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Great White Shark
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i'd guess there's been one of these before, but not recently... so here it goes!

i figure if we can keep a steady feed of jokes coming everyone can have some good laughs to look forward to every time they come to the tank - so post all your favorite and funniest jokes here!

i'll start the proceedings with my favorite [clean] joke of all time:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"


:lol: :lol:
Last edited by villy on Tue 12.27.2005, 23:15, edited 4 times in total.
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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
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Great White Shark
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LOL. Actually there are two other active joke threads going on.

http://www.fantasysharks.com/forum/view ... hp?t=35453
(Lundy and the blonde)

http://www.fantasysharks.com/forum/view ... hp?t=35361
(sometimes spam jokes are good enough to pass on...)

Can't ever have too many jokes though.
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Great White Shark
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soup_dog wrote:LOL. Actually there are two other active joke threads going on.

http://www.fantasysharks.com/forum/view ... hp?t=35453
(Lundy and the blonde)

http://www.fantasysharks.com/forum/view ... hp?t=35361
(sometimes spam jokes are good enough to pass on...)

Can't ever have too many jokes though.


CURSE THIS FEEBLE PEE-BRAIN OF MINE! :x

haha anyways, let's make this the OFFICIAL one :wink:
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You have to put in the curse words yourself, but i'll I'll come as close as I can.
There was this boy named Johny playing with his train track in his room while his mom was cleaning the house. Johny yells, "All aboard! Everybody whose getting on, get on. Everybody whose getting off, get the Fudge(the 'F' word) off! This trains going to Oklahma and we ain't gonna be late!"
His mom comes rushing to his room and says: "Johny! You know you're not suppose to talk like that. Now sit in the corner for one hour and maybe you'll learn to play nice." An hour later Johny goes back to playing with his train track. He yells:"All aboard! Everybody whose getting on, get on. Everybody whose getting off, get the Fudge(the 'F' word) off! This trains going to Oklahoma and we ain't gonna be late!"
His mom comes storming in his room again and says:" Johny! I told you once you're not suppose to be talking like that. Now sit in the corner for two hours and maybe then you'll learn to play nice!"
Two hours later Johny goes back to playing with his train track. He yells:"All aboard! Everybody whose getting on, get on! Everybody whose getting off, get the Fudge('F' word) off! This trains going to Oklahoma and this Binch(female dog) already has us two hours late!"
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A guy comes home from work on day and sees his wife standing on the curb with a suitcase. Of course he asks her what's going on, where is she going.

"I'm leaving you for good, you're disgusting, what you do is horrible, you're ahhh, ah...a pedophile!"

The husband replies "Wow, pedophile...that's a pretty big word for a 9-year old."

===========

A guy comes home from work one day to find his wife standing on the curb with her suitcase. He asks her where she's going and she replies:

"I just found out that in Las Vegas what I give you for free, I can get $400 a night for."

Upon hearing this the husband runs upstairs, packs a suitcase, and runs back out to the curb. His wife asks him what he's doing, and he replies:

"I want to see how you plan to live on $800 a year."
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Great White Shark
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Griffimo_Retardus wrote:A guy comes home from work on day and sees his wife standing on the curb with a suitcase. Of course he asks her what's going on, where is she going.

"I'm leaving you for good, you're disgusting, what you do is horrible, you're ahhh, ah...a pedophile!"

The husband replies "Wow, pedophile...that's a pretty big word for a 9-year old."

===========

A guy comes home from work one day to find his wife standing on the curb with her suitcase. He asks her where she's going and she replies:

"I just found out that in Las Vegas what I give you for free, I can get $400 a night for."

Upon hearing this the husband runs upstairs, packs a suitcase, and runs back out to the curb. His wife asks him what he's doing, and he replies:

"I want to see how you plan to live on $800 a year."


:lol: :lol: that's quality
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Great White Shark
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her ribs and screams, and then she pushes her elbow and screams with more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
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Cromagnon wrote:A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her ribs and screams, and then she pushes her elbow and screams with more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Heard it before but I laugh every single time.
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Griffimo_Retardus wrote:A guy comes home from work one day to find his wife standing on the curb with her suitcase. He asks her where she's going and she replies:

"I just found out that in Las Vegas what I give you for free, I can get $400 a night for."

Upon hearing this the husband runs upstairs, packs a suitcase, and runs back out to the curb. His wife asks him what he's doing, and he replies:

"I want to see how you plan to live on $800 a year."


very good :lol:

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his annual vacations at this country inn. The last time he finally had an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. So, of course, he went back for this year's vacation

He walked into the lobby and there sat his lover with an infant on her lap! The baby looked just like the young lawyer.

"Helen, why didn't you let me know you were pregnant?" the lawyer cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition and who the father was, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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Great White Shark
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nutty wrote:For three years, the young attorney had been taking his annual vacations at this country inn. The last time he finally had an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. So, of course, he went back for this year's vacation

He walked into the lobby and there sat his lover with an infant on her lap! The baby looked just like the young lawyer.

"Helen, why didn't you let me know you were pregnant?" the lawyer cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition and who the father was, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Quasimodo died and the bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews for the new bell ringer personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But ...you have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

"Bishop, who was this man?" "I don’t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless bell ringer, the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don’t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, “...but he’s a dead ringer for his brother."
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Great White Shark
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Groan...... That was so bad it's good. :lol:
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