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2007 BetBot Predictions

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the

Las Vegas

casinos in the late 50

s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob), The



Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.


The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after

San Francisco



in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot

s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.


The Betbot

s column is transcribed each week by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “

Typing is a dame

s BZZZT job.


Betbot! Where have you been!”

Harry Jameson, Head Chef at Delmonico’s Restaurant,

New York City


“Hey Betbot, long time no see!!”

Tony “Quickcrete” Luchesi, VP of “Operations”,

Las Vegas

Sanitation Dept. (yes, his business card has quotation marks around the word Operations)


“Ooooh … Betbot!”

-Svetlana, my longtime Russian girlfriend during our latest Session of Sweet


Now, except for the last quote (which I threw in to prove a point… about me getting lucky all the time… but I digress), you’ll notice a common thread. Perhaps, you have been wondering the same thing, where have I been? Well, here and there, mostly here – in Vegas, taking care of business. You may or may not remember that I had some money issues due to an incompetent manager (who I love dearly, still… Maury, I bleeping love you) and a demanding love life. I have been taking on a number of side projects to make some extra money, hopefully faster than Svetlana can spend it. That broad has some expensive tastes.


You may also recall that I was a successful author in the early 70s, I wrote these three novels during that time, which were quite successful in a blooming modern romance revival:

The Mysterious Loosening of Beatrice Quickham

The Scandalous Sausaging of Maggie Lovefield

The Surprising Quickening of Eliza Mayhew

Well, my new agent, who I must simply mention – Chad White (yeah, a little WASP-ier than I like to deal with in most of my affairs, but this young dynamo is a go getter!) thought outside the box a bit and contacted some successful authors with the thought of me co-writing a series. Well, the second call he placed was… BZZT… to James Patterson (Kiss the Girls, Along Came a Spider) who immediately jumped at the idea. Patterson came up with the idea, the plot and a lot of the plot points, and I wrote the dialogue.

I was so excited! Patterson spins gold out of his… well, he spins gold out of what he ate the night before. Patterson only had a few good books in him, but he is a marketing machine! He’s the Thomas Kinkade of the literary world, except where Kinkade is a one trick pony (I bleeping get it, lights on snow… in a village… now paint something else, Picasso), Patterson has a couple good ideas.

Well, Patterson’s well must have run dry, cause the book outline he gave stank worse than Don Knotts in a sauna (Rest in Peace, my friend). The series was to be about a 25 year old traveling chef (Named Rosemary Chryme… yes… really) who solves crimes as a hobby. Talk about a stretch! The series is going to be called The Spice of Death and the first book is to be called:

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary Chryme

As you can tell, I had my work cut out for me… The series is still called the same thing, and the title of the book is the same, but I was given free range over everything else (OK, I couldn’t change Rosemary’s name either)… Let’s just say I really spiced it up, and the pages are littered with imaginative Sessions of Sweet. I can’t get into details, since this is a family column, but let’s just say you’ll never… BZT… look at your pantry the same way again.

So, now that I have that first book behind me – it’s time to talk NFL. And as always, we start with my predictions for each division  – Remember the rules here folks:

I call ‘em like I see ‘em

I am right more often than not

If I don’t like your team’s chances, don’t take it personally, Mindy

AFC East

Just like: George W. Bush

The right mix of sustained mediocrity and moments of utter incompetence (see:
Ted Ginn) means one thing: the rich get richer.


New England

Patriots (12-4)

New York

Jets (9-7)


Bills (7-9)


Dolphins (7-9)


The other day I heard someone crying about how
Travis Henry and
Tom Brady were getting treated differently over their illegitimate children. Well, if I bring donuts to work and you eat one, I don’t think much of it. If you eat nine, you’re a bleeping selfish pig.


New York

is a decent team with good QB depth. But the best thing about the
Jets is that their head coach is named



lost a ton of players on defense, but something’s brewing on offense with
JP Losman and
Lee Evans. If their youngsters on defense can make some noise this team could be a spoiler.


I still can’t believe the
Dolphins passed on
Brady Quinn. This is the kind of blunder we expect from the Jets, not


. Think about how the fans must feel – their team just passed over a franchise QB in favor of a kick returner.


AFC West

Just like: The Jimmy Johnson era Cowboys

Not even Norv Turner can screw this up.


San Diego

Chargers (10-6)


Broncos (9-7)


Raiders (5-11)

Kansas City

Chiefs (3-13)


San Diego

is busy patting themselves on the back over the
Michael Vick trade. Well, last I checked the
Falcons have seen a championship game recently. How much credit you want me to give a front office that can’t find a better coach than
Norv Turner?


Mike Shanahan

thinks he’s so smart constantly fiddling with his backfield and thumbing his nose at fantasy owners. Yeah, well at least some of us have won a title without
John Elway. Enjoy another season of mediocrity, genius.



’s defense is actually pretty decent, no doubt the result of extreme confidence from dominating the pitiful
Raiders offense in practice.



Carl Peterson on HBO’s Hard Knocks: “I think we have the right mix of young players and veterans…to take us where we all want to go.” True, if where you want to go is the top of the 2008 NFL Draft.


