Saturday - Jan 16, 2021

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Rex in Effex

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life. 

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.

The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”


Rex Grossman – CHI – Dropped and probably forgotten in your league, but he’ll be back before the season is out, likely as soon as November 27th. Now, that game is against Tampa Bay so it’s not like he’s going to come out …BZZZT… guns blazing. However, his schedule down the stretch includes a prime-time home game against Atlanta. A dome team playing at night in Chicago in December? Uh, I’ll take the Bears. Plus, Grossman gets to see Green Bay twice, which is about as favorable as it gets. Al Harris is possibly the most overmatched defender in the NFL, and the fact that he has a reputation as a shutdown corner is downright laughable. Not as laughable as the concept of a Magic Johnson late night talk show, but close. Do I expect Grossman to light it up? No. But you could do worse with a …BZT… roster spot and he’ll come cheap off waivers because he’s still under the radar.

Oh, and don’t think that I’m overlooking the cachet that having a Rex on the team brings. I can’t help but remember Rex Harrison, a man who really brought the chicks in. Not only was “Sexy Rexy” married 6 times, Hollywood starlet Carole Landis committed suicide after he broke off their affair. Harrison even had the …BZT… stones to sock Frank Sinatra in the jaw because Frank was supposedly hitting on Rex’ wife. Now that’s a good man. A good bleepin’ man. If you’ve got the moxie to swat Frank Sinatra off your girl you’d make a great QB. Now, you can’t put Harrison in the lineup because he went down to the big casino in 1990. But if Rex Grossman brings a mere fraction of Harrison’s swank to your team you’ll be swimming in showgirls. And that’s what this …BZT… fantasy football thing is all about, right?


Kyle Johnson – DEN – No, I can’t explain why this guy keeps scoring TDs. The Broncos have three active tailbacks every week and the fullback is getting all the calls near the goal line. Fair enough, it’s all about misdirection and such. Johnson is a classic boom or bust start. You can safely avoid him in performance leagues, but there are still a few of you out there with TD-only leagues and you could do worse than trying out “the other guy” in Denver’s …BZT… backfield. They can move the ball and apparently the head coach enjoys spreading it around to every fantasy-killing player on the roster. How else can we explain the amount of action Dwayne Carswell sees at the goal line? Anyway, Kyle Johnson already has 4 TDs under his belt this year, which is more than we can say for Tatum Bell or Mike Anderson. Did I mention that Philadelphia is coming to town this weekend? The Eagles’ LBs are more aggressive than the pros over in Caesar’s lounge bar, and trust me when I tell you that those ladies are downright bloodthirsty. A little play …BZZZT… action will provide many scoring opportunities for Kyle Johnson on Sunday.


Antonio Chatman – GB – Sure, sure sure…Now everyone’s climbing on board the Chatman bandwagon, well, I told you about him first. Look, one thing I don’t like is repeating myself, but I have…BZZZT… been known to do it…

Simple facts, Ferguson is out , so now Chatman’s the #2 WR in Green Bay for a while, at least 2 weeks, maybe 4. Look – Chatman has some tough matchups coming up with Cincy, Pittsburgh and Atlanta lurking, but that may also mean that Favre has to chuck the ball early and often. If Green…BZZT… Bay’s running game stumbles, Favre and company may have to pass almost as much as the Eagles…That’s a lot. I’m not saying Chatman will…BZT… light the NFL on fire, but he does have 3 TDs in his last 4 games, he could do well for you in a pinch.

Reche Caldwell – SD – Nobody likes playing the fool; you know that, I know that, Motown knows it, and now Reche Caldwell knows it. He helped the Chargers snatch…BZZZZT… defeat out of the jaws of victory with his late game fumble against the Eagles.

Despite the gaffe, Caldwell had a very nice game, he was targeted 7 times, and caught the ball 4 times, each time he caught the ball, the Chargers got a first down. It looks like Caldwell has established…BZZT… himself as a starter, and Caldwell is a quality start right away with the Chiefs visiting the beaches of San Diego this very week.


