Good Evening, Gentlemen. How are you?
Oh, I am doing quite well this lovely evening except for this eerie feeling
that I cannot get over. Would you like a drink? I have already drunk up half
the liquor cabinet since Monday. At this point in my pathetic life if I took a
breathalyzer I would be legally dead. I know I am still standing here and
making conversation but I assure you I am dead on the inside. What are you
doing, you can not leave yet, not until I have given you my top ten. You do
know that my top ten is the only one that goes all the way up to eleven. Just
Because I can not count to ten doesn’t make me as a crazed out lunatic. Oh, I
assure you I haven’t gone mad, yet. It will come in time. It’s those damned
49ers. They are driving me crazy, perhaps the final nail in my sanity coffin
will be this week when we find a way to lose to the hapless Rams. Then and only
then will I fall off the deep in into a pool of madness and hysteria and then
no one will be safe. (A dead Silence fills the air as the awkward moment
continues…..) I guess it time to give you what you came for.
Welcome to the week ten edition of the top ten at eleven.
If you have lived under a rock or are just in denial like I am that my team
totally blows, what I do is I rank the top ten (11) teams and I back it up with
absolutely no knowledge of the National Football League. That’s right; I am not
an expert or even pretend to be one. I am just a loudmouth lunatic drunk with
an opinion. I assure that no sober people were harmed in the making of this top
Preseason hype or ghosts of season’s past means absolutely
nothing to me. The Cowboys might be good in your imagination, but here in
reality, they are not quite as good. At least not at this point in the season,
they are not. Yes, I am talking to you too, Chargers and Colts. I only go by
the play this year on the field and how I see things. So, without further
adieu, I give you the top ten (11 -I know I still can’t count, I should have
as a youngster.)
This portion of the top ten is brought to you by the
number 0, as in how many losses the Titans have in this season. Does this mean
we are going to have to listen to Mercury Morris on every sports show from sea
to shining sea? Lord, I hope not. He is about as annoying as my case Herpes
simplex 14 and twice as reoccuring. What I saw last Sunday was a pure thing of beauty. The bears came
in thumping their chest and said to the big bad mighty Titans, “You are
not going to run on us. Kerry Flippin’ Collins is gonna have to beat us.”
Guess what, Chicago! You just got beat by Kerry Flippin’ Collins. I bet you all
feel really good about yourselves now. Everybody in the windy city should just
go and jump into
2. New York Giants
No matter what you Giant homers think, you do not deserve
to be number one on anyone’s list so quit your crying like I have read in
emails and would you please quit making those threatening phone calls to my
grandmother. It’s not my fault she doesn’t think you are as good as the Titans.
I happen to agree with the old bag. Let me ask you a very important question,
of faithful fan of the Mighty Giants. Who have the Titans lost to? Go ahead,
it’s a tough question take your time. Now, let me ask you another question. Who
have you lost to? The Browns? I rest my case. Don’t be too sad, now. There is
nothing wrong with being second best.
Why hath the Steelers forsaken me? Now, I have to put the
Panthers at number three because you failed to beat the Colts. Anyway,
I will get to you later. This is the time for me to sing the praises of the
luckiest team in the NFL. How in the world can Jake Delhomme look like the
second coming of Rick Mirer and the Panthers still win the game? It certainly helps
that they were playing the second worst franchise in the Bay Area (Yes, I am
still bitter!) That was the ugliest win I have ever seen by a supposed dominant
team, and I should probably drop them to about nine or so. I just can’t.
However, bad they did look against the Raiders, they are still as far as I can
see, and the third best team, even if it is by default.
Oh, yeah, where did I leave off with the Steelers, who let
me down so bad? I had so much blind faith in you and you let me down. I have to
think that Ben Roethlisberger just isn’t right and his injury is bothering more
then he is letting on. Don’t be a hero, Ben; we need you for the playoffs.
(The greatest college ever!), Byron Leftwich a chance until you
can get all better for when the Steelers really need you. Otherwise, by the
look of that lackluster offensive line, you are not going to last as long as
week 12, and then you will be watching the playoffs from the hospital. The
toughest tour in the National Football League continues as next week The
Steelers get to play the tumbling Chargers. Please don’t make me drop you
further in my top ten (11).
I think I may shock you all with this pick, and most of
you would put the Redskins here, but hear me out. This team just keeps on
keeping on without making excuses or pointing fingers. Losing Brady could have
been the perfect storm for them to just fold up their tents and give up on the
season. But this isn’t your brother’s Cowboys, who wilts under pressure when
their precious Room gets a boo boo on his pinky finger. This team is not a
bunch of Pretenders like that certain
team. No, they just grab their lunch pail, come to work everyday, and even if
Brady goes out for the season, they just find a way to win. They do not
complain. They do not moan and groan. They do not finger point. They just
continue to win.
