Monday - May 20, 2019

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It’s 1 a.m. and I’m Still Standing

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (Who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT … is a dame’s job.”

Ahh …it’s getting to be that time. About 1 a.m. and the party is slowing down. Those who are cool enough and sober enough to stay up will party a little longer. But there are plenty of party-goers who … BZZZT… are slowing down and will be leaving the party soon. That’s where we are in the NFL season.




St. Louis

Tampa Bay

Time to go – you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Is that Buffalo and Houston I see making out on the couch? Oakland and Washington are fighting again; someone kick them out!

I know that’s also the case for a lot of you jamokes and your fantasy teams. You – guy who took
Trent Richardson

in the second round – goodbye!
Mike Wallace

in the fifth round? Get out of here! Your friend who took
Hakeem Nicks

in the fourth round? Get the bleep out! What were you thinking?

It’s always sad when a party breaks up, especially when you only get so many parties in your lifetime. Me – I live forever, so I can put the end of the season into good perspective.


Hey, Bruce Arians – yes, there were some questionable calls and non-calls against your team at the end of your game against the Philadelphia Eagles. The same can be said of numerous calls that went your way earlier in the game, which helped keep you only three scores down … BZT … at the end of the game. Your team was called for one more penalty and seven more penalty yards. Stop complaining. It’s unbecoming.

The San Francisco 49ers have all but sewn up the first Wild Card spot in the NFC, and I don’t see anyone beating out the Carolina Panthers for the other Wild Card spot. That makes the race for the NFC East and NFC North crowns the only interesting races left in the NFC. There will be some jockeying for … BZZZZT … position, but this is the earliest that four of the six spots have been locked up for either conference since they went to the wild card format that I can remember (and my memory is perfect).

Tony Romo

– the NFC East is yours to lose. We all know that the Dallas/Philadelphia game Dec. 29 will be flexed to the Sunday Night game. We all know that Dallas will be down four points with two minutes to go, and we all know Romo will have to drive the ball for a win. This season is Romo’s best chance to re-define his legacy, because he’s known as a choke artist now; and the Eagles look to be the future of the NFC East.

So, the New Orleans Saints look pretty bad on the road, eh? I haven’t seen anyone look this bad on the road since I let Dean Martin drive home after my Thanksgiving party in 1967. (Disclaimer – drunk driving is no laughing matter, kids).

Adidas featured
Robert Griffin III

IIIII … BZZZTT … IIII in a campaign this past offseason – “All In for Week One.” Do you think this influenced Griffin III and his handlers to rushing back … BZZT … too early? Of course not, money doesn’t influence anything for players or NFL teams; ever!


A lot of people have been asking my opinion on dancin’ Mike Tomlin. To me, it doesn’t matter if he was interfering on purpose or not – what in the world is he doing on the field in the middle of a play, and how is that not a penalty? Ignorance is never a defense, and intent is never an excuse. He shouldn’t have been there, he was fined for it, time to move on. Losing draft picks? Give me a break. No really, you people are too much.

As I write this, Houston and Jacksonville (combined record – 5-19) are making fools out of a national TV audience. The only way the NFL learns to avoid putting this trash on TV is to not watch, people. I can already hear the whining: “But Betbot, what can we do, it’s a Thursday night game?” Look, the NFL has cameras attached to wires flying all over the place in the stadium. They’ve got the game streaming over the air to mobile phones across the country. I’m sure they can figure out how to avoid subjecting us to a Week 14 game broadcast featuring two of the worst teams in the league. At the very least they could crash one of those flying cameras into someone and cause a cancellation.

Kansas City looks to rebound from their Denver hangover by taking on Washington this weekend, and that’s a pretty good team to rebound against. The Chiefs have some banged up pass rushers but Tamba Hali should return and he may just eat
Robert Griffin III

… BZT … III this weekend after throwing around the human turnstile, Trent Williams. And I know that
Alex Smith

gets no love in these parts, but Washington’s secondary is garbage. Even a noodle arm like Smith can push the ball here.

Also in AFC West vs. NFC East news – San Diego hosts the New York Giants in a matchup of very bad teams. This is the opposite of the unstoppable force against the immovable object. Let’s call it the New York “fork in your own eye” offense vs. the San Diego “soil your shorts on the playground” defense. This isn’t Houston-Jacksonville – this is just another pair of also-rans playing out the string while trying not to embarrass themselves. It’s quite a bit too late for that. Bonus points: you’ll get to hear the broadcast team discuss the Eli Manning/
Philip Rivers

draft day do-se-do.

Tune in to the New York Jets-Oakland game to hear about something that happened 45 years ago while I was watching the excellent TV movie,

Let’s see – anything else this weekend? New England is going to pound the stuffing out of Cleveland and Denver is going to throttle Tennessee. Cincinnati-Indianapolis should be a pretty good game, because
Andrew Luck

will faceoff against a very frisky Bengals defense. But I’m not expecting fireworks there – mostly field goals and
A.J. Green


There are no good plays this weekend in the AFC – keep your money in your wallet. That’s my advice – know when to walk away.

So long for now, and remember, “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZT … gin.”

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