Wednesday - Apr 24, 2019

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Has anyone here seen Kelly?

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life. 

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.

The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”

QB

Bryan Kelly Holcomb – BUF – First off, you didn’t know his first name was really Bryan did you? It’s ok, you can admit it – it just shows you that I know my …BZZT… Kellys. Speaking of Kellys, Kelly Holcomb isn’t going to make anyone forget about Jim Kelly – but hopefully he can erase the abysmal memories of J.P Losman this season. He already showed it last game, and he’ll continue to do so. Look, at this point starting QBs in your league aren’t going to be dropping off the waiver wire like fruit on a hot summer day. But Holcomb is a serviceable veteran who is going to make some plays and keep the Bills winning games. Will he do it with great fantasy numbers though? Well, maybe not great – but solid enough to pick up this guy. I’d expect him to average slightly above 1 TD a game and about 175-195 yards a game. Now that isn’t a performance I’d call great fantasy wise, but he’ll get you more points than a bunch of people’s backups at this point – namely David Carr, Vinnie Testaverde, Joey Harrington, …BZZT… any Ravens QB… well, you get the picture. If you are in the market for a better backup QB, you can do a lot worse than a 9 year vet on a strong team.

RB

Patrick Pass – NE – Yes, yes, let’s make some jokes about how he’s an interesting free agent but his situation means we’ll “take a pass” on him. A ha ha ha ha! A ha ha ha …BZZZT… ha! Seriously, am I the only robot on the internet with the goods? I mean, ignoring the fact that I AM the only robot with a fantasy football column, two weeks ago I spotted you Najeh Davenport at RB, and last week I tell you to grab Alvin Pearman. Voila! Fred Taylor …BZZT… turns an ankle on Sunday night. It’s a gift – really – I’m good at this. So here’s the deal – Kevin Faulk is hurt and probably going to miss significant time, and Corey Dillon is nicked up too. That means Pass will be available for more touches than usual, and considering his 8-catch game 2 weeks ago and his TD last week, I’m thinking he’s ready to earn a spot on your roster. I have to believe Belichick will go to another option if Dillon goes down but Pass could get the call in a pinch. Lots of people are panicking because of injuries and/or bye weeks, now is the time to relax and trust machines smarter than you. Go ahead, quit scouring the net for tidbits of news and grab a Martini – I’ve got your lineup covered.

Tyson Thompson – DAL – A …BZZT… tough call here on the backup in Dallas. First, nobody knows if Julius Jones is going to play on his bum ankle. We do know that high ankle sprains tend to linger, giving JJ the week off would be the best move for the Cowboys season. Second, Anthony Thomas lingers like the odor from yesterday’s bologna sandwich. Thomas had a “meeting” with Bill Parcells, which is like having a meeting with your parole officer. Sure, you may make some progress, but the fact that you had the meeting at all means you screwed up pretty good. Thompson is Parcells’ kind of guy, and he was the main ball carrier last week while Jones nursed his ankle on the sidelines during the second half of the Eagles game. I’m guessing Jones will play this weekend, but if he aggravates the ankle further, look for a little Tyson in week 7 against Seattle.

WR

David Patten – WAS – Maybe it was the thin air in Denver, or maybe it was the fact that they were playing the Broncos questionable secondary – whatever – the Redskins got some yards through the air last week. Heck, Mark Brunell passed for over 300 yards. What stood…BZT… out to me was Patten’s role in the offense. You’re probably expecting some reference to Gen. George Patton well, you’re going to get it. I never met the man, but I dig his style; Gen. Patton is to Generals as Aaron…BZZT… Burr is to Vice Presidents. Chris Cooley was one of the main recipients of Brunell’s generosity, but Patten did quite well for himself too. Patten had 7 receptions for 63 yards, not outrageous numbers, but considering the fact that Patten is probably available in your league, he’s someone to look at. Patten was targeted 11 times last week, and really has no competition nipping…BZT… at his heels for the #2 WR spot in DC. We’re in the midst of bye-week season in the NFL, with patsies like KC and San Fran right around the corner, Patten is a guy to start if you’re in a pinch.