AFC North

Just Like: “Steely McBeam”



is going to be happy with the results. Everyone else will be recoiling in horror.



Steelers (11-5)


Bengals (9-7)


Ravens (8-8)


Browns (6-10)


Let’s start at the bottom, shall we? Dawg Pound – the
Brady Quinn Era starts sooner rather than later.


Steve McNair

, Steve McNair, Steve McNair – I would love this team if I had any faith that McNair can stay healthy. As it is, I err on the side of caution and give them a whopping 3 less wins.


One of the winners in the
Michael Vick saga- the
Bengals PR team… The
Bengals will score lights out again, but unless a defense shows up – they will be scrapping for the last Wild Card spot in the AFC.


Steelers are a deep, talented team. As I said last year, don’t rely too much on
Mr. Roethlyzplyk and they will be fine (OK, I said almost the same thing for them last year – I admit it when I am really wrong).


AFC South

Just Like:




The first two records are great; everything else is pretty darn mediocre.



Colts (11-5)


Jaguars (10-6)


Titans (7-9)


Texans (7-9)


More of the same from the
Colts. An offense that can hurt you a number of ways, and a defense that I have major doubts about with Post – Super Bowl attrition.


Jacksonville Jaguars

this high, what I am, drunk? As a matter of fact, I am – but see the
Steelers write up above and if the Jags follow that formula, they’ll sneak into the playoffs (yes, I bleeping know
Leftwich is gone).


Vince Young

comes back to earth a bit, but continues maturing. The
Titans aren’t there yet; but I have faith in
Jeff Fisher (his barber, not so much).


Houston Texans

get a QB who isn’t completely shell shocked and show some progress. You should be happy,


, you’ll get to the playoffs some day – with
Schaub as the QB. (and no, I am not going any further out on a limb than that… I weigh .45 tons!!)


NFC East

Just Like: A cheesesteak

Disappointing once you leave




Eagles (11-5)


Cowboys (8-8)


Redskins (8-8)

New York

Giants (6-10)


Eagles’ brass insists they’re competing for a championship, but actions speak louder than words. They spent their first draft pick on the 3rd string QB. Good enough to win this division because of
Donovan McNabb and
Brian Westbrook, but the defense is so soft.


I’d like


better if their receivers weren’t old and
Tony Romo didn’t fade like a bad dye job down the stretch. They should have a solid defense but not much else.


The Redskins will improve just by having
Jason Campbell under center all year. Anyone who thinks
Clinton Portis is a #1 fantasy back is on drugs, he’s got a bum knee and that means time sharing with
Ladell Betts.


In five years Giants fans will be saying that we need to be patient with
Eli Manning because he’s only entering his ninth season. Look kids, it’s his 3rd year as a starter – start facing reality, he’s just not that bleeping special.


NFC West

Just Like: The WNBA

Someone wins, nobody cares.


San Francisco

49ers (9-7)


Seahawks (9-7)

St. Louis

Rams (8-8)


Cardinals (7-9)


Mike Nolan

coaches naked, then proclaims “The NFL said I could wear a suit – how about my birthday suit!? Yeah, ahaahahhahah!!!” It could happen.


I am the egg man. I am the egg man. I am
Mike Holmgren. Goo goo ga joob.


I kind of like this
Steven Jackson, he has a lot of moxie. 
Bill Parcells really soiled the sheets on that draft pick. Still,

St. Louis

hasn’t been good on defense in some time and
Torry Holt has a bum knee. That’s not good if your job requires lots of running.


You know how everyone kept picking the Atlanta Braves to win the NL East just because they did it like 15 years in a row? Well, the equivalent in football is the pre-season comment “One of these years


is going to put it all together.” I keep trotting that out and it keeps working.


NFC North

Just Like: Two Helpings of Oatmeal

Two bland, but fulfilling, experiences – followed quickly by crap.



Bears (9-7)

Green Bay

Packers (9-7)


Lions (5-11)


Vikings (4-12)



is my kind of town! The
Bears are going to be a scary ride for their fans, though.


Green Bay

challenges for a playoff spot. This time around the defense carries the offense through tough games (all bets are off if
Driver is really hurt though – good defense or not).


My prediction heuristics now weigh heavily against any team
Matt Millen is involved with. Lots of points for AND against the
Lions this year.


Kelly Holcomb should be the starter for the
Vikings this year, but they need to see if
Tarvaris Jackson is for real. I sense a rift in the locker room between offense and defense by week 8.


NFC South

Just Like:


’s March to the sea.

The South is on fire, but only


gets burned.


New Orleans

Saints (10-6)


Panthers (10-6)



Buccaneers (8-8)


Falcons (4-12)


Saints aren’t going to be a patsy any more.
Sean Payton’s team is a quality team, they have a target on their backs this year, but still make another playoff run.


It’s hard to call the
Panthers a surprise team given their 5 year history, but they are. I think defense drags this team into the playoffs in a weak NFC.


Jeff Garcia has proven his worth as a QB when he has a couple weapons around him. If
Cadillac Williams can survive the year, and take advantage of a passing threat, the Bucs rise to mediocrity.


Falcon fans. ‘Nuff Said…



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