Wednesday - Jun 26, 2019

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Having A Bad Week

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (Who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines and living the good life.


The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT … is a dame’s job.”



This morning I woke up in a horrible state. I woke up face down in a puddle of my own tears (I can cry, I asked that this functionality be built in with an upgrade installed in 1988. It helps me better understand the human condition.) My tears are a mixture of low-grade oil, olive juice and vomit. I had a fifth of Jack Daniels turned over next to me, and a crumpled up print version of the latest
Diary of a Fantasy Virgin


in my left manipulator. It had indeed been a rough night, I did everything I could to induce a stupor, and I succeeded – big time.


Svetlana and I had a horrible fight last night. She’s not as young as she used to be (she’s pushing 26 years old), and her lack of self-confidence is putting a serious damper on our relationship. I forget what our fight was about (yes, I do back up my data ‘tapes’ [for lack of a better word] each night, but not last night) – I wanted to forget, which is why I drank so much. Sometimes, you need to forget in order to move forward …


Which brings me to the teams who’ve had an off couple of weeks (Indianapolis Colts, Philadelphia Eagles, Green Bay Packers – I’m looking at you). In order to move forward and fight for a playoff spot, you need to put your recent woes behind you. Some teams may not be able to make the playoffs for lack of skill or injuries, but it is critical now that they have short memories …


NFC NOTES



If I had to bet on some team from the NFC West winning the division, I would have to go with the Seattle Seahawks. They have a better conference record, and one more home game left compared to the St. Louis Rams. The San Francisco 49ers are playing the best football in that sorry, sorry division, but discovered Troy Smith too late to sneak into the playoffs.


Can I stop talking about the NFC West now? No? I have to bleeping discuss
Derek Anderson


? Too bad … Look, what do you want the guy to do? He knows his team sucks. His teammates know their team sucks, and each game must be a torture test for that group of losers. Why cry about it? Granted, if their team was better, they would be upset by the poor showing they perpetrated on Monday night. As fans, it is really upsetting to see the under-performing millionaires who are stealing money from the owners (and thus the fans) yucking it up during a loss. Bad teams breed this kind of lackadaisical attitude. Don’t expect players on bad teams to give a damn. They accept losing and have become numb to it.


Brett Favre Boo-Boo Watch –
Nothing to report this week since they have a relatively easy opponent (Buffalo) at home.


Jay Cutler

had some great stats against the Philadelphia Eagles. Of course, the Eagles couldn’t tackle a stumble bum last Sunday. Cutler threw underneath and watched his receivers run away from the ineffective secondary. Give credit where it’s due though: the Bears won, and look to be a shoo-in for at least a Wild Card spot in the NFC.


When it rains, it pours in dome-protected Detroit. Word is that
Drew Stanton


will start for the Lions this week. Any hint of the Lions finishing with more than four wins is now gone. If
Shaun Hill


had started, I may have picked them as an upset special against the Chicago Bears, but I don’t see the Lions being a challenge for anyone going forward.


The Atlanta Falcons won a very entertaining game against the Green Bay Packers. The Falcons are tough, but the Packers simply can’t run the ball. They are too one-dimensional to go far in the playoffs.


Josh Freeman

and the Buccaneers will give the Falcons a run for their money this week. The Falcons aren’t great on the road and not experienced enough to handle the hype … they’re due for a let down. Don’t worry Falcons fans, I still think they are the horse to beat for the top seed, but they’re due for some bumps in the bleeping road.


I’m not impressed at all by the New York Giants squeaking by the very mediocre Jacksonville Jaguars at home. Beating the less-than-mediocre Redskins at home this week won’t change my mind either.


AFC NOTES



One thing you have to love about the NFL is that they always think with their wallets first. Is there any chance
Andre Johnson


doesn’t get suspended for beating up Irish midget mobster
Cortland Finnegan


if the Houston Texans weren’t playing on the NFL Network’s Thursday night game this week? He’s basically the only marquee player on the Texans, and he proved it with six catches for 149 yards after leaving in the second quarter with an ankle injury.


Everyone is making a big deal about the Indianapolis Colts being 6-5 instead of 11-0 at this point. Read that again. Sports coverage is completely over the top. Also, Indianapolis is still winning that division – the Jaguars are awful and you can count on them fading down the stretch.
Peyton Manning


is going to drop 40 on them in a few weeks.


So the San Diego Chargers are alive again, with some pundits saying they will win out the season and finish 11-5. Not out of reach, actually – their schedule the rest of the way is tasty: vs. Oakland, vs. Kansas City, vs. San Francisco, at Cincinnati, at Denver. None of those teams are very good, and four of them are downright bad. Life is good if you have
Philip Rivers


on your fantasy team or if you are in fact Rivers himself.


Stevie Johnson
, tsk tsk. Taking the Lord’s name in vain over a dropped touchdown pass? Here’s a tip, and as a being with advanced intelligence I can understand this as you cannot. God does not care whether or not you catch the football. Ever. Not even in overtime. He does care whether or not you cover the spread, and you still handled that nicely, thank you.


Big game this week between the New England Patriots and the New York Jets. Also,
Tom Brady


being named the spokesman for Uggs boots, which is just a frightening thought. Can you imagine a man wearing Uggs? Seriously. And a professional football player at that. Sickening. Between the hair and now the fuzzy boots, Brady is re-setting expectations for young quarterbacks everywhere. The fact that he whines and screams like a girl every time something goes differently than he expects works for his new profile. Next up: he rolls out a new line of male feminine products, in case you gentlemen have a not-so-fresh feeling down there.


Honestly, we are like this close to Brady announcing he’s getting a sex change operation in March.


Rusty Smith

is not going to get a Christmas card from
Chris Johnson. Smith is more likely to get a lump of coal in his stocking, or something even more foul if you catch my drift.

 
Jeff Fisher is a complete doofus for leaving his team in the hands of Smith.


Pittsburgh did not enjoy the news that
Ben Roethlisberger


has a broken bone in his foot. They are enjoying the news that Roethlisberger has not been accused of sexual assault in more than three months. I suppose that’s a cheap shot, but nobody said I had to take the high road.

So long for now, and remember, “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT … gin.”

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