1st Annual Fantasy Sharks All-Freaky Name Team
Alright, so this isn’t the All-Madden Team. These guys aren’t known for their toughness or their unbelievable playmaking ability. This is the 1st Annual Fantasy Sharks All-Freaky Name Team from the home office in Tupu, TN. It’s the brainchild of our illustrious editor-in-chief, Rob Schare. Nothing too freaky about that name, or mine either, for that matter. Hell, between the two of us, we don’t even have 20 letters in our names and together, we don’t even cover all of the vowels. There are a couple of guys on this team that come close to doing both of those things with their last name alone!
Yes, the All-Freaky Name Team. You don’t have to be a freak to get on this team. You won’t see Jevon Kearse here even though his nickname is “The Freak”. Besides, I’d hate to run into him after making fun of his name. In fact, as I write this, I’m giving serious thought to including only players that I’m sure I could outrun. Now I know why Rob asked me to write this article instead of writing it himself.
Let’s start out with the Offensive players. That refers to the position these guys play on the field and, in some cases, the sound you have to make in order to pronounce their name correctly. Please keep in mind that the phonetic spellings provided are my best attempt at sounding these things out. You’re welcome to try it yourself, just not while you’re alone.
QB – Oakland – Marques Tuiasosopo (Mark-ees Too-ee-ah-so-so-po)
I didn’t think I’d find a good, quality, freaky name for a Quarterback. I figured I was going to throw the QB in at the end and make fun of Ryan Leaf or something. Instead, thanks to Marques, I’m leading off with a QB. I’d repeat his last name here but I’m trying to get at least halfway through this without covering the keyboard with saliva.
RB – Pittsburgh – Chris Fuamatu-Ma’afala (Kris Foo-ah-mah-too-Mah’ ah-fah-la)
You knew this guy would make the team. Just try saying his name 5 times fast without cracking up. I’ll try again…Chris, Chris, Chris, oh stop…I can’t take it!
WR – Cincinnati – T.J. Houshmandzadeh (Tee Jay Hoosh-man-d-zah-day)
I’d love to know what those two initials stand for. Something tells me that given the option, he would’ve converted his last name to an initial instead. Well, at least the initials and his last name rhyme.
TE – St. Louis – B. Manumaleuna (Bee Man-oo-mah-loo-na)
Speaking of rhymes, his last name rhymes with itself. Now that’s impressive.
Another area where I wasn’t expecting much material to work with. I didn’t have the heart to mention Kris Brown but I was prepared to bring up Bill Gramatica. Even if his brother Martin’s name is slightly freakier, Bill certainly deserves as much ridicule as possible. Luckily, I found enough material to avoid mentioning any of them.
P – Baltimore – Dave Zastudil (Dayv Zahs-too-dill)
Not too freaky but yet fun to say.
K – Jacksonville – Hayden Epstein (Hay-den Ep-steen)
While this name is also not too freaky, he makes the team by being an impressive combination of two of my all-time favorite sitcom characters wrapped into one freaky, overbearing, note-bearing, special teams player.
Now for the Defensive players. While many fantasy leagues don’t make use of individual defensive players, especially Linemen, the over-abundance of material in this area made it impossible to ignore.
G – San Diego – Toniu Funoti (Tony-oo Foo-naw-tee)
His name literally has fun written all over it (and naughty too!!).
DT – Baltimore – Ma’ake Kemoeatu (Mah’ Ay-kee Kee-mo-ay-too)
If his middle name were Brea, he’d be Ma’ake Brea Kemoeatu. Get it? But what’s a moeatu?!
DE – Miami – Adewale Ogunleye (Ah-deh-wayl Oh-gun-li)
I’d wail too if that was my name.
LB – Dallas – Dat Nguyen (Dat N-yoo-en)
He’s been around long enough that most people can now pronounce his name. However, he makes the All-Freaky Name Team due to a lack of depth at the linebacker position. In fact, due to his seniority, he’s now the Captain of the All-Freaky Name Team.
DB – Houston – Demarcus Faggins (Dee-mar-kus Fag-inz)
Huh, huh…he said faggins.
DE – Green Bay – Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila (Kah-beer G-bah-jah-Bee-ah-mee-lah)
I saved the best for last. I know there’s already a Defensive End on the team but I couldn’t bench either one of these guys. This is hands down, the best name on the team. Not only is it freaky and impossible to pronounce, but it also has the word beer in it. Everyone else is playing for 2nd place.
Well there you have it, from the home office in Tupu, TN, the 1st Annual Fantasy Sharks All-Freaky Name Team is in the books. There were plenty of deserving players who didn’t make the team this year. If your favorite, vowelly-challenged player didn’t make the cut, it’s probably because my keyboard doesn’t have the special characters necessary to spell his name. If you’d like to come to the home office and discuss it with me over a beer, all you have to do is… Mosi Tatupu. See you next year…