The headlights flashed as the engine revved louder and louder. These country roads get eerily spooky after the sun goes down. The man was running from the car. Who knows why or what was happening? All the man knew was that he was fishing in the local pond and stayed out just a bit too late, and now; he was being chased by a souped up Ford Fusion in the dead cold air. The old fat man was running with all that his geriatric body would allow but the spooky car would always get closer and closer. He found a creek to duck out of the holler and he was for a moment, safe. Or so he thought…
Welcome to Pinto, he friendliest town in the South. Why the folks around here will invite any old stranger in their house to have a helping of supper, because it is just what they do. Even though the people are nice, nothing ever seems to go on around here, you know, because the people are so nice.
“I love fishing, Pop!” said the little boy.
“Shut Up you little turd.” The older gentleman took a swig of whiskey from his coca cola bottle. “I never wanted you but your whore of a mother didn’t want an abortion. The child support alone is killing me.”
“I love you Dad!”
“I told you not to call me Dad. I am Mr. Gridguru to you; you little freak, and for god sake, take a shower, Stonecutter. I never understood why your mother named you that it’s a stupid f---n name.”
“I know you are just saying that because you are drunk, Dad!” Little Stonecutter noticed a strange smell coming from the creek.
“Jesus son, if you have to go, go in the bushes.” Grid said taking another hit from his cigar. “You need to borrow some of that high powered douche from that whore of a mother of yours and gently apply to your arse.”
That’s when they noticed the body hanging from the tree with a timing chain around his neck.
“That is awesome!” Stonecutter said.
“Quit poking the body with a stick.” Gridguru warned his son. “You will get herpes or Aids or something.
A car came by as soon as they heard the news. It looked like a cross between a bat and a 1969 Chevy Camaro. Two costumed freaks jumped out of the car to calm the folks down.
“Calm down, everybody, Batman and Robin is here to figure this one out.” Batman said coming out of the passenger side.
“I love driving and I am only 16” The nerd in the Robin costume said. “Thank god, you got that DUI and lost your license Lundy or you would not even need me.”
“I know not of this Lundy you speak of.” Lundy said in his batman mask.
“If you guys are here, who is running the comic book store, you nerds?” Gridguru asked. “Onut, you look gay in that robin outfit and Lundy, you look like a douche.”
“Can I have your autograph?” Stonecutter said to the bat man. “I loved that last movie you were in. So, what brings you to Pinto?”
“Yeah, what brings you here” Grid asked the dweebs. “It’s not Halloween”
“Obviously, there has been a murder and we are here to solve the case.” Lundy said.
“Holy beatdowns, batman!” Onut said. “Look at these marks on the body. Looks like he was beat with the timing chain before they hung him with it.”
“Elementary, my dear, Robin… Only the Penguin is this diabolical.” Lundy said and that’s when the big man in the county made his presence known. The sirens were loud and direct. It was Sheriff Champs to put a hold on this amateur investigation. He stepped out of his police car and walked around a bit, sniffed the body and was shocked beyond belief.
“Oh, Mrs. Vikesfan is not going to like this at all.” He radioed into his Deputy Panchevitz” Pancheivous…”
“That is not my name!” the Deputy answered.
“Whatever! I need you to notify the next of kin that Vikes fan 4 life is no longer a vikes fan.” Sheriff Champs told him.
“Over and out.”
“We are on the case, Sheriff.” Lundy told Che sheriff.
“I will take it from here, don’t y’all have a dungeons and douches tournament to get to. Let the professionals handle this.”
“Hmmm, what do we have here?” Onut said picking up what appears to be a note taped to the forehead of the victim
“I will take that.” Champs grabbed the evidence and read it aloud. “This is not the first and won’t be the last. Signed William Cody.”
“I don’t know a William Cody” Robin said. “What could this mean?
“I wonder.” Lundy said.
“I may need some help on this case. You, two are hereby deputized.” Sheriff was puzzled and confused. “Who goes by that name?”
“I farted!” Stonecutter laughed.
