Wednesday - May 22, 2019

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Fight On State!

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life. 

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.

The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”

QB

Mark Brunell – WAS – Now going out and grabbing Mark Brunnell is about as palatable as wine from a box – sure it gets the job done in a pinch, but you sure as heck aren’t going to confuse it for a … BZZT… 1787 Chateau Lafite Bordeaux.  Now I wouldn’t advocate starting Ol’ Brunney this week against an inspired Denver D playing in the thin air at Mile High Stadium, but he has some juicy opponents in the next few weeks like Kansas City (29th against the pass), the New Jersey Giants (31st against the pass), San Fran (32nd – dead last – against the pass), and then again at the Giants in week 8.  If opponents like that aren’t recipes for success, I don’t know …BZZT… what is!  Look, Brunnell is old, he has little mobility, and it probably took every bit of strength he had in his entire body to throw those 2 deep bombs to Santana Moss against the Cowboys to win the game – but that doesn’t mean he’s got no value as a spot player.  Pick up Brunnell now, stash him on your bench this week, but then spot start him over the next 4 games.  And after that, with his numbers nicely padded, see what sucker you can pawn him off on.  And getting away with fantasy larceny like THAT leaves one heck of taste in my mouth.

RB

Kevin Jones – DET – Not a …BZZT… deeper sleeper but currently playing like waiver wire fodder. The return of Cory Schlesinger will make a big difference, plus they have a fantasy playoff game against NO which you know I love. I hope you aren’t in some lame fantasy league where a player like KJ is available on waivers but you can still target him in trade talks. What he really needs to do to get his career back on track is make nice with my dear friend Joe Paterno. Did you know Kevin Jones nearly went to Penn State? It’s true – Jones was the best recruit in the country coming out of Cardinal O’ Hara high school near Philadelphia. Jones even wore a Penn State jersey to the …BZZT… press conference he called to declare his intentions for college. But instead of declaring for PSU Jones ripped off his shirt (really) to display a Virginia Tech shirt underneath. This may have been the most ridiculously stupid stunt in his life – taunting Joe Paterno is like stabbing your future in the back. Of course his Hokie career stalled out behind Lee Suggs in the “between Vicks” era of mediocrity (hello, San Francisco bowl!) and now he’s stuck on the Detroit Lions, who are aggressively taking the mantle from Cincy as the NFL’s least respectable franchise. The GM for the Lions? Former Nittany Lion linebacker Matt Millen. It could just be …BZZT… coincidence or it could be Joe Paterno striking out vindictively against Jones and leaving the entire Detroit Lions franchise in his wake. I repeat – do not mess with Joe Paterno.

Alvin Pearman – JAX – Fred Taylor has been unusually healthy lately, but I’m getting a BetBot hunch that he’s going down soon. Wasn’t it only a few months ago that rumors from Jacksonville whispered Taylor would be …BZZT… out for the season? Alvin Pearman has been getting a ton of looks from Jack Del Rio as Taylor’s backup, and it certainly seems like Pearman would get the first shot at the job over LaBrandon Toefield if Taylor goes down. Pearman does seem to have a fumbling problem (2 already this year) but that used to be the knock about another Virginia running back, Tiki Barber. I’m not saying that Pearman is the next Tiki, but finding even 50% of Tiki on the waiver wire is good enough for me. Yes, I realize that 50% of Tiki Barber is smaller than most 4th graders. Tiki, I keeeed.

WR

Antonio Chatman – GB – Brett Favre still loves airing it out, and BetBot favorite Terrence Murphy just went down with a possible season-ender to his neck. Donald Driver and Robert Ferguson still aren’t impressing, their…BZZT… numbers look good because Favre keeps shot-gunning balls and someone has to catch them. The Green Bay defense is awful, just plain awful. You know it, I know it and Brett Favre sure as bleep knows it. They will have to pass, pass, pass for the rest of the season. Chatman has a TD in each of the last two weeks, that’s nice. What’s better? He’s been targeted at least 4 times in 3 or the 4 games so far, with 5 targets last week. Big deal you say? Well last game he was targeted 5 times, one…BZT… more than supposed #2 WR Ferguson. You know the drill – got some room? Pick him up as a longer term investment, but maybe play him this week against a sorry, sorry Saints defense in Lambeau. And what’s next on the horizon? An even sorrier team in the Vikings, in larger leagues, this guy may be a nice little short term gem also.

Joe Jurevicius and Peter Warrick – SEA –I’m gonna talk about two players here because that’s how I roll sometimes. Do I like Peter Warrick’s hands and route running ability? No. Do I like Joe J’s speed? No. There is one think I love when chatting about…BZZZT… fantasy football, and that’s opportunity, and both these guys get opportunity this week. Bobby Engram and Darrell Jackson are both banged up and doubtful for this week, look for Joe Jurievicius to be the go to guy , with Warrick flying down the…BZT… sidelines against a very suspect Rams team that got eaten alive against the Giants. These are a pair of receivers who could have some nice immediate impact with three passing defenses that have shown me nothing this season – Rams, Texans and the pass befuddled…BZZT… Cowboys. Yum.

TE

Erron Kinney – TEN – The Oilers …BZZT… I mean Tuxedos …BZZT…*CLICK*… I mean Titans aren’t going to fool anyone into thinking that they are a dangerous offense anytime soon.  And Kinney is a TE that splits time with another guy, Ben Troupe.  So why the heck am I advocating picking up what appears to be fantasy flotsam (or …BZZT… jetsam – I always get those two mixed up)?  Well, let’s look at the last couple games for Kinney – 7 receptions for 64 yards against the Rams (arguably weak) passing defense and 7 receptions for 42 yards against a middle-of-the-road Indy pass defense.  While those numbers won’t launch this guy into fantasy stud-dom any time soon, they do show that he’s becoming a favored target of Steve McNair.  He doesn’t face the easiest pass defenses over the next few weeks, and while that will hurt his numbers slightly (think 5 catches a game), at this point in the season getting a TE that is getting 7-10 looks a game is pretty darn good – even if it is Erron Kinney.

