Friday - Apr 26, 2019

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Pour Some Out For Tony

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), the Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting line and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT … is a dame’s job,”

“Betbot, do you rust?”

I get this question a lot. Well, no, I don’t rust. I can’t. My latest shell is made of a stainless steel/graphene composite material. Even my first shell was made of a stainless/Kevlar composite which couldn’t rust. And, let’s face it – I spend 98 percent of my time in beautiful Las Vegas, where rain is as rare as a kind word at a Tea Party rally.

But … but if I could rust, well, I’d be rusty as hell right now. Rusty from my tears (note – I can’t cry either).

My good friend Tony Curtis died last week. And, except for a fiery argument in 1980 about my relationship with his sweet daughter, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tony and I were like blood brothers. I am writing this article after sitting shiva for Tony.

Tony, heaven just got a little hipper.

Heaven just got a little hipper.

Here’s a favorite picture of Tony with me

Also: Do not forget to follow me on Twitter @betbot6k. You’ll get my picks every week plus random banter. You need more random banter!


– You know … I bleeping praise the Chicago Bears and
Pencil Ear Mike Tice, and what do they do? Go and have one of the worst performances I have ever seen from an offensive line. The New York Giants were hardly stunting or blitzing, and they get two quarterbacks murdered. I wrote in my preseason preview that I thought
Jay Cutler wouldn’t last the entire season, but I got fooled. What an abomination … good luck Jay, you will need it.

Andy Reid

stated again that
Michael Vick

is the Philadelphia Eagles’ starting quarterback.
Kevin Kolb

can’t win the job back, Reid said. Now the Eagles absolutely have to re-sign Vick and get Kolb out of town in the offseason.

The New Orleans Saints really miss
Reggie Bush. Their offense looks pedestrian so far this year. Now, they are playing some very good defenses, but … BZZT… that didn’t matter much to the Saints last year.
Chris Ivory

isn’t the same player Bush is, but they have to find someone who can play in the backfield or split out and make trouble in open space.

I don’t write about fantasy football much any more. Tony Holm said I was making the other fantasy columnists look bad, but I have to write about
Larry Fitzgerald. Most people are probably wondering what to do with this cat. You certainly can’t trade him now; his value has never been lower. So, should you bench him? I wouldn’t for this week. You have to hope that
Max Hall

will follow the
Eli Manning

school of quarterbacking – chuck the ball up to the tall guy.

The Arizona Cardinals won’t be what they were the past couple years – but they could be respectable, and that’s a hell of a lot better than what you’ve seen this year. See how it plays out for a couple games with Hall. Don’t count on much – but hope for the best.

Could the Rams be the best team in the NFC West? Sure, why not? All these teams find new ways to suck, it seems.

I’ll write about the
Randy Moss

trade later, but word out of Minnesota is that
Brett Favre

Brad Childress

are butting heads. See what you get when you rust a snake like Favre, Brad? Poor performance and passive-aggressive back-stabbing. Congratulations Minnesota, it will be a spectacular season of sniping if things don’t turn around soon.

The injury to
Clinton Portis

is very bad. This could be his last season as a relevant player in the NFL. I always liked this cat’s style – I wish him the best, but wouldn’t be surprised if Washington has another No. 1 running back for the rest of the season. That’s also twice in this column I’ve referred to a player as “cat.” Go ahead and keep score.

Speaking of Washington,
Donovan McNabb

went back to Philadelphia and came out with a win. Now his numbers were bad, but he picked up key first downs and kept the clock ticking when the Redskins needed it. I am a big fan of McNabb’s on the field but he had to say some backhanded things at the end of his post game speech to teammates. “Everybody makes mistakes in [their] lifetime, and they made one last year,” McNabb said about the Eagles. Now, make no mistake, this wasn’t just a speech to his team. He knew the comments would be broadcast to everyone else. McNabb, the only mistake the Eagles made was in judging Kolb’s talent. The trade wasn’t about 2010, it was about the future. For this year – it may have been a mistake (well, not really, because Vick was outplaying McNabb until his injury) – but neither the Redskins nor the Eagles are winning the Super Bowl this year. And neither team will do so with McNabb as the quarterback in the future.


– So what to think of the Randy Moss trade? Moss is a lot like baseball player Gary Sheffield – very productive, but also very cranky when he doesn’t have a long term deal in place. So cranky, in fact, that players like these two will go out of their way to make their team know just how cranky they are. They make problems in the clubhouse. They take plays off.
Bill Belichick

is an arrogant bag, but he’s amongst the savviest minds in pro football. He may say that the Moss trade has nothing to do with money, or with Moss’ attitude, but you know better. Regular readers will remember – it’s always
about the money. Moss is not a player that New England was going to re-sign beyond this year, and if he’s going to cause problems and generally not produce this season because he’s without a long-term deal, why not cut your losses now? A third-round pick is decent compensation for 12 games of a near-elite wideout.

