I bet you are sitting in that chair, smoking that pipe, drinking that whiskey, thinking to yourself; I sure do miss Lundy’s articles. Wait, a minute, all I hear are crickets chirping. This can’t possibly be right. I mean, I do have readers right. I read the emails, so I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of my seven readers. I know you have to put down a ton of alcohol to stomach my brilliance, but nonetheless, I appreciate the fact, even if it is alcohol induced that you read my garbage.
Some of you might be wondering where I have been. Most of you are probably celebrating in the streets the fact that my incoherence will never make it to a computer screen ever again. Well, I am back, to terrorize fantasy sharks once again. The reason of my absence was the fact that I was just in way too many freaking drafts. Holy Mother of Cattle, I am so sick of drafting fantasy football teams. I have been hallucinating lollipops and hand grenades on what to do with the 12th pick in my drafts. I love fantasy football more than anybody, but I am here to tell you that too much of anything can make you sick, and I was getting sick of it. Now, that the nightmare of drafting is over, I can sit down and write an article. So here it is, for all seven of my loyal readers, even if you have to be drunk to read it.
As I was drafting my fantasy teams, I noticed something that irked me. In two drafts, I was the unlucky lad that had the wonderful luck of drafting in the 12th position. Don’t you hate it, when you look at the draft order and see that you name is attached to the 12th spot? I was thinking, how is this even fair, especially in an ultra competitive league. Seriously, drafting in that position is like trying to swing on a trapeze with one arm behind your back, no matter how good you are, you are probably going to fall on your face.
There is nothing fair about a redraft serpentine league, especially for the eleventh and twelfth pick. Think about it. You can already rule out the top ten players. Forget about it. Even if I wanted to be a homer, and pick Gore as my number one running back, I couldn’t. What kind of trash is that? Am I bitter? Daggone straight, I am bitter. I feel like I have been raped of my fantasy football innocence, and there is nothing I can do about it. Which is why, right now, in front of my seven drunken witnesses, I am proposing a new rule for all redraft leagues. Grab another shot of that hard stuff, because what I am about to say will not go down easy. I believe that all redraft leagues, in order to be fair to all participants, should be Auction based Drafts. Why? Because, it sucks getting the 12th pick and I have no shot at Frank Gore. (It’s all about my homerism anyway.)
In an Auction draft, I would at least have a shot at the best back in the history of football. All I would have to do is overspend for him and ruin the rest of my team. But, if that is my choice, that’s who I want. Not like a snake draft, where I am stuck picking scraps out of the leftovers. I could go through stats and bore you to tears with why Auction leagues are better, but I won’t. I don’t care about stats, I just wanted Gore, and my lifelong dreams of having him in every league were shattered, all because of the stupid blind luck of the draw of the unfair fascism known as the serpentine draft. It represents all that is evil in fantasy football, by far. On the other hand, Auction drafting will send you into a spiraling world of inner peace and tranquility, where you will be greeted by 10,000 beautiful angels upon your death. If you don’t believe me, ask Nick Pavlou, who rejected my request for an interview because of some restraining order. I don’t know. But, never fear, my loyal readers, as Ben Ice is on yahoo messenger even as we speak. Maybe we can get a few words of the Gospel known as Auction drafting, from the Ice Man him self
: Hello, Ben Ice, You there.
Ben Ice just signed off from Yahoo messenger
Well, I guess we just missed him. Maybe we can catch him some other time, when he is on, and he can give us some words of wisdom about the wholesomeness and goodness of what I like to call Auction drafting.
As much as Auction drafting is the best way to draft, and is the most fair way to build a team for everybody, there are some of those that do not follow the truths of the Auction. I feel sorry for him, and I can only hope he redeems himself one of these days from the evils of serpentine drafting. His name is Brian, and I recently had the chance to debate this topic with him. You all know him as OilersNut, which should give you an idea of how sane he is. I mean, he roots for a football team that doesn’t exist. That, right there, should tell you all you need to know about how mentally stable this guy is. But, being the fair guy that I am, I gave him a shot to debate this. Even though, I am right, and he is wrong.
: How can you even justify serpentine drafts? Do you realize that I was stuck with the 12th pick? How is that fair?