Word travels round in a small town and Pinto is no different. People were spreading the gossip of Vikesfan's murder. Who could do such a thing? He was such a nice man who would do anything for anybody. Lundy and Onut were on the case though and they were not going to stop until they found their killer. So the first logical place to find some answers was Joker's Wild Garage and question that clown....
"May i help ya? Ha! Ha!" Yes it was the best mechanic in all of Pinto. He was also a car enthusiast which made him the prime suspect.
"So, You like cars, do you?" Lundy asked him in his Batman costume.
"What gave it away, genius." Joker said.
"Holy Deja Vu" Onut realized. "He reminds me of a villain we fought once."
"Interesting, Robin." Lundy said."Could it be the Riddler?"
"No, he isn't inquisitive enough"
"What about Hugo Strange?" Lundy asked once again.
"Not smart enough. Let me just tell you, i think I remember." Onut suggested.
"This is fun! I wanna guess." Lundy said. "Mad Hatter? Killer Croc? Scare Crow"
"Not Crazy enough. He is warm blooded and he really doesn't scare me all that much." Onut reasoned.
"I got it. Cat-woman." Lundy said thinking he cracked the case.
"Well, he is girly enough." Onut said. "But that's not it either."
"Are you two retarded?" Joker said laughing again. "Do you not watch any of the movies. I am a clown, I laugh I wear makeup."
"Thats why I guessed catwoman, because only a woman wears makeup." Lundy said.
"Or a homicidal clown." Joker said.
"So you do admit it." Lundy said. Book him Danno."
"I admit nothing." Joker said. "Besides, i didn't do it. I would lose a lot of business on my side job of entertaining kids on the side. Would you like a balloon animal?"
"Admit it." Lundy told the clown. "We know you killed him. You like cars and he was chased by a car and you did it."
"I was doing a party that night. I did not do it. So, suck it." Joker said.
"I know you did and your alibi is as flimsy as old man Jesteva's prescription drug rehab."
"Ummm, Batman. Onut said tugging on Lundy's cape in embarrassment. "He could not have done it."
"How do you know?" Lundy said curiously.
"Because, he was doing my birthday party.... I just turned 16 and my mother thought i would want a clown. He wasn't even that funny" Onut said. "I think i want a refund because you suck as a clown."
"You should have read the fine print." Joker said. "No refunds no matter how corny and lame my act is."
"I still think you did it." Lundy said as the sound of Bat-dance went off. "What? Doesn't everybody have a Prince ring tone."
"Lundy, you are weird." Joker said. "And , this is coming from a guy dressed as a clown who fixes cars."
Lundy answered his phone. "Yes Sheriff, There has been another murder!!!" Lundy said out loud.
'Holy serial Killer." Onut retorted.
"I killed a bowl of Cheerios this morning." Joker laughed at his own joke.
"Still not funny." Onut said.
"We will be back!" Lundy said. "Something strange is going on around here and I am going to find out you did it."
"I will be waiting, goofnuts." Joker laughed again." ta ta for now."
Lundy and Onut quickly jumped into the bat-mobile and drive like a bat out of hell to the new crime scene where Sheriff Champs was waiting. they hopped out of the car and saw the most disgusting siight ever. A body was lying on the ground filleted open from the back of the spine to the front. a huge hole was dug out of the abdomen with what seems to be a dull jagged salad spoon. Right beside the body was a fishing pole resting on a Y stick in the ground with the corpses liver hanging on the hook while the rest of the guts are floating in the water.
"Holy Fishbait!" Onut said. "The guy we are dealing with is not dealing with a full deck. Poor Gridguru. Seems the killer didn't like him finding out what he did."
"Hmmm." Lundy said observing the crime scene some more. "Grid was a drunk anyway. nobody liked him except for his son. Stonecutter."
"Did you all see this?'" Champs said. "Here is another note."
"Here's hoping there is a bite just waiting on you." said the note. "Signed Wyatt Earp."
"DADDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Stonecutter came down the hill to the fishing hole to find his father mutilated. and he was devastated. "Ooops, I farted again."
