Friday - Jul 19, 2019

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Somebody’s Gonna Pay

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (Who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Tom Walls because “typingBZZT … is a dame’s job.”

I’m not very bleeping happy with the jamoke who transcribes these articles for me; or with the editors at Fantasy Sharks. I say this as I convalesce inside a hangar at Cape Kennedy (I’ll never call it Cape bleeping Canaveral!!!). Thankfully, my old Maintenance Engineer, Augustus Napoleon read this article last week and realized I was in danger. If you remember, last week … BZZZT … I wrote that I hung out with Vladimir Putin, which is something I said I would never do! Putin is a monster and an enemy of this country, make no mistake.

Augustus (I call him Gus) read the article and knew something was wrong. He was right. Someone, it can’t be proved who, slipped some Polonium-210 into one of my drinks last week. I don’t think it was bleeping Alex Guarnaschelli or Amanda Freitag of Chopped fame, either. I was suffering from radiation poisoning when I wrote last week’s article. My hard drive was corrupted, otherwise I would have never written so nonchalantly about having ‘fun’ with that dictator. Thankfully, Gus got in touch with me and convinced me to come in for a checkup. So here, I bleeping sit, recuperating while my irradiated body is replaced. I missed the bleeping premier for The Martian. I am not happy! I was Jessica Chastain’s date … BZZZT!

I mean, Putin tried to kill me for Pete’s sake! Not cool, Fantasy Sharks, not cool.

Grrr …

Anyhow – here’s my thoughts on the bleeping NFL.

I usually bust Tom Brady’s chops. Because he deserves it, honestly. And he may or may not be raising my child as his own. However … It came to light that Ryan Tannehill was mocking defensive players from the Miami practice squad who intercepted him. This anecdote alone tells you all you need to know about Miami’s culture pre-Dan Collins, and about Ryan Tannehill. Anyhow – I was about to compliment Tom Brady, as painful as it is. After this story surfaced, Donte Stallworth tweeted that Brady would pay practice squad players who intercepted him. Pushing your teammates to make you better, now that’s smart.

Matt Hasselbeck is starting another NFL game. By the time you read this, the game will have been perpetrated upon the viewing public already, I just hope he lives to go back to his wife (and my ex-girlfriend – Elizabeth).

Greg Hardy … I don’t know what the right mechanism is to keep this monster out of the NFL, but I really wish he wasn’t in the league. The Dallas Cowboys are not a likeable team, but employing this unrepentant abusive bully is a bridge too far for me. I will be actively rooting against this team as long as he is employed by Dallas.

The Jacksonville Jaguars battle the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this weekend. If only the Miami Dolphins could be choppered in for a “Florida Style Battle Royale of Horrible, Horrible Teams.” Winner gets to leave the state … And never come back!

Err … I better save that joke until I actually get out of Cape Kennedy.

So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT gin.

About Bet Bot

nitially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (Who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life. The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT … is a dame’s job.”