Marcus Pollard – DET – Jeff Garcia likes tight ends.

[You know, Buddy Hackett once told me that telling a joke is all in the timing. He’s right – and a good man, a good bleeping man.]

Where, was I? Oh yes, Jeff Garcia loves tight ends. He really loves throwing to tight ends. Look Pollard may not really…BZZZT… qualify as a deeper sleeper, but he’s still available in a lot of leagues, and has some nice match ups coming up, including Minnesota and Arizona in…BZZT… weeks 9 and 10. He only caught one pass last week, after 3 targets, but I think Garcia will lean on him when the Lions are behind (and that will happen, the Lions won’t play the Browns each week) and the WRs…BZZT… are getting all the attention, especially when Charles Rogers comes back.


Shaun Suisham – DAL – Desperate times call for desperate measures. Hopefully you’ve got better options available to you than the Cowboys, and if you don’t hopefully you have more patience than Bill Parcells. This isn’t so much an endorsement for Suisham as it is an opportunity to poke …BZZT… fun at Dallas for dropping their kicker because Drew Bledsoe blew the Seattle game. Sure, kickers are replaceable but it’s not like Jose Cortez was doing awful or even performing below expectations. Cortez is not a good kicker, but if the defense or the QB doesn’t fold in the 4th quarter of the Seahawks game he’d still be on the Cowboys’ roster, regardless of what Parcells would have you believe. Suisham should get a lot of field goal attempts so if you REALLY feel like slumming it he may have a spot on your roster.

Tecmo Super Bowl Tip of the Week

Padding your stats – There are many reasons why Tecmo Super Bowl is the greatest …BZZZT… video game of all time. One of my favorites is that TSB was one of the first games to record statistics for your players over the course of a season. This can lead to a discussion on the ethics of padding your stats. In my opinion, padding stats is not only perfectly acceptable behavior, it should be encouraged whenever possible. Some of my favorite tricks include:

  • Running the kickoff back to your own 1 yard line to get more rushing or passing yards for your offense
  • Running out of bounds at the opponent’s 1 yard line to give your RB a vulture TD
  • Trying to win the rushing title with a fast QB like Randall Cunningham (aka QB Eagles) – just call pass plays and start scrambling.

Remember, if statistics didn’t count for anything nobody would keep them. Winning is a lot sweeter if you look …BZT… good doing it.

Feedback Loop

Dear Betbot,

To quote Judas Priest…You’ve got another thing comin’!!!

Jerry – West Chester, PA

Dear Jerry,

Ooookaaayyyy…I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean, if this is a very poorly crafted threat…I’ll kick your bleeping rump. If this is a quiet…BZZT… tribute to Judas Priest, OK then.

Look, I’ll be honest, I’m not a big fan of Judas Priest’s music, yes it’s true, raw music, but something rubs me wrong about some of the lead guitar work, but that’s just me. I will say this, though – I respect the bleeping hell out of Rob Halford. I met Halford one night backstage at the Sands, I was visiting my showgirl…BZZT… girlfriend Misty, and Judas Priest was in town playing another venue. Anyway, like I said, I was backstage and who do I literally run into, but Rob Halford. Now, this was after Mr. Halford came out of the closet, and I admit I was …BZT… a little nervous. I assume everyone is attracted to me. But I don’t judge – hey, I went to many parties in Sin City with Liberace – I’m a pretty liberal robot.

Halford was visiting an old friend of his…BZZZT… on the casino floor, and me…well, I was scamming on Misty. After some uncomfortable introductions (I knew who he was, based on the haircut and the leather biker’s hat…and chaps) we started…BZZT… chatting. You wouldn’t think a heavy metal front man would be so versed in the minutia of Romantic era English poetry, but Halford turned out to be quite interested in Lord Byron. I must say I found a respect for Halford…alas I still don’t listen to Judas Priest. Unlike the lead singer, that lead guitarist rubs me the wrong way.

Until next time, Showgirls and Gin, my friends, Showgirls and …BZT… Gin.

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