Wednesday - Apr 24, 2019

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Dickinson’s Dicey Discovery

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (Who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because, “typing … BZZT … is a dame’s job.”

Another friend of mine died recently. Of course, I am talking about Tom Bosley. Mr. Cunningham, as so many of his fans known him as. Tom-O and I were great friends until an unfortunate accident in 1979 …

Bosley was a great joker, like so many of his cast-mates on Happy Days. He loved to shock cast and crew. A lot of the Happy Days cast’s jokes revolved around role switching. Who can forget the classic footage of Henry Winkler making out with Marion Ross …? Good times. Good times indeed.

Well, one day, I talked Tom-O into a joke … After a couple of scotches between takes, I dared him to don a leather jacket and take the Fonz’s motorcycle for a drive. Of course, the drunken, novice bike rider crashed the bike almost immediately. I happened to be on set and was the first to help Tom-O after his wreck. Tom concussed himself, and his personality changed slightly. He became irascible and somehow blamed the accident on me! We fell out after that. It was a shame really.

Tom-O’s death and all these violent head injuries got me thinking about that story … As I said, good times; except for the injuries to Mr. C and all those players. I just spilled my martini … where’s that barmaid?

– Do I really have to write about this conference? What a load of dreck. Yeah – I know I wrote that last week, but until the quality of this conference increases, I’m going to gnash my non-existent choppers.

Remember when
Brett Favre sang “Pants on the Ground?” Does that qualify as irony now? Full disclosure (and I mean full disclosure) – I once “sexted” a photo of my … BZZT… piezo-paigowpoker to Angie Dickinson on a lark. Angie and I have had quite a comfortable relationship over the years and I knew she would think nothing of it. Trust me, that fine lady has seen it all. Just letting you know so the photos don’t surface on the back page of some tabloid and I start getting e-mails about how I’m no better than the gunslinger. To be clear: I wasn’t married at the time, and I didn’t think sending Dickinson a picture of myself would amount to more than a practical joke between two very consenting adults. Favre is a pervert.

The New York Giants solidify their hold on the title of best team in the NFC by beating the Dallas Cowboys. This thing (that’s what I call the NFC, a thing) is wide open, and I think we have to wait to December until someone separates themselves from the pack. That said, I like what I … BZZT… see out of the Giants’ defense, but I still don’t trust
Eli Manning. We’ll see how he does against teams that cover his receivers with competent coverage cornerbacks (or who decide to cover them at all).

Speaking of the Detroit Lions, they are acquitting themselves well recently. I bet
Mike Singletary wishes he still had
Shaun Hill around.

Donovan McNabb has found an easy chemistry with young wide receiver
Anthony Armstrong. Somewhere
Freddie Mitchell is reading this and spilling his Michelob Ultra into a pool of tears.

Jerry Jones says he has faith in Wade Phillips. One word, Jerry: why? Why is
Phillips still your coach? Because you’ve given up on this year I suppose? I guess Jones may as well keep Phillips on the payroll at this point.

One good thing about
Tony Romo getting hurt is that
Jon Kitna has some kind of chemistry with
Dez Bryant. The Cowboys may as well put
Roy Williams behind Bryant and get the rookie some seasoning.

Old crabapple
Dick Butkus is trashing the Chicago Bears. He is specifically attacking the offensive line, as he should, and as I have since the preseason. Even though he is correct, I normally don’t like these old grumpy men trashing their old teams. Unless you’re in the front office, leave critiquing to the robots.

AFC NOTES – I think the best team in the NFC – say, the Giants – would be a wild card team in the AFC. Don’t believe me? Just look at what the Indianapolis Colts and the Tennessee Titans have done to New York. Small sample sizes and all that, but neither of those games were very close. Something to keep in mind.

Tom Brady’s model hair makes him look like Kip Winger.  Just… BZZT … sayin’.

So how about that
Kenny Britt, huh? It happened three weeks after I explained that the Titans needed to open up their offense, and three quarters of futility pounding
Chris Johnson into a stacked defensive front against the Eagles. “Well, I suppose if you can’t cover one of our receivers we’ll throw the ball then.” This week, more inspired play calling from Tennessee featuring 30 runs for about 70 yards while the announcers slobber about how Johnson could break one at any time. Yes, well hopefully that happens before the game is over.

Note: As a Johnson fantasy owner, I wholly endorse the Titans’ offensive philosophy. As a football aficionado I want to reach into my TV and throttle
Jeff Fisher for turning the best running back in football into
Eddie George while the talking heads try to tell me that is a good thing. Well, it’s a good thing if you want Johnson’s career to be over in two years.

Someone explain to me exactly when
Austin Collie hurt his hand. Out indefinitely?  What … BZZT… did he do, stick his hand in a rock that contained an Arborian Wood Beast? (Ed. note: that’s a Flash Gordon reference.)  You are one of the top receivers in fantasy ball, Collie – do not participate in any duels to the death during the season. This is like the first rule of being a team player.

On the NFL Network they count down the top 100 players in NFL History, and
Ray Lewis was named the 18th best player this last Thursday. I watched the show, where they explained how classy Lewis is.
John Harbaugh said Lewis has the heart of a lion. I must say, that’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard said about a man who purposely impeded a double murder investigation, including concealing evidence and lying to police. But that’s just me.

I can’t wait to see what they say about Top 10 player
Lawrence Taylor. “He was a great football player that absolutely terrorized opposing quarterbacks, and who also once paid a 16-year-old to have sex with him at a Holiday Inn. Allegedly, of course.”

Anyone else notice that
Dwayne Bowe is quietly on pace for double-digit touchdowns after I’ve been pimping him for about 10 years?  If he breaks through this season (be careful, only 18 receptions so far) then I’m totally taking credit.

So long for now, and remember, “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT … gin.”

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