Top 10 Coolest Football Names Scott Pachman, Fantasy Football Guest Writer Jun 12, 2008 | More

Top 10 Coolest Football Names

1.  Atari Bigby

For children of the 80’s, this name brings back a lot of good memories, but raises some questions too:   Are we far off from seeing a Playstation Bigby?  And, is it me, or does Xboxthreesixty Bigby just not work as well?

2.  Guy Whimper

Good for Guy.   He probably spent his early years being teased for his sissy name.   So what does he do about it?   He becomes a 300+ pound Tackle for the New York Giants.   No one laughs anymore but Guy.

3.  Booger McFarland

Is he the lovechild of Duddley “Booger” Dawson from Revenge of The Nerds and Todd McFarline, the creator of Spawn?   It’s too awesome to imagine, but I can dream anyway…

4.  Cadillac Williams

It wasn’t long ago when Cadillac was considered a priceless treasure of the Tampa Bay Bucaneers.   Too bad these days, this Cadillac is run down, out of gas, and needs a serious upgrade.

5.  Ryan Plackemeier

This one may seem forced, but... did you know what happens when you remove the “me” from this dude’s last name and replace it with “ck?” Check it out.   It’s an anagram for “Placekicker.”   Want to guess what this guy does for a living?   That’s right, he is a Punter.   Sorry Reggie Corner, Corner Back of the Buffalo Bills, Ryan has you beat!

6.  Scorpio Babers

You don’t get more badass than Scorpio.  It makes me think of Hank Scorpio, the evildoer with the “doomsday device” who blows up the 59^th Street Bridge in Season 8 of the Simpsons.   If you have no idea what I am talking about, I feel sorry for you.  

7.  Osi Umenyiora

The first time I heard his name, I swear I thought the announcer called him “Human Urine.”    For that reason alone, he is included.

8.  TJ Houshmandzadeh

Did you know Houshmandzadeh is a compound name meaning the "son of wisdom?”   I read that on Wikipedia, so it’s gotta to be true.   “You mean Houshmandzadeh  from the Bengals?”   “Put him on the board.’   ‘Houshamazooee.’  ‘ Lock him up.   Chaaaaaampionship.”

9.  (Tie) Madison Hedgecock and Danny Woodhead

The only way to trump this is if a Penischlong joins the NFL.

10.  Pacman Jones

Like his yellow counterpart, this Pacman has an appetite too, but Mr. Jones’s cravings include fist fights and shootings at Las Vegas strip clubs.   Keep it up, Pacman and it will be “Game Over” for you.   Wakka. Wakka.

Honorable Mentions:  Mathias Kiwanuka, Rocky McIntosh, Chad Mustard, Michael Meyers, and Justin Smiley