The Sin City BetBot 6000 Presents Nov 20, 2009 | More

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (Who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT … is a dame’s job.”

  Bud Adams is a good friend of mine. And while I agree with him that drunk Bills fans can go ‘F’ themselves, the general public wants him to get his randy emotions under control and not be so out-in-the-open with his displeasure. I think this is a load of crap - Adams is a good man, a good bleeping man. And you just can’t put a price on an old Texas oil man telling it like it is - really, Bud is both rich and old, combining two traits that lend to his not giving “a hoot” what people think. This reminds me of the time my old agent Abe Schein let his true feelings be known to Tony ‘My Left Foot’ Parnazzi after a disagreement regarding gate receipts after one of my All Star Revues at Tony’s night club. Abe gave him the one-finger salute, called him … BZZT… a rather nasty name, and promptly lost all of the money that was owed to us and his left middle finger. Tony let Abe keep his right middle finger because, “he needs all his fingers on that hand to better count my money.” Now that’s a situation that called for a bit more discretion on Abe’s part. Consider that all Adams had to do was apologize for his behavior and pony up a tidy $250,000 fine, and that’s only because he was caught on a phone camera (like he even thought that would be possible) and of course everyone blew it out of proportion. First, to the media, can’t we just appreciate an old whale taking advantage of his chance to get the blood flowing one more time? You know, he doesn’t have a lot of these moments left. And second, to Bud - tell these humps to stick it. I hope you went home all fired up last Sunday night and enjoyed a nice session with a 25-year-old stewardess - I know that’s what I did.

NFC NOTES – I said it before about the NFC West and now say the same about the NFC East: does anyone want to win this thing or what? Somebody will eventually win the division, but they should be an easy out for whoever they play in the second round of the playoffs. I would say the first round, however … (see the next item)

The NFC is such a mound of crap, pencil in the Vikings and Saints in for a very entertaining NFC Championship game, but the rest of the season and playoffs will be a complete bore.

Steven Jackson is showing me something this season. After being a crybaby last year, he is stepping up and giving his all for a bad team.

Mike Shanahan or Bill Cowher in Chicago next year? Shanahan makes the most sense given the fact that Jay ‘Two Faces of Eve’ Cutler is slinging the ball (to everyone, especially the opposing team!) in Chicago. Lovie Smith has completely lost the team, and the rest of the season will be very painful.

Julius Peppers broke his hand and so he’ll be playing for a while with a cast, which I love to see because it’s like he’s playing with a club on his hand. I fail to see how this is a disadvantage - he’s basically replacing a human hand with a blunt object. Just once I’d like to see a guy with a broken hand put a hook there instead of a club, just to see if he could get away with it.  Sounds like something the XFL would have done.

The Jerome Boger Rush to Judgement Section of the Article – t his is the part of the column where I turn off my rational heuristics and make a wild judgment based on limited, potentially biased data … kind of like my favorite NFL referee, Jerome Boger, aka Southern Sassy.

The ‘BB’ on the Patriots head coach’s sweatshirt doesn’t stand for Bill Belichick, it stands for Bet Bot … no Bill, I will not help. Ever since you stiffed me on the bill at Delmonico’s the night before you resigned as Jets head coach … well, let’s just say I find you a reprehensible nudnik. Look, the BB Signal won’t work on me; apologize, and I may give you some advice (one piece of free advice, get Tom Brady to change that damned logo – it looks like genitalia). I’ll get back to you in a second.

Jon Gruden doesn’t seem to criticize anyone on Monday Night Football, but I like his schtick . H e and Ron Jaworski are good foils for each other. I hope he stays one more year in the booth (when compared with some of the other choices out there, Gruden is by far the best of a poor lot).

AFC NOTES – I don’t know what’s going to happen to the Titans for the rest of the season, although at 3-6 and in a tough AFC I know that the playoffs won’t be happening.  But you have to like the way the offense has looked with Vince Young under center and Chris Johnson carrying the load. It only took Jeff Fisher a season and a half to figure out what I’ve been saying since C.J. was drafted. Sit that fat turd LenDale White and let your best players play. He made the same mistake this year, needing a push from Bud Adams to insert V.Y. back in the lineup. Fisher is just not a good coach. He blew this season, but hopefully whoever is coaching the team next year won’t be such a numbnuts.

Wow, Eric Mangini is under a lot of people’s skin nowadays. I mean, it’s plain to see how overmatched he is as a head coach but for crying out loud, it’s not like he inherited a juggernaut. The Browns have almost no elite players at the skill positions, so when Joshua Cribbs gets dinged up on a somewhat meaningless play at the end of the last game, Mangini gets heat. You know what? The game wasn’t over, how about Cleveland stops acting like a bunch of coddled pro athletes and start playing with some pride? Yeah, I’m looking at you, Jamal Lewis. You and your 3.6 yards per carry (same as last year!) are part of the problem - you should be genuflecting in front of Mangini for leaving your rotting carcass on the roster and allowing you to pick up a paycheck. But nooooo, you feel the need turn on the siren in the whaaaambulance. I’d go on but you’d probably have one of your drug buddies try to clip me in front of a 7-11 and take out a few innocent bystanders in the process, and I don’t want that on my conscience.

The Colts are 9-0 again, and anytime some team goes undefeated late in the season you know who’s going to start popping off. Yeah, the 1972 Miami Dolphins should be making an appearance any day now. To borrow an analogy from Ed Reid’s magnificent book Green Felt Jungle, Mercury Morris appears around an undefeated NFL team the same way maggots appear on a corpse. Let me just say this now so I can get it off my chest - I was there in ‘72 and it was a completely different game.  Bragging about being undefeated 30 years ago is like bragging that you could drive a car without using a seat belt in 1972. Yeah that’s great, and we had some brilliant acid then, too!  Mike Webster got brain damage and a miserable retirement while these clowns get to live on and annoy the hell out of people and robots around the country. That’s not fair.

A lot of people have been asking me what I thought about the Patriots going for it on 4^th-and-2 from their own zone. You know, Bill Belichick is a creep and an arrogant prick, but there’s a lot of evidence to suggest that he made the right call there. Only two yards, with Tom Brady under center, to ice the game? Hard to criticize. Of course, only a head coach with Belichick’s resume could possibly have the stones to make that call - and given the unbridled passion and ignorance with which the pasty sports establishment came after him, can you blame NFL head coaches for playing it safe on these things? Everyone loves to see a bully get his comeuppance, and in that respect I’m enjoying this quite a bit. But from a pure football perspective, I kind of like the move. Turns out that Brady’s logo isn’t the only thing in the New England locker room with some balls.

BetBot Picks of the Week That Nobody Else Likes

So I get e-mail all the time telling me how terrible my picks are. Last week I went 1-2 to put me at 13-11 on the year. This week I’m going all home dogs.

DENVER (+3) over San Diego - I love taking the Broncos at home in a division game. The fact that I get points this time makes it even sweeter.

KANSAS CITY (+10) over Pittsburgh - Steelers fans say I have it in for their team.  Not really, the D is just wildly overrated and I find going against them to be quite profitable (3-6 ATS)

TAMPA BAY (+11.5) over New Orleans - Josh Freeman is showing a little bit of moxie. I kind of feel like he’ll play spoiler once or twice down the stretch. I mean, in terms of beating this spread - the Saints should win but I see some backdoor magic from the rookie Bucs quarterback.

So long for now, and remember “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT … gin.”