The Sin City BetBot 6000 Presents Nov 5, 2009 | More

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing ... BZZT … is a dame’s job.”

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Dear Betbot,

I saw those Dos Equis commercials with The World’s Most Interesting Man; you sure do seem to talk a lot like him. Right down to your ‘sign offs’ he says “Stay thirsty, my friends” – you say “showgirls and gin, my friends” … What is up? Who is cheating who?

Sid L.

Santa Barbara , Calif.

Sid,

I decided to stop running this feature a couple years ago because, well, I was getting asked a lot of very silly questions. I brought it back for this question because this is something I have been getting asked a lot by some of you who just began following me. I need to keep this short and bleeping sweet because there is pending legal action. Let me first say that I enjoy the commercials and the absurdity of them. Let me also say that I am furious that I am being mocked in such a way. It is bleeping obvious that they were ‘ripping off’ my persona. I have contacted my lawyer and good friend, Mickey Solomon, to sue the people behind these commercials. I want my cut of this sweet, sweet pie … and I want it bleeping now.

SCBB6K

NFC NOTES – Daniel Snyder says he is embarrassed for his team. He should be. Too bad he isn’t only feeling embarrassed. In the past he has been embarrassed and then taken actions because of his embarrassment, and those actions have been disastrous like when he got caught sleeping at mass and then decided to pay off a judge to have the church demolished so he could build a strip mall. The man is cold.

The Eagles played well last week, but the Giants gave them the game. Beat the Cowboys, and then we will talk about the Eagles winning a game in the playoffs. We’ll also discuss Roy Williams acting like Terrell Owens and then saying he wasn’t acting like T.O. Too late, Roy - we were kind of listening the first time you opened your fat mouth. Everyone but you is getting the balls thrown right to them? You are a bleeping idiot, just collect your paycheck and play out the string like you always do.

It’s always about Brett Favre, isn’t it? It’s been stated before, but bears repeating – if Favre had to deal with the offensive line Aaron Rodgers did, he’d be crumpled into a little ball by now. On the other hand, there is no denying he’s better than T-Jack (Tarvaris Jackson), which is the mother of all backhanded compliments.

Reggie Bush is positively Westbrookian now. He won’t run between the tackles like Brian Westbrook, but he should be open in space more often than not with the plethora of weapons the Saints have. That he only gets six touches per game is criminal, but how can you argue with the results?

The Falcons worry me; I am not sure they will slip into the playoffs now. I expect them to lose to the Saints away, but that loss to the Cowboys shows me the Falcons are nothing more than a one-and-done Wild Card team.  And by “one and done” I am not specifically talking about Matt Ryan’s impotence problem, a completely under reported story in my opinion.

The Jerome Boger Rush to Judgement Section of the Article – This is the part of the column where I turn off my rational heuristics and make a wild judgment based on limited, potentially biased data … kind of like my favorite NFL referee, Jerome Boger, aka Southern Sassy.

Speaking of the ‘Skins, my Sin City Book Club 6000 is reading The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. I despise Brown, wait – I don’t despise Brown; but there is too much hype over his books. I wouldn’t have chosen this book, but I read it because the others (mostly showgirls from the Tropicana) chose it. There’s a lot of unbelievable stuff in there, but the hardest thing to swallow is that Brown has the Redskins in a playoff game during the first events in the book. I will buy ancient Masonic plots, but the ‘Skins in a playoff game? Come on …

On a non-football note – the New York Yankees won the World Series – they won it within the horrid rules of baseball’s lack of a salary cap. Frankly, the fact that the Yankees haven’t won every title since 2002 is the real mystery, right behind MLB’s insistence on not capping salaries (and making clubs like the Pittsburgh Pirates keep a certain level of salary also) … it may be the martinis talking, or the ravings of a bot who lost some cash during the Yankees-Los Angeles Angels series. Whatever, get a cap baseball (and get rid of the teams that can’t afford to pay a salary floor!)

Rob Ryan = Chubby General Custer

Chubby General Custer > Flaccid Tiny Tim

Flaccid Tiny Tim = John Clayton

ergo

Rob Ryan > John Clayton

You look alert, Chad. That's good for when you meet Ray Lewis out back. Also...

The Dolphins are playing New England this weekend, which can only mean one thing: Joey Porter is popping off again! Joey said that Tom Brady is playing by his own set of rules because he can get the refs to call roughing the passer penalties just by whining about it, which is kind of true now that Joey brings it up. Oh, and about him being named the second-dirtiest player in the NFL in a survey of current players? “I would hate me too if I was on the other side,” Porter said. And by “the other side,” I presume he means the “my medication.”

Speaking of the dirtiest players in the league, No. 1 in that survey was GrittyGutty Hines Ward. That must be his name because that’s what Jim Nantz and Phil Simms call him - I figure that’s just what’s in the media guide. Legal or not, when you break some guy’s jaw on a block where you know he can’t see you coming, you’re bleeping dirty.  Rodney Harrison said he feels that the Tennessee Titans are the dirtiest team in the league, and as I tweeted, that guy should know.

Jacksonville is getting blacked out again this weekend. Can we just move these guys already?

...do not leave your vital organs unprotected!

The National Organization for Women (NOW) wants Tom Cable suspended from coaching duties because of recent claims from the women in his life that he’s been smacking them around. Color me surprised that Cable can get women near him - he looks like Captain Lou Albano but without those sexy rubber bands. And what’s with this guy and random acts of violence - did Dunkin Donuts screw up his breakfast or something? “Mr. Cable, I’m afraid we’re out of the chocolate glazed donuts you asked for.”  “NO CHOCOLATE GLAZED?!  AAAARRRGGHHH!”

BetBot Picks of the Week That Nobody Else Likes

So I get e-mail all the time telling me how terrible my picks are. Last week I went 1-2 to put me at 12-9 on the year.

DENVER (+3) over Pittsburgh - Let’s see how tubby Ben Roethlisberger enjoys running for his life at altitude.

Arizona (+3) over CHICAGO - Nobody is talking about Arizona’s defense but it’s pretty bleeping good … enough to make Jay Cutler roll his eyes and stomp his feet.

SAN FRANCISCO (+4) over Tennessee - Alex Smith vs. Vince Young in the battle of quarterbacks who were drafted to lead but are being used as a last resort.

So long for now, and remember: “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT … gin.”