Michael Jenkins – ATL – Jenkins may be a good start this week. Or, Michael Jenkins may be a horrible start this week, it all depends on Mike Vick’s ability to play. If Vick plays, don’t start…BZZZZ…BZT… Jenkins, If Matt Schaub plays, and you have a need for a #3 WR then take a flier on Jenkins. Take a look at the numbers for Jenkins last week, they are quite startling when compared with Vick’s starts. Now, don’t get me wrong, he didn’t produce a lot fantasy-wise, but he had his chances. Jenkins had 55 yards on 3 catches, but was targeted 10 times last week, compared…BZZZT… to 16 times for the first 4 weeks combined. I don’t like the fact that he missed so many last week, but I do like the fact that Schaub kept going to him all game. Atlanta play New Orleans this week, if Mr. Mexico isn’t playing Jenkins may be a gamble worth taking.

TE

Aaron Shea – CLE – There’s been a lot of famous Aaron’s throughout history. There’s Aaron, the brother of Moses. Hammerin’ Hank Aaron, who is a close friend of mine, a helluva baseball player, and a good man – a good bleeping man. Aaron Burr is my personal favorite …BZZT… Vice President of all time. Yes, Burr killed Alexander Hamilton, but he was a tough SOB who took no crap. Aaron Burr is to Vice Presidents as Steve McQueen is to actors. Anyway, Shea now is the man at TE for the Browns again, he was injured for the first part of the season, but is now back in the saddle, taking the reins from Steve Heiden. Heiden did an OK job in relief, but you…BZT… can feel comfortable with Shea as your TE. Last week, in his first week back, he was targeted 7 times and caught 6 balls for 65 yards. He didn’t find the end zone, but I think he will soon. Heiden may break your heart once or twice by…BZZZZT… catching a TD that should be Shea’s but I really like Aaron’s chances for success going forward.

K

Rob Bironas – TEN – Hello! Where did this guy come from? Totally off the …BZZT… radar two months ago, this jamoke claimed the Titans kicking job and has scored 8 FG and 11 XP so far this season. The Titans have CIN, ARI, and OAK on the schedule, and it’s not like any of those teams have dominating defenses. Bironas is in a great position – the Titans are pretty bad on offense but Steve McNair is still a good QB, so they can move the ball. Without a ton of help on offense, though, they stall out like a …BZZT… Ford Pinto just after crossing midfield. That’s not good for Titans fans but very good for the Tennessee kicker. I’m not too happy about that Pinto simile – I wouldn’t say the Ford Pinto was unreliable as much as it was combustible – a different problem altogether. Yes, the same people that skimped on safety measures for the Pinto now own the Detroit Lions.

 

D/ST

NOT Houston Texans – I didn’t really have a good D/ST to hook up with this week so I thought I might have some fun at Houston’s expense. Yes, this may be a bit of kicking a team when they’re down, but it’s week 6 in the season and this unit has a total of 3 sacks and one fumble recovery. They don’t even have an interception yet. It looks like the …BZZT… Dom Capers era is just about over, and this shouldn’t really surprise anyone after what he did to Carolina. But still, football has its cronyism problem just like every other industry. Guys like Capers and Dave Wannstadt will continue to get coaching jobs even though they’ve never shown the ability to identify and retain talented players. Yeah, I’m on a soapbox, but so what? That joke of a franchise is ruining talented fantasy potential all over the offensive side of the ball, and they don’t even have a decent defense to show for it. How is it that Joey Harrington takes more heat than a fireman but David Carr is still getting a free ride? Carr was the #1 pick ahead of Joey and Carr’s shown absolutely nothing to this point. I’m sorry for venting, I think I’m still just a little upset over …BZZT… Nipsey Russell’s passing two weeks ago. Here’s a man who gave his heart and soul to making others happy – a man who took his job as celebrity game show contestant seriously. You may not know that I was a good friend of Nipsey’s in the early ‘70s – we met backstage on the set of Dino’s variety show and spent many a night drinking and writing poetry together. He was a good man. A good bleeping man. Rest in peace Nipsey. As for you, Houston, get your acts together and show up for once. Would it kill you to earn a paycheck?

Tecmo Super Bowl Tip of the Week

The Weapon – Can you guess the only WR in TSB that still plays in the NFL? Now that Jerry Rice has checked out the only active WR in TSB is none other than Ricky “Weapon” Proehl. Remember that the Cardinals were still the Phoenix Cardinals back in Tecmo days – who would have thought the Weapon would …BZZT… go on to last this long? Tecmo players, that’s who. Before Proehl carved out his niche as the “frisky slot guy who’s always in the right place at the right time” he was the man on the Cardinals in TSB. It’s no surprise that Proehl has been to three super bowls following his stellar career as the most reliable player on Phoenix’s TSB squad. Of course he had to leave the desert to reach his full potential, but in 1992 we could have seen this coming.

