Yeah, But I Got Picks
Nov 1, 2013
More articles from Sin City Betbot 6000
Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (Who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT … is a dame’s job.”
I am going to give you all of my picks this week. Not because I love you, but … BZT … wait, it’s because I love you.
Carolina* - 7.5 over Atlanta - Ugh. I don’t like this line at all. On one hand, both teams are marginal, so I like the points. On the other hand, Ron Rivera.
Minnesota +10.5 over Dallas* - I feel dirty picking this Vikings team. On the other hand, the Cowboys giving double-digits? Love that.
New York Jets * +6 over New Orleans - I don’t love the Jets. I just love them getting six points against an underwhelming Saints defense.
St. Louis* +3 over Tennessee - I really like this one. Yes, I know there is very little quarterbacking going on in St. Louis, but there never had been much quarterbacking since Kurt Warner left. They are tough at home, and the Titans are not tough anywhere.
Buffalo* +3 over Kansas City - I ride with the Bills.
San Diego -1 over Washington * - This is like a coin flip. Buyer beware - on the other hand, when my eighth kid was born I was in Singapore smoking opium with two … BZT … ladies heretofore unmentioned. Wait, isn’t this a family website? Strike that, I was right there by my lady’s side, stroking her hair. Stroking her hair, I say!
Philadelphia + 2.5 over Oakland* - I don’t care if the Raiders are at home, what is with them laying points?
Tampa Bay +16 over Seattle* - Uhhh, that’s a lot of points. Really, that’s the play. Love Seattle, but … BZT … seriously.
Cleveland* +2.5 over Baltimore - Midway through the season and people still don’t realize these teams are basically not that different. I like Jason Campbell here as a fantasy play, too.
Pittsburgh +6.5 over New England* - You won’t hear me talk about the Boston Red Sox all year, I promise. But those bleepin’ beards are awful. Finally, they can shave happy. The Steelers are going to ride roughshod over the football team this week.
Indianapolis -2.5 over Houston * - Not much to say. The Texans don’t have a quarterback, and the Colts have a very good quarterback. That’s enough for me.
Chicago +10.5 over Green Bay* - This is the best play of the week. I get it, Jay Cutler ’s hurt. But the Packers defense is not going to hold the backdoor cover in prime time.
Nick Foles will start for the Philadelphia Eagles this week against the Oakland Raiders. Let’s see – a road game, against an AFC West team who has no aspirations this year? Expect a big game from Foles. Speaking of Foles, he is the quintessential Andy Reid quarterback pick not named … BZT … Donovan McNabb . A guy who looks good for about four games, will get a good paycheck and then go somewhere and disappear after his payday.
When I want to go to sleep, I watch Eagles' game-tape. Trust me, it’s better than three silky white Russians right before you go to bed (am I talking about the drink, or the women – you be the judge …). Since Week 3, you can call … BZZT … Eagles running plays just by looking at the formation. Nothing works better than running plays out of the shotgun formation … over and over and over and over and over again. The offense was fun to watch the first two weeks, then his quarterback play got incredibly sloppy; except for Nick Foles for six quarters against the New York Giants, then against Tampa Bay. Looking at game tape, receivers are open all over the field; but the Eagles quarterback of the week isn’t throwing to them. While the running game looks predictable to me, the execution on the passing plays is so bad that it looks like coach Chip Kelly is running the same pass play over and over again, also (a 5-yard dump off). You can’t play the quarterback position scared, and all three Eagles quarterbacks are right now.
Jerry Jones said that Deion Sanders could have shut Calvin Johnson down. OK. I am too bleeping lazy to look at the quote in context. I’m hoping it … BZZT … was in response to a similarly stupid question, because it’s friggin' silly. Sports fans do love having this kind of argument, and it needs to stop. Is there a bigger waste of breath than comparing athletes from different eras to each other? No – there isn’t. I’ll answer my own damn question. Hey Bob from Mapleton, next … BZT … time you call in to The Fan, or The Score, or The Fanatic or The Ticket, or whatever the hell your local sports radio station is called – don’t freaking compare Wilt Chamberlin to LeBron James. Don’t compare Jim Brown to Barry Sanders. Don’t try to guess if Roger Clemens could strike out Ted Williams. And hey, let’s not try to cipher if Bobby Orr would be able to keep Patrick Kane in check, okay?!!!
Where was I?
Calvin Johnson . Great game. There isn’t much more that … BZZZT … can be said about it. What I can speak about is the utter bile-filled contempt I have for the commercials (Nike? Puma? Apple? Yuengling? … whatever) he does with that rap impresario. The ones where Johnson undergoes a psychotic break and his persona splits in two. The part of his being plays football is named ‘Calvin;' the remaining bits of his consciousness is named ‘Johnson’ and is represented by the rap-spewing gentleman – Puff Biggy I believe his name is. Now, look, is there anything worse on this entire planet than these commercials? Yes, of course there is - genocide, Mounds bars, censorship, forced Canadian sourced music on Canadian radio stations. However, when it comes to what marches across my TV, these commercials are utter trash. It makes me want to root against Johnson – really. Here’s some career advice, straight from Mort Sahl – who was a close personal friend of mine – “Don’t give the audience a reason to hate you, they want to love you.” Dig it, OK?
Really, though, those Calvin and Johnson commercials are describing a … BZZT … psychotic break – someone should look into this.
Tampa Bay plays Seattle in Seattle on Sunday. Stay safe, Mike Glennon . I’ll light a candle for you this week.