nice Voodoo woman too.  I think I will have a good new year for we ship into harbor and restock and retool for next season.  As long as the August fair breezes lead to bitter cold and holiday faire, there will be the need for a Captain, boatswain, a trusty ships mate like Artemis and fine people such as yourself to fill our journey through the next series of obstacles.  Fair thee well my good souls and hug your loved ones for lettin’ you get into this silly mess.  God bless ye and to all a good evenin’.  The Captain bids you fair well and Balooo!”  The crew screamed “BALOOO”.  And with that the Captain led the crew down the gangplank.  It seemed only a short time ago they boarded this vessel with hopes and dreams of victories resplendent with fine charms and earnings and much rights d’ bragging.  As they say in Boston, there is always next year.