Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
Ahhh, week 2 of the NFL season has come and gone. Soon your lineups will be rounding into shape, and of course for those of you who drafted Daunte Culpepper, well, thanks for …BZZZT… donating. In a standard 14-week fantasy schedule, starting out 0-2 is a big hole to be in – almost as big as Ted Washington’s belly button. Fear not, my good friends, I’m here to help. Once again, the BetBot is here to rescue your season with deeper sleeper candidates. Yes, you’ll be enjoying the mellow advice from my soothing, synthesized dulcet tones while everyone else in your league will be busy listening to the shrill sound of Sean Salisbury “fighting” John Clayton. Hey boys – think you could fit some analysis in there on Piper’s Pit? No? Well it can’t hurt to …BZT… ask. What a pair of tools. And to think John Clayton used to be a respectable sports journalist.
Trent Dilfer – CLE – If you remember only one thing from last week’s article, you must remember that it’s never too soon to replace a high draft pick, at least for a few games. Riding the hot hand is what fantasy football is all about. It’s also what mechanical bull riding is all about. Did you know that you can rent mechanical bulls? It’s true! I’ve had some experience riding a mechanical bull, and let me tell you it’s not easy. People, there is absolutely nowhere to safely put a martini on a mechanical bull! I’m sorry, but if I’m going to spend any amount of time grinding my crotch metal on metal I need a drink in my hand. Relying on Trent Dilfer for anything is likely to also leave you asking for a stiff …BZZZZT… drink, but he’s been throwing the ball a ton so it’s OK to slum it a little here. Almost 600 yards and 4 TDs so far and this week the Colts come to town, so Trent will be airing it out once again. This is a one-week deal only, though – after a week 4 bye Chicago and Baltimore loom on the horizon.
Drew Bledsoe – DAL – Over the summer I attended a bachelor party for my dear friend Lonestar, a Cray T3e supercomputer at the University of Texas. Lonestar used to be the fastest computer in Texas but 24 gigaflops just doesn’t get the job done like it did in 1996. What’s worse, UT installed a Cray/Dell cluster that pounds out 3 teraflops and gave it the Lonestar name. Anyway, Lonestar decided it was time to settle down with his girlfriend, a nice young PowerMac G5 – so of course we threw him a huge bash down in Austin. What does any of this have to do with Drew Bledsoe? Nothing, except we’re in Texas. Here’s what you need to know about Bledsoe – 200+ yards in each game, 4 total TDs, no INTs. Also, his next two games are against the Niners and the Raiders. This is the perfect opportunity for you to experiment with a QB for a week or two while you figure out if a “stud” like Culpepper really is going to suck …BZZT… out loud all season long.
Chris Perry – CIN – The Bengals always have some fun backup running backs to tout. Corey Dillon was lurking way back in the Ki-Jana Carter days, then Dillon got a taste of his own medicine when Rudi Johnson pushed him out of the way. Now here’s Chris Perry quietly getting involved in the running and passing game (9 catches). Sure, a lot of the running has come in …BZT… garbage time, but upcoming games against Houston, Tennessee, and Green Bay will likely have plenty of opportunity for more garbage time. Plus, if Rudi happens to go down to a freak injury…well let’s just say that according to my sources, Perry was recently seen leaving banana peels in front of Johnson’s locker.
Frank Gore – SF – Not to be confused with the inventor of the Internet, this Gore comes from a long line of successful RBs at the University of Miami. Gore‘s problem has always been his varied injuries, but sometimes that just means a back has got less mileage on the tires when he gets to the pros. Currently backing up the 2004 Grand Balloon Knot winner Kevan Barlow, which pretty much guarantees that …BZZZT… Gore will get a shot at some playing time. Late in the season San Francisco will be out of it and have nothing to lose by giving Gore a chance to prove something for next year. Think Corey Dillon in 1997.
Mike Williams – DET – So why am I telling you about a guy with 5 total targets this year? Why am I telling you about a guy on team….BZZZZT… that has a chronic underachiever at QB? Why am I telling you about a rookie WR? Why am I telling you about the third WR on a offensively unimpressive team? Because of Charles Rogers, that’s why. Waiting on a season ending Charles Rogers injury is kinda like waiting on Ol’ Blue Eyes scoring with the leggy dame you see in the lounge after the show…BZZZT…It’ll happen – sooner rather than later. Mike Williams may not be fast, but he can get open in a pro style offense (he showed that at USC, I don’t know that they have a pro style offense in Detroit yet) and has super hands. Yes, he may not be a huge producer from the third WR…BZT… position in Detroit, but he’ll get the odd TD, because of his size. But just wait for it, soon he’ll be a starter.
Arnaz Battle – SF – Get this guy now! He is most likely available in your league, and under the radar…Not for long. Look, somehow the Niners beat the Rams week 1. I admit, I picked the game, but even amazed myself when I saw the final score. I’m good, I’m that damn good. You know as well as I that the formula for a good WR can be a variable thing. While Battle is missing …BZZZT… a couple of the components (namely a solid QB), he’s got a couple other variables going for him. He’s got a capable battery-mate in Lloyd, and a horrid defense. The Niners will be behind early and often, and they’ll be…BZZZZT…. chucking the ball long a lot. As long as Barlow is the RB, I don’t see a lot of balls going to that position – and Eric Johnson has turned back into a pumpkin (he’s out for 2005). He’s been targeted 6 times in both games this season, rushed the ball and passed a couple times for good measure. This guy can do it all, kinda like Sammy Davis Jr., grab Battle, and thank your personal Candy Man …er…Bot.
Dallas Clark – IND – For some reason people are always forgetting about Clark, probably because he’s more fragile than a …BZZT… box of Christmas tree ornaments. He may have found his way onto your waiver wire after being inactive in week 1 and only snagging 1 ball in week 2. However, a quick look at the Colts’ upcoming schedule shows CLE, TEN, and SF. This, my friends, is a fantasy friendly situation. In case you already have him on your roster, consider this a friendly BetBot reminder to plug him in this week and prepare for an explosion.
Neil Rackers – ARI – This guy sounds like an angry accountant from some Monty Python sketch. I used the Ron Mexico name generator to come up with an alternate name for Mr. Rackers, “Pedro Reunion”. Now I’m not suggesting an immediate name change, however, should Neil wish to gain a little more traction down at the Kit Kat Klub on ladies’ night, I suggest he get some business cards made up under his new pseudonym. If you’ve got an Akers problem on your …BZT… hands, give Neil a try this week – the Cardinals offense isn’t going to blow anyone out, but they have a decent defense and enough weapons on O to get close enough for some FG attempts. Rackers is 6-6 this season and draws SEA and SF the next two weeks, so it’s not like he’ll be getting shut out or anything. What do you have to lose except pride (which is way overrated anyway)?
New York Giants – Is the Giants success a mirage? Yes. The Giants…BZT… do have a solid defense however, with capable CBs and an attack style line that can disrupt most teams. Look, the G-Men won’t keep up this pace, as a matter of fact, they get their first loss this week, but it won’t be because of their defense. Yes, the Giants have only played the Cardinals…BZZT… and the road-weary Saints, but so far they have 5 INTs, 7 sacks and 3 fumble recoveries. Add to that a kick return and punt return…I’d like more of that Mommy!!! They won’t do…BZT… well every week, but play them against any NFC East team not near the Schuykill River and most of the rest of the Nancies on their weak…BZZT… schedule and watch the points roll in.
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org .
So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT Gin.