Welcome to c2o's! Its a diner just out of the skirts of town and that is where the absolute best eating in town is. Everybody comes from far and wide to smell what c2o is cooking and they eat and eat and eat and eat. But, mostly, its a hangout in this dry county where all the town folk can meet and talk about the news of the day, which happens to be today about not being safe in this town anymore.
“It's crazy man.” A fat man in overalls who looked and smelled like he has done chores on his farm. Of course he always smells like that since he hasn't showered in years. Krazy Kraut was his name and other then the smell, most folks liked him. “It's like we are not safe anymore.
“Well, I am sure Sheriff champs is on top of it. We voted in a good man. He served 5 tours of duty in Nam. I am not worried at all.” Hemol said as he took another sip of his sweet iced tea, and speak of the devil, the man sworn to protect and serve entered the diner.
“Would you like the usual?” c20 asked the sheriff as he took a seat at the bar.
“2 Eggs over easy.” Champs said. “How are you fine folks doing today?”
“We are scared.” Jistr said. “Are you finding out anything on this case?”
“Y'all do not have to worry about a thing.” the Sheriff said. “I have my best men on the case.”
“I am not. In fact, I haven't heard anything about this case.” Deputy Panchevitz retorted back to the Sheriff as he spit some more chew juice in a bottle.
“Exactly! We actually want to solve this crime, and the only reason you got this job was because you knocked up my niece and you need a way to support that baby.”
“I was really drunk that night.” Panchy said. “When I became sober, I could not believe how ugly she was and now I am stuck with her forever and our kid looks like a back swamp mutant.”
“I am certain Lundy, Onut and Stonecutter will figure it out.” Champs said sipping on his coffee. “Shame about Stonecutter's father though. His mother was unfit and nobody else claimed him, so I forced him on his Uncle Lundy. I am the law and I can do that. I wasn't going to take care of the booger eater. I am sure they are doing just fine.”
Meanwhile, where ever they were.
“Do I really have to wear this costume, I look like a girl.” Stonecutter cried out loud to his uncle.
“A Batgirl costume was all we had and we have to keep our identity a secret.” Lundy said as Onut hummed the Batman theme.
:”i am a boy, damn it and I should not be wearing panties.” Stonecutter said. “I did have some Spiderman pajamas.”
“You wanted to go on an adventure with us and we let you. Just be glad, we are letting you.” Lundy said. “besides pajamas are not the official costume but the worst blatant ripoff ever. So, pick out your wedgie and shut the hell up, Batgirl. We got a Case to crack.”
Just then there was a loud scream from just down the road. Immediately, our heroes rushed to the scene of the perceived crime. Onut was speeding up the batman theme as Lundy docked the Ipod into the deck and away he went to find out what all the commotion was just down the road. It was Sprigles who looked like he had just seen a ghost.
“You know you scream like a girl.” Lundy told Springles as he hopped out of his car. “AhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
thats when Batman screamed like a girl too when he saw what he saw.
“Maybe you should wear my costume” Stonecutter said.
“Well, if that isn't twisted.” Onut said. “The guy's legs are sticking out of this end of the wood shredder. But his body parts are blown all over in this direction.”
“It was just Jesrteva, and he was 100 years old so who cares. He was about to die anyway.” Springles said. “But, now I have to clean up this mess. Its an outrage, I will never be able to use this wood chipper again. The body ruined the blades.”
“This looks like it was done just last night.” Lundy said as he dipped his finger in the blood and tasting it.
“Here is another strange message.” Onut said. “It is written in blood on the machine.”
“If it had to end tonight, I'm ready to go, and I am content with it.... Signed, Roy Rodgers/”
“What does this mean?” Onut said.
“i am not sure.” Lundy said. “but, none of us our safe from this sicko.”
“I farted.” Stonecutter said.
“Damn it, boy, its not polite for bat ladys to fart.”
“oops I farted again...”
Last edited by springles
on Wed 02.23.2011, 12:49, edited 4 times in total.