Draft day is approaching and while there may be an unequivocal sense of excitement, right along with that feeling is the realization that ‘That Guy’ is going to be there. We all know him. We all despise him. He is annoying. He has a big mouth. He does not shut up. He comments on everything. He thinks he is hilarious – he is not. And the list goes on. Who am I talking about? Me? How’d you guess!
Let me preface this by saying it’s not really me – it’s just a character I play every draft. I’m sure, come draft night, there will be one of me at your draft too. You’ll try to remember how he ever became part of your league. Was he one of the original 12 or not? No, that’s right, Tom dropped out and Ed recommended him. By the way, what ever happened to Ed? You only see this guy once a year and once is one time too many. I can tell you this for sure – it’s not easy being me.
Why you ask? Anyone who’s ever taken part in a draft knows what it’s like. When I say draft, I mean 12 guys sitting down mano a mano and making picks. None of this electronic drafting where you submit your picks ahead of time and the computer takes the highest ranked player. You’re pouring over all your cheat sheets, the latest injury reports, depth charts, bye weeks, projections and you can’t concentrate because I’m still talking. The endless chatter is slowly grating on your nerves. At this point, nobody is laughing and the draft has become, shall we say, tense. What started out as an escape from your job, your wife, your responsibilities or all of the above has now turned into a volatile situation that could erupt at any given moment. No, it’s not easy being me, but to be crowned Super Bowl Champion makes it all worthwhile.
How can you pull this off too? It’s quite simple really. The first step is to have a partner in crime. Bring a buddy to the draft that will do all the research you should be doing. While you grate on everyone’s nerves, he diligently reviews the game plan laid out in your previous day’s meeting. Second, after you pick, make sure to inform the owners who else you were considering. Chances are your second choice won’t be available when it’s your turn to pick again, so why not screw the owner further down who’s praying that player will stay unnoticed and slide all the way to him. And finally, every pick that another owner makes requires a response. Any of the following will do:
§ Strange, he wasn’t on my list.
§ Too bad you can’t draft an offensive line to go with that RB.
§ Oh, is he still playing?
§ What year is that cheat sheet from?
§ Past performance does not guarantee future results.
§ Isn’t he in detox?
§ Dude, you better stop (or start) drinking.
§ You’re in my division this year. I play you twice right? Excellent!
§ Nope, not on page 2 either. Let me check page 3.
§ What position does he play?
§ That reminds me, where’s your crapper?
§ I guess I am not the drunkest one at the draft, am I?
§ Ouch, you might as well have taken a defense.
§ Is he starting somewhere?
§ Did that guy leave college? Isn’t he a senior?
§ Isn’t he in Barcelona in the World League?
§ He couldn’t make an XFL team.
§ Wow, I thought they already cut him.
§ You already paid your league dues right?
§ I didn’t have him going until much, much later.
§ That is clearly the worst pick of the night…but hey, it works for you.
While the majority of these wisecracks will make the other owners laugh, the intended target will not find the humor. He may begin to question his picks and possibly even his draft strategy. You want to cast as much doubt into the other owners’ minds as possible. Anything to take them off their game plan.
Before you know it, the draft will be unfolding exactly as you had intended. You’ll get the players you wanted in the round you wanted and you’ll be the only one left standing after week 17! You don’t make friends that way – but you’re not in it for the friendship now are you? Besides, why do you think they call us Sharks?!