The Sin City BetBot 6000 Presents Sep 12, 2009 | More

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL.

I'm going to jump into my 2009 predictions pretty quickly, but I just wanted to say that I apologize for all the publicity surrounding this summer's peephole video. As you can see from the snapshot below, I was quite embarrassed by the whole affair and dropped out of the news for several months. Let me also say that nobody is allowed to violate my privacy in such a heinous and unprovoked manner, and I vow to stop at nothing to catch the perpetrators responsible. That is, once I grab a martini or two and hit you fellas up with the most reliable football information available.

Really not happy with the video quality

AFC West

What the bleep can you say about this division? It’s a pile of turds feeding a beautiful rose. I guess that’s what you can say about it. You could also make some sort of comparison of an otherworldly vampire feeding on a bunch of drunken bums; if you’re one of those Twilight freaks. I myself enjoy True Blood, but I’m a sucker for nudity on pay cable shows. You know who the turds and drunken bums are, correct?

Chargers - 13-3 - This team got better by getting a year older. Now that is not a great thing for NFL All-Time great LaDanian Tomlinson , who will need to have his carries managed, but another year of maturity is a great thing for Phillip Rivers. The Chargers defense should have a Top 5 year and will mop up on the rest of the schmucks in this conference.

Raiders - 5-11 - I had higher hopes for the Raiders this season. Jamarcus Russell seemed to settle into his starting role late last year, and the Darren McFadden/Michael Bush/Justin Fargas combo of running backs may be the best trio in the league. Unfortunately, something stinks in Oakland, and like most things that are odiferous, that smell emanates from the head. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of Al Davis, but enough is enough; someone needs to take the keys from him. Some may laugh at the slap fight between Tom Cable and his underling, but it is another sign of the lack of discipline in that organization. And that lack of discipline finds its way onto the field. The Raiders creep up to five wins because of their division and their running backs.

Chiefs - 5-11 - The Chiefs may have their franchise quarterback in Matt Cassel. We don’t know yet … the problem, of course, is that the Chiefs signed Cassel to a long-term deal and dropped a bunch of money on his doorstep. The Chiefs defense was atrocious last year; they could only manage 10 sacks. This year they move to a 3-4 with Clancy Pendergas t calling the defensive plays. This is going to be a boring team to watch, but if Cassel and Dwayne Bowe can find a connection, there may be some light at the end of the tunnel.

Broncos – 4-12 - Have you heard about this team’s rough offseason? Want some eye candy? Here’s a pic of Megan Fox with me on the red carpet. Eat your heart out!

That tattoo is brand new

AFC East

This is going to be a fun division! Two teams stand out, but the Jets and Bills have … BZZT… improved this year and won’t be pushovers.

Patriots - 13-3 - As long as Tom Brady’s shoulder really is fine (and who the bleep knows, Bill Belichick is more secretive than a mob accountant), the Pats should run away with this division. The Patriots defense always seems to be in the right place at the right time, a stalwart group of professionals. Last year the Patriots’ O-Line gave up a bunch of sacks, but that was Matt Cassel’s fault. The offensive line of the Patriots and Brady drive this team, and they should walk away with it this year. The Patriots sneak up to 13-3, given the recent firing of the Bills’ offensive coordinator Turk Schonert.

Dolphins - 8-8 - The Dolphins stand out, but only because I see them taking a tumble in record this year. I also believe the Jets will be a better team this year. I simply don’t trust Chad Pennington to stay healthy two years in a row. I also believe the AFC East is a better division in whole than it was last year. It is time for the Dolphins to figure out who the QB of the future is, and the ‘Fins will find out sooner rather than later - the Chad Henne era may begin as soon as October.  Miami will be a better team for it in 2010.

Jets - 7-9 - As you know, I am a close personal friend of Joe Paterno’s. I matriculated at Penn State on a lark in the 1970’s and got to know this great coach. I was on the sideline for this year’s Rose Bowl. What a massacre. Mark Sanchez dismantled Penn State’s defense, but he was never pressured. I need to see Sanchez succeed week in and week out against NFL defenses. Sanchez has looked pretty good in preseason, but that means nothing to me. The Jets defense will be leaps and bounds better with Rex Ryan and Bart Scott leading the charge. This will be a competitive team and may sneak into the playoffs if Sanchez is as good as he thinks he is. Worth noting - he's still only the second-best looking QB in this division.

Bills - 6-10 - This is what I had written a couple … BZZT … days ago. Then the Bills fired their OC. All this goes out the bleeping window. The Bills and Bucs may be a bigger bleeping mess than the Raiders. Sorry Bills fans, it is going to be a long year.

Terrell Owens will win this team one game by himself. But that’s about it. I am not a big Trent Edwards fan, but I like the idea of going no huddle. That guy’s from Stanford, he should be able to handle it. The Bills may put up some points early in the season with Terrell, Lee Evans, Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson (yes Jackson) on the field. I think the Bills won’t miss a step with Lynch’s suspension; Jackson is a capable NFL RB. As the season wears on,, other teams will catch up with the no-huddle scheme. I think it will be a long second half for the Bills, as Terrell gets older and Edwards’ physical limitations slow their offense.