Feedback Loop

Hey Betbot,

You always talk about makin’ it with chicks and stuff, but you’re a f#####[freakin’] robot!! What a load of c###[garbage], man. A hot chick would never go for a tin can like you, and even if she did, you probably couldn’t n### her [complete the deal]. I’m calling you out Betbot – you are full of c###[garbage] and you know it!

D.J.

Webster Springs, WV

 

Dear D.J.,

Let me start by saying that is some pretty tough talk from a guy who …BZZT… still likes to be called by his initials, instead of his name. How old are you, about five? Well, “hears ware I’m gonna haf ta learn ya”. (Sorry, just trying my best to speak your dialect, D.J.)

First off D.J., I’m sure you could regale all of us with stories of your lascivious exploits in the bustling metropolis that is …BZZT… Webster Springs. But since you aren’t talking to us all live, I’ll have to extrapolate some data in order to imagine your lusty conquests.

According to my databanks, Webster Springs has a population of about 674, which should equate to roughly 344 women. If we subtract 3 (guessing at an average number of women in your family) that leaves us with 341 women. If we subtract another 6 (for female 1st cousins), that gives you a base of 335 potential mating partners. Remembering that this is West Virginia, we’ll add back in those 6 first cousins, and even give you a shot at 341 potential partners. Now I’m betting, and I’m a robot that was BUILT to calculate odds I might remind you, that out of those 341 potential partners, you have actually consummated a session of sweet with exactly …BZZT… ZERO of them.

Now I don’t make that assumption lightly. I factored in your use of the juvenile initialization of your name, your maturity of language, and your obvious high level of sophistication to arrive at that number. After all, I am a highly sophisticated and specialized piece of calculating machinery…

Now that THAT is out of the way, I’ll surprise many of my readers, by actually answering your question, D.J., instead of simply allowing myself the pleasure of ridiculing you.

Funny thing about women is that they remind me of a …BZZT… fine wine. When young, they are fiery, but too wild on the palate. When too long off the vine, they turn sour and bitter. But they spend a great portion of their life in a state of glowing beauty, their softness and fullness upon the palate counterbalanced by their robust and varied flavors swirled together and crashed against your lips and tongue to create the most wonderful sensation – alive with hidden complexity and beauty.

I say this not to compare women to liquor, D.J., although in your case that might be the only way one would give you a second glance. I make that statement to prove a point D.J. – women are so far beyond your ability to comprehend them, that it isn’t surprising that you can’t see how they’d be interested in a …BZZT… “tin can” like me.

Women aren’t often concerned with a man’s (or robot’s) looks. They are amazingly complicated beings who are more concerned about your intellect, your sense of humor, and your ability to meet their needs – emotionally and physically.

Women enjoy my company because I know how to treat a woman like a lady, just like …BZZT… Frank Sinatra did. And Frank was a good man, a good bleeping man. Frank knew that a woman liked to be made to feel as if she were a princess, and she wants you to look at her as if she is not only the only woman in the room, but (for just that moment) the only woman in the world. Frank was a master at it – I merely make ham-handed attempts to be as suave and debonair as Frank could be. But I’ll tell ya, D.J., its way more than most of the …BZZT… schmoes out there – you included.

So treat a woman like she deserves to be treated, and worry about touching her mind and her soul… the rest will follow.

As to how a robot could possibly satisfy a woman… well, I wouldn’t want to give away ALL my …BZZT… secrets. So, I’ll let my track record speak for itself.

Now beat it back to the rock you crawled out from under D.J. – and good luck with the ladies. Just try and stick to Homo Sapiens, ok?

Until next time, Showgirls and Gin, my friends, Showgirls and …BZT… Gin.

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About Fantasy Sharks

FantasySharks.com began in 2003, disseminating fantasy football content on the web for free. It is, or has been, home to some of the most talented and best known fantasy writers on the planet. Owned and operated by Tony Holm (5 time Fantasy Sports Writer Association Hall-of-Fame nominee,) Tony started writing fantasy content in 1993 for the only three fantasy football web sites in existence at the time.