Saturday - Jan 16, 2021

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Eight Pounds To Weigh On You

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well cultured take on the NFL.The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing.. .BZZT… is a dame’s job”.

Here’s a waiver wire tip: Benglas WR
Jerome Simpson
had a career high 146 receiving yards against the Broncos last week.  Upside going forward: WORTH A LOOK.

Here’s a news wire tip: Police seized 8 pounds of marijuana from the home of Bengals WR
Jerome Simpson

this week.  Availability going forward: QUESTIONABLE.

Am I the only one here who thinks it’s absurd for an active NFL player to have a side business distributing marijuana?  The NFLPA did not get enough in that new labor deal – these guys are obviously struggling to make ends meet!  Another thing I liked about that Simpson story – there was a backup lineman named
Anthony Collins
involved.  There is always a backup player involved when an NFL player gets in trouble.  Always!  The bottom of an NFL roster is an endless source of hangers-on:

“Hey, man – you wanna go hang with these strippers and check out my new handgun?”  

“Naw, man we got a game on Sunday.”

“Yeah, well I’m not playing anyway – come on and keep me company with these hookers and handguns.  Plus, I need some help holding a finger on these dime bags while I tape them up.”  

“I guess that sounds like a good idea.”

No it does not.


What to think of the Bears? They destroyed a Falcons team many (including self-proclaimed Mayor of the NFL,Peter King) were predicting for the Super Bowl. They faltered against a superior Saints team away. The answer is – no. They are not this good. The Falcons defense looked a step slow on the questionable turf of Soldier Field. The Falcons are a different team away from home. The Bears impressed, but I need to see another couple of weeks like that against other teams. We saw what they did in New Orleans, they will be competitive – but that’s it.

While we’re talking about the Falcons, did you check out their Defensive Coordinator, Brian Van Gorder? I like to call him
. What is up with the late 80’s porn star look? He looks like
Jeff George’s
even smarmier cousin. They kept showing him during the game Sunday night against the Eagles, and I thought NBC was cutting out and the Spice Channel was reaching out from the past into my TV. Crazy…

Are the Packers that good? Yes. Their defense scares me a bit, but I think defenses will catch up a bit in the upcoming weeks.

And the Saints? They will win the NFC South, but it could get ugly. Teams will be able to attack the soft underbelly of the defense, but not keep up with
Drew Brees
and his gaggle of receivers. By the way – this isn’t a fantasy column, but please kids, don’t fall for the
Devery Henderson
shamboo. He does this every year, he has a monster game or two early ; and then disappears except for a couple more teases here and there. I haven’t seen a bigger tease since my blind date with
Bernadette Peters
in 1982.

Gosh, that woman drove me crazy. Now that is a woman whose pure, intense sexuality drove me bleeping crazy. My good pal
Steve Martin
set us up, we went out to Gallagher’s Steak House, where I plied her with perfectly concocted martinis, good conversation and sweet, pink …BZZT…filet mignon. Afterwards, onto Studio 54; we didn’t stay long,
was drunk and all over me. Lastly, back to my comped penthouse suite at the Four Seasons hotel. I was primed for an intense Session of Sweet, unfortunately – it wasn’t to be. Bernadette begged off. When I ran into her at Heathrow a couple years later, she told me her attraction for me was equally as intense, but she wanted me for herself…and it wasn’t going to work. She had Broadway, and I had the Las Vegas Strip. I still want that woman. Bernadette, look me up next time you’re in Vegas. You’re getting older, and I’m not.

Are the Redskins that good? Of course not. The Giants linebackers and secondary are decimated. It’s a shame, but the reality of the situation. It will be a long hard year for Giants fans.
Eli Manning
isn’t good enough to get the Giants to 8 wins, no matter what Madison Avenue and Oreo Double Stuff keeps telling us. By the way, what kind of inferiority complex does Samsung Electronics have? Getting Eli Manning to be your spokesman? To counter Sony’s
Peyton Manning
? Sad…just sad, Samsung. We’ll see what the Redskins are after a couple road games.

Steve Smith’s
new best friend is
Cam Newton
. Steve’s happy that Cam was upset because the Panthers lost. That’s great, but Steve won’t be very happy if Cam can’t turn his frown upside down and start winning. That frustration needs to be converted into wins.

– I can start discussing the AFC as soon as we can all agree that getting
Chris Johnson
under a mega-deal was key for the Titans.  His 77 rushing yards through two games may not seem elite, but his 2.3 yards per carry is … BZT … wait, what?  You know that guy in your league that was all cocky about getting CJ in the late first round on account of his holdout? Genius.

Some sap in your league is still starting
Eli Manning
over surprising Top 5 QB
Ryan Fitzpatrick
.  Sure, it doesn’t take much to light up the Chiefs and Raiders, but still – you know this week against the Patriots is going to be a shootout for the Fitz.  Many a fantasy leagues has been won with a QB that plays in front of a terrible defense.

Speaking of the Chiefs…actually, do we have to?  Too bad
Jamaal Charles
is done for the year, though.  I guess
Todd Haley
’s decision to bury him behind
Thomas Jones
last year was grounded in solid logic that Charles might get hurt if overworked.  Either that or Haley’s in way over his head.  Your choice.

On account of the Charles injury, I would normally recommend picking up Jones.  Except: 1) He’s still Thomas Jones and 2) He still plays for the Chiefs.  PASS.

Keep an eye on
Jason Campbell
, who is slinging the ball all over the field and also quietly rushed for 2 scores so far.  You cannot put a price on QB rushing TDs.  You know – he does get to play the Chiefs twice.

To those of you who overreacted over
Peyton Manning
’s neck injury, claiming that the Colts would be terrible without Manning under center: I think it’s clear you did not overreact enough.  What a mess.  We should know better than to trust a front office whose backup QB plan was “Well, if the starter gets hurt we’ll just sign
Kerry Collins
.  He’s sure to be available, right?”

Nobody is loving the Colts demise more than the Houston Texans.  Well, not
Arian Foster
.  He’s not doing diddly.  I mean, other than coming back too early from his hamstring injury so it doesn’t quite heal.  He’s doing that very well.  In business school they call that his “core competency.”  Hopefully if you own Foster you also picked
Ben Tate

Miami Dolphins, still bad news.  Their point differential is already at a crisp minus 24.  
Tony Sparano
is bleepin’ toast if they can’t beat the Browns this week.  I just hope he’s wearing some killer shades when they take him down.

As you know, I am not a huge
Jack Del Rio
fan.  But this move to play
Blaine Gabbert
is inspired.  Almost as inspired as his decision to wear a Jaguars-branded leather jacket in the playoffs several years ago.  The Jaguars are going nowhere this year and fast.  Find out what you have in Gabbert while nobody is coming to the stadium anyway.  Less pressure.

So long for now, and remember “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and …BZT…gin.”

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