Saturday - Jan 23, 2021

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Betbot: Rant Week

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (Who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines and living the good life.

The Betbot was decommissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT … is a dame’s job.”

Not much time for an intro this week because I have an immediate pimp slap I need to lay down on some malcontents with bad hair. Step up to the backhand, Asante. Bring that chin up a little higher, son. Higher. No, still higher. BZZT! Can we get a stool for this kid?

NFC Notes

Asante Samuel
attacked the Philadelphia Eagles’ front office because he is upset over his role for the Eagles this year. And because they traded for
ominique Rodgers-Cromartie
. And because they signed
Nnamdi Asomugha
. And because
Joe Banner
Howie Roseman
are dweebs. I’m not saying that I don’t understand his anger and frustration. Hell, I’d be mad about a couple of those things too – but I don’t understand the timing.

Samuel wants to be traded. Maybe there was some kind of gentleman’s agreement before the trade deadline to move him – who knows (besides Samuel and the Eagles brain trust?)  It looks like Samuel was upset that he wasn’t traded at the deadline. So what good does it do him to be all pissy now? What does he gain? Samuel should have done this weeks ago if he really wanted to be traded out of town. What does he think the Eagles will do now? Drop him? Not likely.

Samuel needs to shut up and sit the bleep down. Now. Make noise after the season is over if you must. In the mean time, take the millions of dollars you are being paid to play a game.

The New York Giants host the Miami Dolphins this week. The Giants will be 5-2 in a division that looks like only one team will make it to the playoffs.
om … BZZT … Coughlin
will really have to do a horrible job of coaching to miss the postseason this year. He’s shown he can blow it before, but I think even he can’t muck this up.

Ditto for the San Francisco 49ers, except the chump visitors are the Cleveland Browns. San Francisco will be 6-1. There will be no “Sucking for Luck” for
im Harbaugh
and friends.

Christian Ponder
was good enough to keep the Minnesota Vikings in the game with the Green Bay Packers last week. Smart throws to
Visanthe Shiancoe,
reliance on
Adrian Peterson
and a newly enthused defense may get the Vikings to a respectable level of play by the end of the season.

Here’s a little reminder for you. The Seattle Sahawks traded a third-round pick and moved down 20 picks in the second round for
Charlie Whitehurst.
They also traded a fourth
and sixth
rounder for
LenDale White
. Seattle is currently 2-4 and -31 in point differential. Pete Carroll shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the draft board.

AFC Notes

The AFC West currently features teams with point differentials of 5, -18, -32 and -45. Suffice to say that we aren’t looking at a contender here regardless of who makes the playoffs.  At some point you figure
Philip Rivers
will come out of his funk and lead the Chargers to the top of this division, but he is either injured or taking a dive. He has too much talent to being played like this.

And before you comment on his having lost players like
arren Sproles o
r not having a completely healthy
Antonio Gates
– this is a player who threw 30 touchdowns last season with the likes of
Seyi Ajirotutu
egedu Naanee
at wide receiver. I’m pretty sure something else is going on.

Nice comeback win against the Miami Dolphins last week for
Tim Tebow
. But, why are you having to come back at all against an 0-5 team? Seriously. I know Tebow is a polarizing figure but any rational mind can see that an overtime win against Miami is not going to pay the bills. It will be interesting to see how Denver plays against Detroit this weekend, given that the Lions are trying to stop a two-game losing streak.
Ndamukong Suh
is going to try to rip Tebow’s head off and eat it.

What is it with AFC teams ruining Monday Night Football? It’s bad enough that ESPN can’t get out of its own way with the overproduction, but can we get a decent game? I fell asleep twice during the Jacksonville-Baltimore debacle, which was more painful than watching a porno starring people on depression meds. Somebody do something already! This Monday we get treated to AFC West action between San Diego and Kansas City.

Jon Gruden, I am begging you to stop with the vague quarterback platitudes. Praise
om Brady
all you want – he’s earned it. *And I’m not just saying that because he’s graciously raising my illegitimate love child.* But if I hear “This guy,
att Cassel
, he can sling the ball all over the field” or some such nonsense this Monday, I may blow a circuit. Monday Night Football, brought to you by Best Buy – because within five minutes you want to put your foot through the TV.

It’s a race to the bottom for Miami and Indianapolis, but my money is on the Dolphins having the best chance to go winless. Have you looked at their schedule the rest of the way?  
Reggie Bush
’s agent just called announcing Bush expects to sprain something as soon as possible.

And now I will end the column with another malcontent that needs to be taught a lesson in manners.

Chris Johnson
doesn’t think it’s his fault he’s averaging 2.9 yards per carry this season. He also doesn’t appear all that concerned about the situation. Note that backup
Javon Ringer
also gains around three yards per carry, so maybe Johnson has a point? No, no, no, BZZT, no. This whole offseason, Johnson whined about his contract because he wasn’t being paid like a superstar – the implication being that he was so valuable that he was worth a huge pile of cash. The Titans obliged. So don’t come to me now and tell me it’s the line, you ingrate. You’re paid extra to perform a whole lot better than some generic Sparty backup that I can find on waivers. Get it?

So long for now, and remember, “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT … gin.”

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