Tuesday - Jan 26, 2021

Home / Uncategorized / Thanks babe, please don’t leave me.

Thanks babe, please don’t leave me.

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What you’ve got here is a dwarf pine tree in the back of a New York City taxi. If you think the picture is kinda fuzzy, you should try the reception on the $400 phone I shot it with. As I was riding home with my apartment-sized Christmas Tree (after 3 cab-jackings, 1 attempted cab-jack, a few odd looks, and one cabbie who flat out waved me off) it occurred to me that fantasy teams are like Christmas Trees.

You start with just the tree, your early round picks, which is what the rest of your team hangs on. After waiting a few hours to let things fall, you start putting on some garland and ornaments to fill it out. Maybe towards the end you grab a few candy canes for a couple of bucks that maybe you’ll enjoy later on, maybe you’ll just toss them, or maybe you’ll bite in with reckless abandon and chip a tooth.

So you’ve got this tree, it’s kinda heavy, maybe a bit unstable, but otherwise pretty nice. You dress it up, water it, and it sheds some needles to injury and what not now and then — some of which will hide in your couch or chair just to annoy you 8 months later when you’re drafting again. If you don’t take care of it, it’ll be dead and bare on the big day, but if things go well, you’ll happily plunder it in victory and toss it out the window some time in January (Happy Tjugondaknut!).

If you’re a dynasty owner, I guess you would have an artificial tree. It’s not as sexy but fairly stable. You simply put it away at the end of the season, but you wind up enduring the same ugly gaps year after year. And particularly with these dynasty trees, your wife

really hates it.

Like my vertically-challenged tree, non-artificial relationships also need care and attention. Now I know stats are usually my gig, and I do have some plans for weekly stuff next season but, in the forum here, complaints about wives and fantasy football are about as common as referees and Patriot games. I’d like to keep seeing all of you coming back and happily married / engaged / attached / anatomically correct (token statistical reference: despite the rise of fantasy football, the CDC reports that national divorce and “male dismemberment” rates continue to decline). With that in mind, I’ve prepared a letter for you personalize and give to your significant other along with everything else you’ve got in store this December.  Enjoy and good luck.

Dear Babe/Honey/Mistress,

It’s almost the end of the football season, and my fantasy leagues are wrapping up, so I’d like to take a moment to thank you. I know it hasn’t been easy.

First, I’m sorry I didn’t see you in August, drafts and all. I’m sorry I spent half my vacation time again, and the only hint that I was around was from bad hygiene. On the bright side, it paid off, and I did pretty well this season. Better that I stink for just a couple of weeks than a few months.

Once that was over, thanks for putting up with me every week. Thank you for

not reminding me that the refs can’t hear me, or that I could just mute Tony Kornheiser. And thanks for pretending to be impressed while I spout my superior football knowledge at you and everyone around me. And thank you for not interrupting me those six times a week while I’m managing my team. And thank you for not kicking me out of bed (again) for impersonating John Madden.

Then there’s the forum. Please don’t hate the forum. For starters, if you think I’m bad, there’s this one guy who posts about 50 messages a day!

[Note: Sorry DZ, gotta take one for the team here.] Besides, it’s not what you think. It’s more than just football and fart jokes, and I hardly make fun of you at all.

Take game day, for example. I’m there, going back and forth from the couch to the computer, writing messages. If not for the forum, I’d be out with my real life friends running up a bar tab and flirting with the waitresses. Instead, I’m at home drinking at a fraction of the cost. And instead of those pools at the office or the bar, I’ve been gambling with play money all season. The forum just makes economic sense.

I’ve also learned a lot this season, like rodent control, cooking, and healthcare (all unrelated). There’s been science, religion, even current events and politics — the General Tank there has really filled the gap since the Daily Show has been in re-runs. Just the other day I learned about some cold remedy causing all kinds of crazy nerve problems! The forum is educational, and just may have saved my life.

Next season, I’d like to make things better. I’m thinking about dropping a league or two, which will help, but I’d like to do more. Maybe we can watch a game or two together. So long as you can keep it down to a few questions each quarter, I’ll explain how things work. Even if you don’t watch the games, maybe you can try fantasy football, even if it’s just us two. You put up with my handicap, so I’ll spot you a handicap of 20 points or so. We can even play for prizes each week — preferably the kind of prize where we both win, that they don’t let us talk about on the forum (which is still off-limits).

Anyway, thanks for letting me enjoy another football season. It’s almost over. Apart from the off-season poker games, I’m all yours until May.

[Note: Fantasy Baseball players, you’re on your own!]

Love/Thanks/Please don’t leave me,


For use only in mildly irritated spouses with a sense of humor. Side effects may include nausea, rash, constipation, and divorce.

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