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A Conversation With a Fantasy Football Addict

We all have our vices. Some of us drink too much, and some of us smoke too much. Shoot, even I am addicted to Slurpees and Starbucks coffee. I can’t go a day without them. You should really try and mix the two together. Yummy! There are people of all shapes and sizes who are slaves to that one thing they can’t get enough of, whether; it is food, drugs or women.

Then, there are those folks who can’t get enough of our favorite hobby, fantasy football. Recently, I had a chance to talk to the biggest fantasy addict I could find. Let me tell you, this cat is the biggest loser in the universe. How many leagues do you have? Ten, you say. Ha! This guy would consider that a good first step. Honestly folks, I thought I was the craziest person that there ever was, but this guy takes the cake and the pie. I mean, he needs psychological help, immediately, for the sake of everyone around him. I genuinely fear for the mental well being of this otherwise fine upstanding gentleman.

Why is he so much more of an addict than you? Well, for one, he is in ninety-nine or more leagues as of August 1st. That is not a typo, my friend, and I am, surely not making this up. I was as floored as you when he told me this deepest darkest vice of his and now I am going to share that very conversation with you. He agreed to do this interview, only if I hid his identity. I can’t say I blame him. This is the kind of thing that would haunt and embarrass you and your family for generations to come. So, for the sake of his great-great grandchildren’s reputation in life, we will just call this guy “Tom Doe Jr.” So, without further adieu, I give you the exclusive conversation with the biggest addict in fantasy football.

Lundy: I heard that you love Fantasy Football. In fact, I heard that you were in 99 leagues. Seriously, what is up with that?

Tom Doe: Lundy, I think I might have a problem. (You Think!) I am currently in 88 Yahoo Leagues, 10 fantasyshark community leagues and a money league. Every night, I join another free league at yahoo. You know I have different yahoo screen names with the maximum of four teams per ID. (Not even sure if this crazy old man even knows the limits of Yahoo registration, but I digress.) I am like a mad man. I can’t stop. In fact, I am doing a draft right now as we speak.

Lundy: You do know that there are free mocks all over the internet? You can draft all you want, and you don’t even have to keep the team.

Tom Doe

: Are you mocking me?

Lundy: I would never dream of it. So, just how many different kinds of leagues do you play in? It would have to be boring playing in the same kind of league 99 times.

Tom Doe

: I will play in any kind of league, from four team to 16 team leagues. I play in keepers. I play in dynasty. I play in redrafts. I play IDP. I have a league for you, and a league for me. Any kind of scoring you can think of and even some that even you can’t imagine. There are points only and head to head. I am in leagues with kings. I am in leagues with the poor. When I need my fix, I always join one more. You think this is a lie. I am telling you, it’s all true. I am in a league with strangers, and I am in a league with you. If there is a league to make in fantasy football, you can bet that I am the one to make the call.

Lundy: Who knew Dr. Seuss was a fantasy addict? So, that must be hard on your wife, being in so many leagues. What does she say about your hobby?

Tom Doe

: I am not married, and I haven’t had a girlfriend in years.

Lundy: No kidding. I wouldn’t believe that in a million years. I have to say I am shocked. (Not really shocked.)

Tom Doe

: No it’s true. There was one lady a long time ago. She was the love of my life. Unfortunately, she broke it off, after I stood her up negotiating a trade offer. I really wanted Emmitt Smith bad.

Lundy: So, Emmitt Smith was more important than the love of your life?

Tom Doe: You are darn right he was. He scored 22 touchdowns that year. I would have had him, too, had that shameless woman not called me so much, keeping my phone line busy. I was in heavy negotiations, and I made sure to let her know never to call back until this trade was done. Guess what? She never called back.

Lundy: Well, that was enlightening. Let’s move on to the next question. How do you plan to keep track and manage all these teams? That has to be a daunting task.

Tom Doe: Well, since I don’t have any friends, it is pretty easy. Of course, I have my favorite leagues that I pay attention to, like my money league and community leagues. You know I checked my email this morning and I received twenty trade offers. Most of them want to rip you off. I hate that. I, mean what kind of an idiot do they think I am?

