Friday - Feb 15, 2019

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Out of the Cellar

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well cultured take on the NFL.The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing.. .BZZT… is a dame’s job”.

I’ve said it many times before, I simply don’t like that blasted twang-twang Rock N Roll. Give me a song by
Ol’ Blue Eyes

(a close, personal friend of mine) any day. I do make some exceptions , though. When I see a raw talent which transcends genre, or…hell, even time; and I’ll get on-board with that talent, no matter what they are singing. Well, I met such an exceptional talent on the mean streets (as I was leaving
Heather Thomas’
apartment – 5:30 AM) of Los Angeles in July of 1981.

Stephen Pearcy
back then had the look of a dangerous hoodlum, someone who you couldn’t trust with your money, your wife, or your good name…BZZT…I knew better though. I knew this kid had a heart of gold and a set of pipes to match. Sure, I tried to get him to get out of Rock N Roll. But it was in his bleeping heart. Ha…hell… Even I grew to love his music after hanging out with him for some time. I got him and his band mates to change their band name, and Ratt was born.

I used my connections to get Stephen and the boys hooked up with
Milton Berle

who helped usher them to super-stardom. You can catch a glimpse of me back-stage during their video for their heart-wrenching ballad
‘Slip of the Lip’ , 

right here.

Why do I bring this up? Because folks are hyped up about
Robert Griffin III

. He reminds me a bit of Stephen Pearcy.
We’ll see if he can stay on top as long as Mr. Pearcy and


NFC Notes –
Speaking of young
Mr. Griffin III
– he torched a very suspect Saints defense. He did it while attempting 26 passes, hitting 19. He’s shown that he has the skills to get the ball to open receivers – and while I want to see him against better opponents, I like this kid’s moxie.

Another QB who has a good deal of moxie (not as much talent, though) is
Josh Freeman
. I don’t know how long
Greg Schiano’s
Rah-Rah act will last in Tampa Bay, but the win against the Panthers was impressive. The Bucs’ defense made
DeAngelo Williams
look more lost than
Willie Aames
at a Mensa meeting.

The win against the Packers in Green Bay was another impressive win. I’m still not a big
Jim Harbaugh
fan personally, his schtick gets bleeping old…real old. We all know you love your bleeping self Jimbo, OK? But he has gotten everything you can get out of that offense, and the talent the Niners have in the front seven of their defense is phenomenal. Green Bay’s been a bit exposed as a one trick pony, offensively – and a no-trick pony defensively, but I loved the performance on the road. 
Lovie Smith
should have purchased that game plan for last night.  Unfortunately, he’s still
Lovie Smith
. That idea will come to him sometime next month.

Matthew Stafford
Michael Vick
are very lucky they were playing some horrible teams last week. I have much more faith that Stafford can learn and adapt than Vick. Actually, Vick can’t learn or adapt on the football field – at all. Neither can Vick’s coach, but that’s a whole other column.

Matt Ryan
and the Falcons look damn…BZZZT… impressive on offense. They better be, cause that defense just got a whole lot worse with
Brent Grimes
injury. Luckily
Asante Samuel
and his Twitter (@pick_six22) account are here to save the Falcons!

AFC Notes
— Now I’ve already covered the great rock band Ratt.  And keeping with the theme of mid-80s music,
check out this video

from David Lee Roth.  If that amount of male rear end in your face makes you uncomfortable, then you know how Browns QB
Brandon Weeden
feels right about now. I would say I feel sorry for the kid, but he’s not a kid.

Kenny Britt
is due to return from his DUI-related suspension this week.  Now, that sounds like it could be news, except that Titans coach
Mike Munchak
is acting like he needs to treat Britt like a Kewpie doll. Hamstring, knee – what?  Is this guy made of fluorescent light bulbs and chewing gum?  Britt is more high maintenance than that trophy wife I picked up in fall of ‘64, and trust me when I tell you it was no fun trying to get that headache annulled. I am hearing limited snaps for Kenny this week, and even though I like his matchup against San Diego, think twice before counting on him.

Anyone in the Raiders’ WR corps want to show up? I mean, let’s just say I have one of you on a fantasy squad – or perhaps I have
Carson Palmer
.  There has to be someone out there who can catch passes for a living and wants to play in the NFL, right?  Can we get someone in Oakland to earn a paycheck?

That doesn’t include
Darren McFadden
, by the way.  He is completely money.  Well, until his mid-season breakdown caused by overuse. What, you think he’s going to catch 10+ balls every week and not snap a hammy sometime in October?  You’ll be riding him to first place and then TWANG!! I would pity you if it made a stinkin’ bit of difference.

Looks like the Jets pulled the old rope-a-dope, aided and abetted by the New York media of course. Bring in
Tim Tebow
, make a spectacle of the whole deal, all the while you plan on letting the white knight rot while
Mark Sanchez
lights up the world. I do like this new kid
Stephen Hill
, although his profile picture is a mugshot waiting to happen.

Speaking of Jets-Bills, perhaps Buffalo would have done a better job preparing defensively if they had not paid attention to the host of reporters camped out in New Jersey waiting for a glimpse of the golden boy without his shirt on. The Bills defense looks expensive and downright lost. I expect better from
Chan Gailey
– wait – an over-matched, embarrassing display of barely-professional football is exactly what I expect from
Chan Gailey
(career record 28-38 – just saying it’s maybe time to try someone new.)

So much more to discuss, but I will leave you with some quick hits:

Joe Flacco
– I like Bert’s new no-huddle offense but would prefer a second alternative besides
Anquan Boldin
.  Can TE
Dennis Pitta
really be the answer?

“A Football Life” starring
Ray Lewis
– oh, eat a …BZT…, NFL network.

Peyton Manning
– can still read a defense, but those passes looked downright wobbly. And I legitimately cringed every time he got breathed on. I don’t want to see the man crippled.

Eric Decker
– I know he gets a lot of play in fantasy circles but I don’t see much more than a poor man’s
Ed McCaffrey
. And I like McCaffrey.

Ben Roethlisberger
– under siege, yet again.  It’s like nobody in Pittsburgh wants to help this guy stay upright. Oh, he’ll figure it out, they say.  The good news is that he’s not crashing his motorcycle into cars anymore.

Tawny Kitaen – still a honey.  Starting with Ratt, I had hoped to explain what it’s like to
film a music video

with this classy, classy lady.  Alas, I am four martinis in already – next time, friends.

So long for now, and remember “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and …BZT…gin.”

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