The last time we saw the Redskins, they were getting their
bottoms handed to them by an ex -Marshall QB (another shameless plug from the
greatest university ever.) It is a good thing they had a bye last week because
they desperately needed to shake off that beat down at the hands of the
Pittsburgh Steelers. Not that I am picking sides or anything, but here is their
chance to spoil Tony Romo‘s return to the Dallas Cowboys. It is now time to
step it up in the nation’s capital so that we can start burying the evil
Cowboys. I dropped you out of the top five for motivation. Perhaps if you can kill
the Beast, I might be inclined to put the Washington Redskins back where they
belong in the top five.
The Dirty Birds are back! Who was the first person to tell
falcons were a legitimate contender? I will give you a few
moments to think about that. In the meantime, I love how the Falcons defense
made Drew Brees look quite ordinary. They completely manhandled the Saints on
Sunday and made a statement to the rest of the League. We are the Falcons and
we are for real. Not only that, the future QB-WR combo of Ryan and White will
amaze and delight Falcon fans for years to come. But, this is about this year,
and this year, the Falcons are proving that they are not a fluke. Speaking of
which, I told you so.
Could Brett Favre have made that big of a difference? I mean
this team is 6-3 and primed to shock the world by defeating the New England
Patriots. Slow down there, my Jets brother. The reason the jets are doing so
well is Thomas Jones and their defense, which just seems to be getting better
and better each week. Not to mention the fact, that the jets didn’t start
winning until the coaches decided to pull the reigns in on Brett Favre and not
let him go hog wild with the interceptions. Are they ready to take out the
? I don’t so, at least, not yet.
Rumors are circulating in
that Jon Gruden might be taking the
job. (No, Jeff Fisher is not in any kind of trouble, I am talking about college
football.) Well, wherever, his mind and heart is at, he better get his team to
focus, because the last few games they have not looked so well. Let’s hope for
fans; they have ironed out their problems over the bye week. Because,
here come the Minnesota Vikings who are starting to get it together and will be
looking to knock off the Bucs.
I really do not want to talk about this team since they
came back and beat my 49ers, but I guess they will. No, I can’t so it. I am
still bitter so I won’t. Maybe next week when the emotional wounds heal. Maybe?
11. Baltimore Ravens
I know there are some Colt fans that are ready to tell me
like it is but at least for one more week I like the Ravens better. These
rookie QBs are really earning their money this year. Joe Flacco is the best
signal caller for the Ravens since… well, since…. Hmmm, I was sure there
was somebody, but I guess not. He is the best quarterback in the long and
storied history of the Baltimore Ravens. Are you aware that this Raven team is
averaging close to 34 points a game over the last four weeks? Yeah, I didn’t
believe it either.
Other notes and Musings That Might Not Interest
As much as I bash the Indianapolis Colts, I have to admit
that they are starting to get it together at just the right time. In the last
two weeks they did defeat the patriots and Steelers, albeit in close games.
This could be a very dangerous team going forward and then I will lose half my
The Bears miss Kyle Orton so get well soon, for the sake
of everyone in the windy city before they all have heart attacks. (Of course,
that will probably happen due to the Cubs not the Bears)
If Mike Martz is not fired at the end of the season, my
fandom will be officially for sale. Yes, that is right, you can buy my support
for your team and I will support them with as much blind optimism as I have
with my pathetic 49ers. I take PayPal or Visa.
Since the Oakland Raiders fired Lane Kiffen, their offense
has averaged 7 points a game. When lane Kiffen was calling plays they averaged
19.5 points per game. That was a nice firing Al Davis.
The Bills are proving that they are not ready for prime
time… Maybe next year, boys.
In closing, I would like to take the time to apologize to
all the children and alcoholics out there and tell them that drinking after a
horrible loss does not solve your problems or make you feel any better. Once
you sober up, you still realize Mike Martz is still on the payroll of the
49ers. If you had Mad Mike Martz calling your offense you would understand. Can
I get an Amen from the
? Anyway, kids, don’t do drugs and don’t drink too heavily,
unless you are a Raiders fan, because even as bad as the Niners are, I can not
even begin to understand that pain.
Fell free to disagree or agree or just say how awesome I
As always, if you have any hate mail, fan mail,
complaints, death threats, or if you just want to drop a line telling me how
awesome I am; email me at Lundylove@msn.com
I might even answer some of your deepest darkest fantasy questions as long as
it is about football.