Welcome to The Lowdown for Week 5. This is my little corner of the fantasy football universe — feel free to pull up a chair and stay a while!
I Told You So
Watching the first four weeks of the NFL season has been infuriating. Every game features a ton of laundry being thrown on the field, and I don’t like it one bit. Most of the penalties being called are ticky-tacky and there’s seemingly no consistency in the calls; it’s gotten so bad that the refs seem to be confused on every other play. Was it a penalty or not? The line judge seems to think it was but the umpire is trying to waive it off, and the side judge is trying to mediate the dispute between the two– all while the referee is making three different announcements over the PA. It’s like watching a tribal dispute over goat ownership in Afghanistan, but with a greater degree of confusion.
I blame the infiltration of soccer into the U.S. for this sad state of affairs in the NFL. If you’ve tolerated reading this column for more than three weeks or have ever had the misfortune of viewing The Riot, you’re well-aware of my decades-long soccer rant; I feel it’s been responsible for everything from increased traffic jams (idiot soccer moms driving SUVs too big for them to handle) to effeminate men (that other guy bumped into me, the brute) to socialism (let’s all partake in this global version of Kick the Can).
You see, it’s all a plot to tear down the American way of life. If they can get us to destroy the NFL ourselves, it’ll only be a matter of time before we’re all speaking Esperanto and referring to my generation of men as brutish neanderthals in the high school history books. The sad part is that it’s working. Much like soccer, the NFL has morphed into a non-contact sport; that was Step 1 of the master plan. Step 2, put more of the game in central authority– replays are conducted from the Kremlin… er, New York while more and more of the game action is dictated by referees. The next step will be a massive PR campaign to convince the fans that a 0-0 tie is the height of game excitement. Just like in soccer.
You know what happens once they take the NFL and turn it into soccer with helmets? I don’t know, but I won’t be hanging around to find out. I’ll be on my way to Australia, a country where you’re considered a pansy if you leave a game due to a concussion or severed appendage.
The irony is that they never had to fire a shot or drop a bomb. They somehow convinced us that turning the NFL into the MLS was in our own best interest. Well played Europe, well played.
Good luck, America.