Sunday - Aug 18, 2019

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One Trick Pony

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting line, and living the good life.

 

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT … is a dame’s job.”


Jack Gilford was a good, dear friend of mine. And good man – a good bleeping man. He was also a very good actor. But, when he went on variety shows he did the same schtick over and over … for 30 bleeping years!


He would contort his face to mime pea soup boiling. You heard me right, he would mimic pea soup boiling with his face only. It was an amusing party trick. But, enough was enough. Mike Douglas, Dinah Shore, Merv Griffin – Gilford would go on and do this thing with his bleeping face. He once did it twice in the same year on Shore’s show! I mean, for God’s sake – it wasn’t that good.


I couldn’t stand it any more. This crazy stunt was hurting his career. I pulled him aside and had a heart to heart, “Jack, Hollywood doesn’t love one-trick ponies, and that’s what you are – a one-trick pony.” I told him. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t fun, but it had to be done. Needless to say, Jackie goes on the
Donny and Marie


show a couple weeks later, does a song and bada-bing bada-boom – one month later he’s shooting an episode of
Love Boat with Charo and me in Acapulco.


My point … BZZT … is – one-trick ponies can’t be very successful, and the NFL is full of one-trick ponies this year.


NFC NOTES

– Do I really have to write about this conference? What a load of dreck.


Has anyone noticed that Detroit’s defense has been a frisky fantasy play? Last week’s outburst is not sustainable, but 14 sacks is no joke. The secondary is dreadful but they can rush the passer and quarterback pressure creates turnovers.


Who’s the best team in the NFC? Chicago? Green Bay? New Orleans? No, no, no and no … the New York Giants are currently the best team in the NFC. I can’t believe it after their performance against the Tennessee Titans, but right now Eli Manning and friends have put together two nice games in a row and in the NFC that’s a blazing hot streak. I don’t expect it to stay this way – the Houston Texans were an easy out with their left tackle out the past couple games – but New York is playing the best. Ask me again after they play a couple more decent teams, though. This week against the Detroit Lions does not count.


I love
Max Hall’s


moxie. This kid knows how to win! Ha … who knows if he can keep it up, but he may be someone the rest of the team can respect, and he gets the ball to
Larry Fitzgerald

. That counts for something. And it’s a hell of a lot more than
Derek Anderson


could do.


Sorry, Giants fans, I take it back … the Falcons are the best team in the NFC. Now they didn’t beat up on the Cleveland Browns as many people think they should have, but the Browns weren’t as awful as people thought with Seneca Wallace under center. The Falcons haven’t had the easy wins the Giants have – but I think they will hold up much better in the long run.
Matt Ryan


needs to play more consistently and get the ball to
Roddy White as he did last week.


I said enough about
Brett Favre


for the time being (see last week’s column). Bleeping ass. BZZT. Don’t expect anything more from me until he retires or does something else completely selfish and stupid.


Stephen Jones
says that

Wade Phillips’
job is safe. What else is he supposed to say? I don’t like doing this, and don’t do it angrily (I’m as objective about the Dallas Cowboys as any other team) – but Phillips must be fired now. Now, it’s easy for any fan to call for the firing of a coach; it’s easy to do. While the coach must take responsibility for the won-loss record, we all know that at the pro level – the players can kill the season if they wish to. And, I guess the Dallas players want to (consciously or not) kill the season. Dallas should fire Phillips and promote Jason Garrett to at least try something else.
Jerry Jones’ dream of playing the Super Bowl at home will be gone with two more losses in the next four games. Even if Dallas wins against the sad Minnesota Vikings, he has to make the move to wake up his players.