 

K

John Carney – NO – First I told you about Neil Rackers, then I told you about Jay Feely. Finding sleepers: difficult for humans, easy for BetBots. Look, I’m not fooling around here, people – you can blow off the kicker section all you want but the difference between Rackers and the chum in your …BZZT… league is significant, especially if you’ve been hit by the injury bug a la David Akers. Carney doesn’t get to kick half his games in the Superdome this year but he’s still been pretty valuable because the Saints’ offense is so erratic. In fact, the AGA recently determined that the primary cause of spastic colon is not poor diet, but the QB play of Aaron Brooks. With GB and STL on the schedule for 2 of the next 3 weeks Carney will have plenty of opportunities to bail out his team and relax the insides of football fans everywhere.

D/ST

Tennessee Titans – Forget the egg they laid against a tough Indy offense, they pulled down 10 sacks over the previous 2 weeks. This week they head to Houston for a ride on the David Carr Sack Machine™. There’s nothing sweeter than the …BZZT… sack-fumble-TD return. Also, starting the Titans defense might give Houston area readers a reason to watch this game, which figures to be cover-your-eyes awful despite the lame attempts by the NFL to pump it up as an “Oilers returning home” grudge match. Look, garbage doesn’t hate other garbage; it just lies around and stinks up the joint. Dictating that reminds me of the “garbage eating garbage” line from Superman II. I truly do love the classics, especially when Christopher Reeve is involved. Reeve died one year ago this weekend, RIP brother.  He was a good man, a good bleeping man.

Tecmo Super Bowl Tip of the Week

Chris Berman is a TSB fan – You know how Berman always picks Bills vs. Niners in his pre-season Super Bowl picks despite the fact that neither of those teams has been a SB contender in like …BZZT… 10 years? It’s because of how dominant Buffalo and San Francisco are in TSB. Seriously, playing with either of these teams is just unfair – they are head and shoulders above every other team in the game. My theory is that Berman played so much TSB backstage in Bristol that it’s been burned into his memory that the Bills and the 49ers are the best teams in the league.

Feedback Loop

Dear Betbot,

You’re awesome dude! Tell me, did you ever go to college – or were you programmed with everything you need to know?

Carl J.

Nashville, TN

Dear Carl,

First off, thank you for the kind words. As…BZT… a wise man once said, “Always thank the audience when they send the love back your way.” That man? Mr. Neil Diamond. I’ll tell you a couple things about Neil you …BZZT… may not know.

One, he was a ladies man of the highest magnitude. You don’t write the way that man writes without having lived life to it’s fullest. You don’t write the way that man writes without the utmost love of all. You don’t write…BZZZZT… the way that man writes without numerous sessions of sweet in many, many natural and un-natural settings.

Two, that man is a good man, a good bleeping man. He understands and appreciates the karma transfer (as he called it) between a performer and an audience. If you make someone else feel good, you’ll get some cosmic goodies back. I’m Catholic, but I understand the whole…BZZT… karma thing, I truly do; dig? Remember this from Yours Truly: do unto others, baby; do unto others.

But I digress. The answer to your question is: yes. I was programmed with everything I need for my…BZT…BZT… wagering, line setting functionality – but I did go to college. I spent 3 semesters at Penn State. I graduated in 2 semesters. I accessed and collated all data I needed to graduate in roughly 3 minutes, but the administration at Penn State wouldn’t let…BZZT… me take more than 81 credits per semester, so I had to stay for 2 semesters, but loved it so much, I decided to go for a minor in Art History in a third and final semester.

I joined a fraternity, and spent a year as the treasurer for the Zetes (pronounced ‘Zates’). That crew knew how to party, for sure, and the house had a pool, which was very good to drink by. My nickname was ‘Sexington’ . I earned it.

I felt I needed to expand, and…BZZT… I learned a lot. I learned that a case of green glass Rolling Rock will not support my weight if I stand on it at the Skeller. I learned that nothing’s better to chase away a chilly night than some mulled, spiced sweet wine and a willing co-ed. I also learned that statistics are not everything in football, I learned this from the Dean of College Football and my good friend, Joe Paterno.

I met JoePa walking back from one of the sororities on campus (I was walking from there, not him), I introduced…BZZT… myself, he recognized me from the Christmas Specials I did with the Rat Pack – and we began talking about the game we both love. Yes, we both love football, but…BZZZT… we love it in many different ways. JoePa loves the teamwork, character building and tactics of a game of men. JoePa loves it in the way you love a good faithful, trusting dog – it’s a good love. I love football for the statistics, data permutations, and hidden gotchas of the science of football. I love it in the…BZZT… way you love a woman in the back of a 63 Cadillac – it’s a quick, expensive love.

Anyway, I’m still friends with JoePa…And no, I don’t know…BZZT… what he’s doing with the team, it frustrates me to watch talent wasted. I don’t give him advice, because he doesn’t listen and I’m not sure his hearing is good anyway. I just hope he keeps riding…BZT… his posse of freshman WRs till the cows come home. He has a big game this week against Ohio State, look for me on the sidelines, I’ll be near the Dance Team, living up to my fraternity nickname.

Until next time, remember – Showgirls and Gin, my friends…Showgirls and Gin.

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