: It shouldn’t be a problem for the self professed best fantasy player in the history of the world. You should be able to dominate from any position
: Of course, I will dominate; there is no question about that. I am speaking on behalf of the common fantasy football player. You know, because, I am the voice of the common man.
: In that case, I would have to say that the “common man” doesn’t have time to prepare for an Auction draft as it would overwhelm him. Not all folks that play fantasy football are like us. They just do it for fun, and do not research as extensively as we do.
: I find that hard to believe. Everybody studies just as hard as I do. Wait, I don’t research at all, I just read what Agenda says and follow from there. I really am the laziest sack of garbage that ever graced this planet.
: So, why do you like Auctions again? There are not easy to prepare for, and since you claim to be lazy, I would think you wouldn’t want anything to do with it.
: You don’t know me at all. In fact, I can prove to you that Auction drafting is just as easy as serpentine drafting.
: Go ahead, prove it.
: I will later. That is all the time we have for that smart-aleck. I would like to take the time to thank him for giving his perspective on why he worships serpentine drafting.
t: I do not worship serpentine drafting. What are you talking about?
Anyway, let’s move on. Thank you, once again, Oilersnut, for your opposing view on this important fantasy football issue. It can never be said, that I never let the opposing view express their opinion in my articles. What’s this that I hear? I think Ben Ice has signed back on. Let’s see if we can get some words of wisdom about Auctions from Big Ben himself.
: Hello, Ben. Are you there? I want you to give your perspective on Auction drafting.
Ben Ice just signed off from Yahoo messenger
Hmmm, we just missed him again. I wonder why he keeps signing off. He must be having trouble with his computer. Yeah, that’s it. I am sure; eventually he will give us some much needed perspective on the righteousness that is Auction based drafting. We just have to be a little patient.
As we wait for our opportunity, for our chat with Ben Ice, I have to admit, Oilersnut was right. After drafting my team in my money league, the other night, I have to say that I absolutely schooled them in our draft, which happened to be a serpentine draft. The goons actually let every player I wanted fall to me. I, far and away, drafted the best team in that league. I should dominate the league the entire year, which means only one thing; I will probably lose. Welcome to the wonderful world of fantasy football. Just imagine what I would have done to them in an Auction draft. It would not have been pretty.
Well, there he is. Ben Ice has signed on to his messenger again. Let’s see if we can annoy him and get him to say a few words about Auctions.
: Hello Ben Ice.
: I would have figured you would have got the hint by now. I don’t want to talk to you.
: You are such a kidder. Ben and I go way back.
: No, we don’t. Now what do you want. We need to make this short. I am a busy man.
: I just want you to give us in one short statement why Auction drafts are awesome and serpentine drafts suck.
: Auction drafts are the great equalizer in fantasy sports. You aren’t chained to the luck of the draw, you decide who you want on your team. The addition of a salary cap adds an element of control that serpentine drafts just can’t match. Without a doubt, once you go auction, you won’t want to draft any other way.
: That’s what I am talking about. How is the family?
Ben Ice just signed off from Yahoo messenger
: Thanks for your time, Ben.
There you have it. I hope I have convinced all of you that Auction drafts are the road to divinity and serpentine drafts are the way to eternal damnation. Well, maybe not to that extreme but pretty darn close. I know this much to be true, if you want to get to fantasy football heaven, you must repent from the evil that is serpentine draft, and join the dozens and dozens of reformed Auction drafters. Your soul will thank you for it.
If you have just read this article and haven’t killed yourself yet, I hope to write more and more, at least for the seven drunken readers, that I do get. Who knows I may actually get it up to eight drunken readers, or my ultimate goal, one sober reader. A writer can dream, can’t he? Next week, there will be a preview of the season from a non fantasy perspective. I know you all can’t wait for that one. I will give you, who I think will be in the Super Bowl, and some crazy predictions, the only way I can give them to you, if they haven’t fired me by that time.
As always, if you have any hate mail, fan mail, complaints, death threats, or if you just want to drop a line telling me how awesome I am; email me at Lundylove@msn.com. I might even answer some of your deepest darkest fantasy questions as long as it is about football.