One thing to keep in mind, for the Patriots’ fans that keep saying nonsense like Belichick made the trade to get back to the “2001-2004 Patriots model.” That would be a good plan, if he had the “2001-2004 Patriots’ defense” which he bleeping doesn’t. Don’t know if you’ve been watching the games this season, but New England is giving it up like it’s prom night. They’re going to miss the production on offense. Do you really think that former New York Jets midget (Ed. note:
Danny Woodhead) is running wide open because of his “mad skillz, yo?”

This week’s fanbase that will only get to watch the home team’s game by illegally streaming it over the internet, which is extremely easy to do, but the NFL still “blacks them out” like we give a hoot? The Buffalo Bills. At least the team finally traded
Marshawn Lynch, and for a whole fourth-round pick! (OK, you got me – plus a conditional pick in 2012!) That’s a way to wait it out, Buffalo front office. You really showcased Lynch this season and sparked a bidding war. I bet they use that pick on a running back.

Oh yeah, Oakland picked up a blackout this week, too. That’s 10 straight – a nice streak, even better than most of the losing streaks the Raiders accumulate from year to year. Are you seriously telling me that Oakland has a tough time selling out home games for an obviously inadequate team, at a stadium where most of the fans dress like gladiators and act like prison inmates?  Is the NFL not family entertainment anymore?!

The Indianapolis Colts lost again last week, this time to a Jacksonville Jaguars team that has barely looked like a professional football squad for most of the 2010 season. Colts’ fans can piss and moan about losing on a 59-yard field goal, but what in the world was keeping the game that close? Indianapolis’ turnovers and special teams, that’s what. The Jaguars started three consecutive second half possessions at their 49-, 47-, and 43- yard line. Two of them went for touchdowns. Nobody really talks about how Indianapolis is a poorly coached team.

I’m not going to discuss
Brett Favre’s

private parts. Too many words have been wasted on this guy, and if you haven’t figured out that he’s the type of selfish egomaniac that would think texting pictures of his penis to a woman counts as a proper introduction, I’m not sure I can help you. ”Dadgum I bit this har Wrangler snake will brin dat lil honey callin fer supper!” Idiot. BZZT.

Week 5 marks the return of
Ben Roethlisberger, who

strongly claims

that he would never hurt a female in the manner with which he was accused. And certainly not on two separate occasions, I suppose, hmm? And what is with the qualifier there? Can’t you just say, “I would never hurt a woman.” You know, like you’re supposed to? Also, it’s worth noting that long time whipping boy of this column,
Merrill “Spin Button” Hoge, has been mentoring Roethlisberger. So don’t be surprised to see the Pittsburgh Steelers’ quarterback sporting some frosted tips and saying even more stupid things going forward.

Also returning this week:
Santonio Holmes. So when does
Jerricho Cotchery

get his DUI?

won its first game last week, in a game where
Jake Delhomme

didn’t play. Coincidence? I think not. Why are there never stories mid-season apologizing for the preseason nattering that suggests washed up stiffs have found new life with another team? In the Browns win,
Joshua Cribbs

carried the ball three times for nine yards. Explosive.

Chris Johnson

is slumping this season, posting less than four yards per carry and only on pace for 1,400 or so yards despite getting the ball roughly 50 times per game. Perhaps
Jeff Fisher would like to mix up the game plan a little, yes? Oh no no no, that won’t do. This game plan is airtight, baby! Fisher was recently seen shirtless and drunk, screaming “my kingdom for a
LenDale White

time share!”

Parting thought – next time you hear
Al Michaels

mention the game total or point spread in a “wink wink, nudge nudge” kind of way and
Cris Collinsworth

chuckles, think of the people in the sports lounge down at Bally’s tearing up betting tickets and shouting at the television “EFF YOU MICHAELS! I JUST DROPPED TWO DIMES ON THESE HUMPS!” It might make you appreciate Michaels’ inside joke all the more. Or maybe you’ll start to realize that Michaels is a sadistic little troll. ”Oh ho, Cris, looks like that last-minute touchdown caused some heartburn – if you know what I mean! Har har.”

So long for now, and remember, “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT …gin.”

About Fantasy Sharks began in 2003, disseminating fantasy football content on the web for free. It is, or has been, home to some of the most talented and best known fantasy writers on the planet. Owned and operated by Tony Holm (5 time Fantasy Sports Writer Association Hall-of-Fame nominee,) Tony started writing fantasy content in 1993 for the only three fantasy football web sites in existence at the time.