AFC North

Another division of absolute non-parity, as the state of Ohio fails to represent once again. At least they can still claim Terrelle Pryor - I know he won't say anything stupid this year.

Steelers - 11-5 - Look, it's tough not to like Pittsburgh. Sure, their offensive line still rots like a week-old carcass but Ben Roethlisberger is just the kind of QB who can mitigate that disaster by keeping the play alive long enough for a receiver to break free. I guarantee the Steelers coaching staff is a lot happier with Roethlisberger's activities last year than, say, hotel employees who get lured into his hotel room under the ruse that his TV "needs fixed" (see, he's from western Pa. and that's how they say things to sound dumb). Either way, the defense is still strong, most of the starters return and the schedule can't be any more difficult than last year.

Ravens - 9-7 - I am predicting a bit of a step back for Baltimore here, but I will say this much - I like the Ravens a lot better than I like Joe Flacco's weak sauce buzzcut. Eddie Haskell called and he wants his haircut back, you dork. Flacco had a decent rookie season but was as shocked as the rest of the franchise when Derrick Mason pulled his retirement practical joke. Hey guys, I think I'm going to hang up the cleats - NO WAIT I KEEEEEEED! The defense should still be a decent unit, led by that freak of nature Haloti Ngata, who Brian Baldinger recently said would be a great player even at linebacker. I like Ngata but a 350-pound LB? Hey Baldy, stop poking your brain with that grotesque crooked finger.

Bengals - 7-9 - Another losing season for this ridiculous franchise, who selected Andre Smith with their first-round draft pick even though Marvin Lewis has no idea how to control his players and Smith's entire resume screamed "lazy fat ass who's going to disappoint you.” So these geniuses picked him anyway, allowed him to hold out and balloon well past 350 pounds and then thought how cool they were by stipulating in his contract that he loses half his salary if he can't keep his weight below 350. Like he gives a damn, you bozos - you already handed him $21 million guaranteed! Smith was so out of shape when he arrived in camp that his own teammates were making fun of him ... and then on the second day of practice he broke his foot. This place has a special brand of ineptitude. Like naming Dhani Jones a team captain last year - guys, you don't name stiffs like Jones your captain. I need a bleeping drink.

Browns - 5-11 - Is there anyone here who really thinks Eric Mangini is a good coach? Or that Brady Quinn is going to be a good NFL QB? I am going to be blunt - there is literally nothing to see here until these jokers get some decent play from their QB. Only two years ago it was 2007; remember that one time your QB didn't reek? I am going to miss that ring ding Romeo Crennel; he was always good for a laugh or two on the sidelines. His Coors Light commercial is real jolly.

AFC South

This division is the best in the AFC - top to bottom there's a little to like from everyone. Like these salty babes I met while recording a couple sets at Caesars back in '71.

Pouty there on the bottom left was a real killjoy

Colts - 11-5 - Meet the new boss … same as the old boss. That's because Peyton Manning is the real boss of this team, not whatever clipboard holder is supposedly running the show from the sidelines. You could replace the actual Jim Caldwell with a stand-up Tony Dungy and Indy would cruise to 11 wins this season. I appreciate how the Colts keep drafting running backs in the first round despite their problems being almost entirely centered on the defensive side of the ball.

Jaguars - 9-7 - These guys are taking no chances this year. The offensive line for Jacksonville was so bad last season that they spent their first two draft picks on tackles and also signed Tra Thomas to a fat free agent contract. That's a nice little belt-n-suspenders approach to their biggest problem, although surrounding your franchise QB with two rookie tackles is certainly not the approach I expected. Long-time readers know that I'm a big fan of David "Goldenlegs" Garrard and would hate to see him crippled too early this season. He's got some 'splainin to do after last year's poor effort - O-line be damned, I want to see some running TDs out there in '09. Worth noting - there are too many players in their secondary trying to look like Al Harris, and it's never a good thing when the team embraces the "all players in the secondary must look like the Predator" theme.

Texans - 8-8 - I fail to see any changes for Houston this season. They have the same key players, the same coaching staff and the same problems being in a tough division as they do every year. Matt Schaub is nice, but he can't stay upright long enough. Mario Williams is nice, but he can't play the run and neither can anybody else on defense. If there's one thing I value, it's consistency - only if that just means you are consistently mediocre. If I were running the Texans, I'd rename them the Houston Mediocrity - of course, since they're from Texas, they'd be the BIGGEST MEDIOCRITY, SON! And I would spit a lot, definitely.

Titans - 8-8 - Nobody, and I mean nobody, appreciates Kerry Collins more than I do. From the alcohol n' cigar plagued early years through the New York resurgence, even the dark days in Oakland, I have been behind this guy from the start. Big arm, and can bleeping drink you under the table. But at this point in his career he can't do it by himself, and there's not enough here on offense to overcome that, especially since Jeff Fisher can't stop using that pig LenDale White. The defense will be great, but not as good as 2008. Keep an eye out for Goldenlegs II, Vince Young, lurking for when Collins goes down in a lump. I know he's a bit lazy and potentially nuts, but as a QB who can run he'll be one of those guys that leads a surprise team to a fantasy championship run.

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