Lundy: Do you really want me to answer that?

Tom Doe

: I know that being so involved in fantasy football sounds crazy to some people, but I love it. It is my life. I go through wicked withdrawal symptoms between February and July. Then, I have to do the harder stuff, like fantasy competitive eating. I had Joey Chestnut in five leagues, last year.

Lundy: That’s the funniest thing I ever heard. You play fantasy competitive eating. Excuse me for a second while I compose myself. Wow, you are worse off than I thought. (At this point, I am still laughing. After five minutes of hilarity, he stops me.)

Tom Doe: Umm, I think you are in one of my fantasy competitive eating contests, if I am not mistaken.

Lundy: Yeah, and I would have beat you, too, if Takeru Kobayashi would not have ruptured his tonsils. Am I bitter? Heck yes, I am bitter. I had that championship won. I could have been somebody. I could have been a contender. Hold on a second, this is isn’t about me, sir. (I promise I only did the competitive eating thing once. No, I mean it. I swear.) You are the one that is wacko. I think it might be time for an intervention. Maybe you need a fantasy football patch.

Tom Doe: They make those?

Lundy: I don’t think so. That is I haven’t seen them. So, how much a year, would you estimate that you spend on fantasy football.

Tom Doe: See, that is the beauty of it. There are all kind of free leagues all over the internet. You don’t have to spend a whole lot of money. Hold on a second, my pick is up. Who do you like better: Thomas Jones or Travis Henry?

Lundy: Are you asking me for fantasy advice during this heavy hitting journalism award winning interview?

Tom Doe

: Yes! Now, Hurry Up. I only got 30 seconds to decide.

Lundy: I like Thomas Jones.

Tom Doe: What the heck do you know? I am going with Henry. Man, you really don’t know anything about fantasy football at all, do you?

Lundy: I don’t know, I think I do pretty well. I won a championship last year.

Tom Doe: One. I laugh at that number. I won 15, last season. This season, I hope to win 20 more. Next year I think I am going to join 200 fantasy leagues, and win 100 championships.

Lundy: Those are ambitious goals. So ambitious, that I am sure it interferes with your work. Does your boss approve of your addiction?

Tom Doe

: No. In fact, let me tell you story. One day, my boss had the nerve to ask me to order some copier paper. He said we were running low, or something. I don’t know, and frankly, I didn’t care. I was too busy posting on fantasysharks and getting my cheat sheets together. I tried to ignore him, but that son of a gun just kept asking and asking like it was part of my job or something. Finally, I got tired of his crap and told him that I was busy and to leave me the heck alone. After three days without pay, I learned my lesson. Now, I do all my fantasy football at home. I bet I spend at least 20 hours or more a week. That, in itself is like a half of a fulltime job.

Lundy: I just can’t get over the fact you have 99 leagues. Why not a hundred?

Tom Doe

: Because if I did a hundred, people would start to think I am a little weird.

Lundy: Last question. And then I will leave you alone. Could you ever envision giving up fantasy football?

Tom Doe

: I could quit whenever I want. I don’t think I have a problem. In fact, I bet you, I can quit, right now. Just as soon as this next draft is over; I promise. I have the first pick. How do you like that? LaDainian Tomlinson, here I come. Well, Mr. Lundy, it was nice talking to you, but I have a draft to attend to.

Well, there you have it. I know most of you are thinking that I made this up. But, I promise you, it is true. I would never mislead you with a fabricated interview just for the sake of entertainment. I am above all that. I only write the truth. This gentleman is a well respected member of the community, but he has one problem. He joins too many leagues. However, he isn’t killing anybody or robbing people blind, so this award winning writer doesn’t think he has a problem at all. However, the important lesson in all this is to go ahead and play in as many leagues as you want. Even if your wife thinks it is too many. In fact, it may not be enough, and it certainly doesn’t compare to “The Fantasy Football Addict.”

As always, If you have any hate mail, fan mail, complaints, death threats, or if you just want to drop a line telling me how dumb this article is email me at I might even answer some of your deepest darkest fantasy questions as long as it is about football.

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