Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
Chris Simms – TB – I read another guru’s column recently suggesting you grab Tim Rattay after his trade to the Buccaneers. It’s that type of shoddy advice that keeps guys like me in business. Look, Rattay hasn’t exactly …BZZZT… lit it up in San Francisco, but besides the fact that the 49ers have been pretty bad lately, Rattay hasn’t been able to stay healthy for any length of time. Tampa coach Jon Gruden has a reputation as a QB guru due to his work with Rich Gannon and Brian Griese. I don’t know if he can work the same magic with way-too-blonde Chris Simms, but I’m willing to cough up a roster spot to find out. Following this week’s bye the Bucs play San Francisco and Carolina, two teams who have been …BZZT… really weak against the pass this year.
Anthony Thomas – DAL – Oh, that tricky Bill Parcells – he just won’t tell you when Julius Jones will be back, will he? To make matters worse, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is again saying that Julius will be …BZZT… back in the lineup this week, which is becoming a kiss of death for JJ’s fantasy owners. That’s appropriate because Jerry Jones looks like death. He may just be preparing to go as the grim reaper for Halloween this year, but methinks another round of plastic surgery is the order of the day down in Irving. I’m looking at Dallas’ week 9 bye and thinking JJ may be on the shelf with his high ankle sprain until week 10. If that’s the case, then it may just be time to ride the A-Train, who scored 21 carries against the Giants last week. The Seahawks aren’t …BZT… half bad against the run but the week 8 opponent, Arizona, is one of the worst teams in the league at run-stopping.
Nick Goings – CAR – Stephen Davis and DeShaun Foster sure like to keep the Panthers training staff busy. Neither of these guys can seem to stay fully upright for very long, which would be fine if they were on a Minnesota Vikings dinner cruise, but they’re running backs. Goings filled in admirably last season when Carolina needed him, and if Davis and Foster can’t get their acts together I’m sure Nick would be just fine if he had to take over again this year. Why not take a …BZZZT… shot and stash him on your bench? By the way, not to gloss over the Vikings’ sex party, but why are people calling it the “Love Boat”. The Love Boat was a classy, classy show that respected and glorified the kind of passionate sessions of sweet only found on a cruise ship. I know, as I’ve already told you how my own time on the Love Boat endeared me to Charo, a classy, gorgeous doll with a killer accent. What happened on Lake Minnetonka was neither classy nor respectful. That ain’t no Love Boat, fellas.
Greg Lewis – PHI – This is a wide receiver who was largely unheralded going into the season. With the injury to Todd Pinkston, he got a little pop as the new #2 wide receiver in Philadelphia. Now, don’t…BZZT… get me wrong, he hasn’t done a whole lot so far this season, he’s probably somewhere in the mid-40s in scoring in your league, and may have been dropped by another owner due to the rash of injuries and his mediocre performance so far. Terrell Owens is obviously the #1 target for Donovan McNabb, with Brian Westbrook and LJ Smith…BZZZZT… playing a distant 2 and 3.
The Eagles woes these past couple of games can be linked to a lot of factors, but on offense, I look for the Eagles to get back to what made them so successful these past seasons, getting lots of people involved. In the loss to the Cowboys Lewis was targeted 7 times, he hasn’t been targeted less than 6 times all season; now all he has to do is actually catch the…BZT… ball. If Lewis is available in your league, snatch him up. With the Eagles playing the 27th ranked pass defense this week, Lewis could be a nice option for leagues with at least 3 starting WRs.
Brandon Jones – TEN – Jones was targeted 12 times last week in the Titans win. Drew Bennett is hurt and may not be back for the Titans for a couple games. Look, take a gamble on this kid, …BZZZT…he has only 19 catches so far, but 16 of those 19 catches have resulted in first downs (15) or touchdowns (1); those sort of results make you a favorite target of your QB, like Lewis, he’s a guy who needs to start taking advantage of the opportunities presented, I think that happens very soon.
Alex Smith – TB – One of my favorite waiver wire moves is to grab the tight end for a team switching QBs. Smith is somewhat involved in the Bucs passing game already, and now we’re going to throw an inexperienced QB under …BZZZT… center. Here’s how it works – Gruden calls a lot of short patterns and easy completions to get Simms’ confidence up, and he’ll almost certainly have the TE running short check down routes to bail Simms out of trouble on long passes. All that short stuff means a lot of work for Smith. Then, as soon as the defense brings up the safeties to lock down the short passing game Tampa runs the TE down the seam for a big gain. This call is so easy I should be charging Tony double for this article. Alas, I’m paid by contract so if I want more I’ll have to hold out. Of course I freely admit that I would be the worst contract extension in the history of fantasysharks.com. Tony knows that once he signs me long term I’ll be mailing in gibberish late Saturday night, and he would be left feeling like the Atlanta Falcons front office following year 1 of the Peerless Price experiment. We gave up a ton of cash and a first round pick for this? …BZZZT… Ohhh noooooo…
St. Louis Rams – I love New Orleans, I recently traveled there right before Hurricane Katrina struck. Svetlana and I toured the French Quarter and the great Southern Plantations. I had a few…BZT… Hurricanes, Hand Grenades and a lot of vodka. Svetlana and I even had a session of sweet amidst the bacchanalian ecstasy of Bourbon Street, we were so overcome with the atmosphere, that we formed a union in the trash heap behind Pat O’Brien’s. As Svetlana and I toured the various haunts of the city, I realized that a beautiful city laid beneath all the partying and debauchery. As a big fan of debauchery and beauty, New Orleans has always been a favorite of mine. All that said, the Saints blow, especially when they are away from San Antonio, or Baton …BZZZT… Rouge, or wherever – if the Saints are on the road, pick up the defense of the team they are playing, that’s standing advice going forward. We’re with you New Orleans, but man does your team suck.
Tecmo Super Bowl Tip of the Week
Resetting the game – I’ll keep this short and sweet this week. I’ve been getting a lot of e-mails about proper etiquette regarding when it’s OK to reset the Nintendo in the final seconds of what looks like a lost TSB game. There is no etiquette at play here – anyone that deliberately resets the game to avoid a loss is a cheap punk. This is especially true when playing another human, but even playing against the computer you need to show some self-control! Take your …BZZT… beating like a man and move on to the next week.
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
Red or white?
Well, Charles, I’m not sure what the bleep you’re asking about…wine I suppose? Well, the answer is neither. I was never a big fan of wine to be honest …BZZT… sure I will have it when it’s the only option at dinner at a friend’s house, but I remember one time when Joey Bishop told me, “BB (he called me BB), the taste of wine is fine, but nothing clears the palate like a good Scotch.”
Unlike most things the great Mr. Bishop told me, I disagreed with him. “Scotch doesn’t clear the palate,” I countered. “Scotch clears the way for the reception of something new. Whether the new thing being received is a new book, or conversation, meal or simply another scotch. “Then I realized, I was…BZZZT… spewing a bunch of BS, alcohol does that to you; especially scotch. I just kept my mouth shut after that, I was philosophizing too much, and doing it in the presence of a fellow Rat Packer – embarrassing. I just like the taste of scotch, wine’s OK, but scotch goes down almost as easy as…BZT… a well made martini.
So if you were asking about wine, I’m not going to be a whole lot of help, you guys really need to be more specific with your…BZZZT… questions in the future. If you were asking about pizza, then the answers red, I can’t stand bleeping white pizza.
Until next time, Showgirls and Gin, my friends, Showgirls and …BZT… Gin.
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