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Game Day
Let me begin by telling you I am not in a good mood. I am
having a bad nanosecond. Well, I am glad that is over with, so now we can move
on to the more important things in life like praising The Bus. For those of you
who don’t remember, I made a bet with last week’s guest and I lost because the
49ers forgot how to play football. So, now, I am a Steeler fan for a week. Go
Steelers! Beat whoever you are playing this week. Unfortunately, I have to post
a picture of myself in some Steelers Gear, but I will wait to disgust the
dozens and dozens of Lundaholics out there, because seriously, no one wants to
see something like that.
I want to start by taking the time to congratulate Norv
Turner for doing with the Chargers in three games what Marty Schottenheimer
took all season to do the entire season. Losing two games must have been
difficult for Marty with a team of that sort of talent, but not for Norv
Turner. He found a way to screw it up, and that is no small task. Norv, you are
the man. I am impressed with the way you have mishandled the offense and single
handedly upset Tomlinson owners all over fantasy land. It will never be said
that I didn’t give props to the man that urinated all over the dreams of all San Diego fans. If you think it is going to
get better, Charger fan, think again. I suggest you join a Norv Anonymous
meeting with some Redskin and Raider fans. Norv has a cult following. For they
know, how Norv Turner can take a Super Bowl caliber team and make it the
laughing stock of the NFL.
I heard the excuses. “Well, Schottenheimer can’t win a
playoff game, so he needs to be fired!” Well, you got what you asked for. You
replaced him, with a man who has never even made the playoffs! That sure sounds
like an upgrade to me. I mean, the Chargers couldn’t have done better than
that. I knew when they hired the man; it was going to be a full frontal
disaster. I guess the good news for me is, Norv Turner will be back where he
belongs, coordinating the offense for the San Francisco 49ers. Have you seen our offense,
Norv? We miss you.
To speak on the San Diego Charger situation, I am getting
ready to deliver the journalism goods. I spare no expense when it comes to my
seven drunken readers. In fact, you may want to sober up for this one, as I
have an exclusive interview with the man who was shafted by Chargers, and I
promised him an open forum to tell them to let them know how he really feels
about the Chargers. Yes, that’s right. I have an exclusive interview with one
of the greatest regular season coaches of all time; the dirty rotten rhymer,
Mr. Marty Schottenheimer.
Lundy: I am a huge fan, since your days
as a linebacker with the Baltimore Colts. So, what do you think of the San
Diego Chargers, Marty?
Well, it seems that Mr. Schottenheimer can’t stop his
laughing at the San Diego Chargers, so we will conclude this very important
groundbreaking interview. I tried to call him back an hour later to finish the
interview, and he was still laughing to the point he needed an oxygen machine.
With that said, we would like to thank you for your time. I know you are not doing
what you love to do by coaching, but if you ever get depressed Mr. Schottenheimer,
just watch a Charger game. I am sure that will pick your spirits up in no time.
Wow, Donovan McNabb had a very eventful week, didn’t he?
It has been so rough on him the last few weeks considering the circumstance. We
should all feel sorry for McNabb, and you want to know why? Those puke colored
uniforms that he had to wear last Sunday against the Lions. What in the world
was that? No wonder, the Lions lost. Those poor Lions couldn’t keep themselves
form laughing at the Eagles as the streaked up and down the field for 56
points. I was going to crack a joke about how they stole them from a bunch of
clowns, but I just got a call from the Clowns Union that I would face lawsuits,
if I mention them in the same breath as those uniforms. I know the NFL likes to
use their marketing might to make even more money by providing these throwback uniforms
to the fans that buy them. However, somewhere in Philadelphia, there are crickets chirping on
the shopping racks where these putrid jerseys are displayed. Is anyone going to
buy an authentic acid trip Eagles jersey? If they do, will they survive the
many beatings that are sure to follow. If I were the Lions I would sue, as they
could not fully concentrate on the game, and it wasn’t because of the
cheerleaders, either.
Now, this is the part, I regret every week. Since, he was
banned from the Tank for making a foolish bet (Wow, that sounds like somebody I
know.), he has a lot to get off his mind. Everybody knows him as the Reverend, how
in the world are you doing Mr. Checo.
Checo: I just got this great deal on an
old USFL jersey. I only paid a Buck. Doesn’t it look awesome?
Lundy: My God, Checo. You are wearing an
acid puke Eagles throwback jersey. You need to go get your dollar back.
Checo: No, way, man. I like it. He had a
Houston Texan David Carr Jersey, he wanted to sell me. But, I wouldn’t even use
that as toilet paper.
Lundy: So, it looks like your dreams
failed you again. There was no LT that scored three touchdowns. If I was
seeking fantasy advice, I don’t think I would ask you. You are always wrong. I
know, we try to help all the fantasy owners, by giving them sound advice. But,
lately, you have been slipping. Are you any kind of drugs I should know about? It
would explain why you bought that jersey.
Checo: I am not on drugs. I try to be a
positive role model for the children out there.
Lundy: So, you want them to get beat up
for wearing ugly jerseys, too?
Checo: I am getting tired of being abused
by you. I am tired of answering all the questions in the “Who Should I Start”
Forum. When are you going to help me? I slave over a hot computer to answer those
questions, and what thanks do I get. You never help me out!
Lundy: Well, I am a busy man. I get home
and all the ladies are asking me about fantasy advice. Now, you wouldn’t want
to let the ladies down, would you?
Checo: You Mother and your sister do not
count as ladies. I am not even sure they qualify as women.
Lundy: That was not nice. I should make
you my codknocker of the week. I shouldn’t be doing this, but is there anything
else; you would like to get off your chest?
Checo: Matt Schaub is my hero. I had a
dream about Schaub last night.
Lundy: I do not want to hear about your
dreams, anymore. Say Good Night, before, I get arrested for something I might
regret.
I do not even know why I put up with that loser. Let’s
move on.
My codknocker of the week should have been Michael Vick,
but he has officially been moved to codknocker of the Century. No, I will go to
a different Falcon this time. Seriously, what was Delangelo Hall thinking in
that game against the Panthers? You give up 73 yards in penalties in a game.
Not only did that not help your team as Carolina was driving to take the lead, but
you lost your cool and got more yards for an unsportsmanlike conduct. Nice
thinking, there, you codknocker. I know if I was a teammate busting my behind
to win a game, and you did something like that, I would have beaten you up too.
You deserve that and the 100,000 dollar fine.
Well, this is the part of the article I hate. The Steelers won and I lost a bet
so here it is.; a picture of me in a Steelers Jersey. I am not proud of it, but
a man has to do what he has to do.
It’s not a very current picture, but it will do. I hope
you all enjoyed in my humiliation and embarrassment.
That is all I have this week. Let me leave with what
little bit of dignity I have left.
As always, if you have any hate mail, fan mail,
complaints, death threats, or if you just want to drop a line telling me how
awesome I am; email me at Lundylove@msn.com.
I might even answer some of your deepest darkest fantasy questions as long as
it is about football. If they are good enough I might even post them in an
upcoming article, and share your knowledge with the world
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