Whoops! Favre is doing something selfish and stupid already! He’s saying his elbow is bothering him, and he is willing to sit out if he has to. Typical passive-aggressive Favre nonsense! I love it! I am sure his elbow hurts. I bet every quarterback in the NFL has some hurt which is hampering him to some extent (except for
Peyton Manning


… maybe not him). For Favre to humbly (ha!) say he would sit out games because he is hurt and not playing as well is … another Favre-ian gambit to make himself look good and possibly build some sympathy. He is also building in an excuse for when he:

  1. Continues to suck
  2. Quits

Smart money is on continued sucking, and then quitting within a month.


AFC NOTES

– The New England Patriots brought
Deion Branch


back, which is a pleasure in so many ways. Mostly I am enjoying the thought that New England fans are actually running the team, trying to re-capture some old glory by signing washed up former stars. “If we just get rid’a that sulkah
Randy Moss, and brought back a hahd-nosed receivah like Branch!” I hear
Troy Brown


is available, by the way – just in case the Patriots want to shore up their wide receiver corps and their leaky secondary. Seriously, Branch has exactly one decent season on his resume (2005), has never crossed 1,000 yards receiving and is 31 years old coming off a couple dozen knee surgeries (estimate). What is the point of bringing him back, just to block the development of
Brandon Tate?  Or to try to flip Branch to the 49ers for their 2013 first-round pick?


I hear you now, Patriot lovers. “Yeah, but BetBot – Branch is a Super Bowl MVP.” Yippee! That was only six years ago, and it happens to be the only great game of his life. I expect absolutely nothing from Branch.


Colt McCoy

is almost certainly starting for the Browns at quarterback this week against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Normally I would say this is going to be a disaster. However, when you’ve started the season with
Jake Delhomme


as the starter, “Quarterback Disaster” is a recurring appointment on your calendar. Anyone even remotely interested in the Browns should already be trained to expect the worst from their quarterback. I expect a lot of
Josh Cribbs


direct snaps. Whoever punts for the Browns better keep his leg warm …


Earlier this year I said that the New York Jets were a one-dimensional team that would struggle until they started getting better play from their quarterback. That is all still true. But if they control the ball (plus-11 turnover margin, best in the league) they can thrive without much offense at all. Just do not suggest that
Mark Sanchez


is a “clutch” quarterback or some nonsense because he’s not asked to do much while his teammates on defense and special teams constantly put him in good field position. A thing to watch out for – the Jets are 28th in the league in penalty yardage. That needs to stop or the already conservative offense will have to open it up to advance the ball.


Shawne Merriman

was effectively cut by the San Diego Chargers this week. I see a lot of jokes made at his expense, but it’s worth noting that he was a legit all-pro before hurting his knee. Feel free to joke about his Tila Tequila escapades, though. She sounds like a real treat, by the way. I mean, anyone taking a stage name based on liquor has to be one classy lady.


Speaking of players who used to be great before getting hurt, have you seen
Carson Palmer? Ewwwww. Last year everyone made excuses for Palmer, leading to ill-advised decisions like signing
Terrell Owens. This year he cannot hide from his own incompetence. Seven touchdowns against six interceptions is not going to get the Bengals over the hump, dude. An average offense headed towards another average season.


Arian Foster

is for real, but so is the Kansas City rush defense. I look forward to matchups like Houston against Kansas City, because their strengths and weaknesses exactly align. The Texans can’t defend and the Chiefs can’t move the ball, just as the Texans have a great offense, but the Chiefs have a great defense. It’s games like this that keep my Sundays balanced, and also keep me quite wealthy (I like Kansas City plus-4.5 as a four-martini play). Nobody realizes how well Kansas City is playing, and can you blame them? They’ve been a laughing stock for several years and are just washing the stank of
Herm Edwards


off the franchise. Still need a quarterback to take the next step, though.


Why are all the fantasy players on Indianapolis constantly banged up? Can we get a training staff down there some time this season? It’s like God is trying to purposely hobble
Peyton Manning. “MVP of the league, huh? Well let’s see how you play when all of your backs and receivers are hurt? Oh. Still great. Then try a plague of locusts!”

So long for now, and remember, “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT … gin.”

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