Sunday - Jan 17, 2021

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The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin – Preseason II

Here I am in my bungalow and I am saddened by the fact that I cannot come up with the right words needed to introduce my wife to a Fantasy Sharks Thong. Any suggestions Virgin fans?  In the end its all irrelevant.  Please, virgins, veterans, and the rest of you with the audacity to come to this article.  Please say a small prayer for the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina.  The lesson learned from this blameless natural disaster is that all of us are driven to humility when confronted with Mother Nature.  So what to talk about this week?  Well I have on my list of things to do…lets see here…ahhh…think thong-ish thoughts and prepare for the Cromwell Demolition Draft extravaganza!  I will lead you through my Boy Scout attitude.  There’s a reason why their motto is Be Prepared!  Take for instance this website.  It helps you meet that motto with zeal.

Information Is The Avenue You Must Drive Down

Now, since gas prices have gone up to over $3.00 a gallon in like 4 hours, your mode of transportation may not resemble that Hummer getting 8 miles to the gallon my friends, but you must drive nonetheless.  So what to do?  You send a simple note to the person running your league.  Say something like this…”The Fantasy Sharks Virgin has asked me to ask you what the scoring system is in our league.  Please point me to the place where the scoring system is or you will be considered a loser.  Thanks.”  After you register for this site (if you haven’t already), take that information and click on My Fantasy Football Home —à Edit My Scoring System.  Next enter in all the information associated with the scoring system in your league. Click the You’re your Scoring System Button.  Now click on Player Projections, click on Quarterback and voila, based upon last year’s stats, the ranking of Quarterbacks come up on your screen.  Now continue through all the positions and take that information to your melon.  That is last year’s results and just like the stock market, past results do not a future make.  Next print out the Printable Custom Cheat Sheet.  Now, and this is the brilliant part about,  see what the heck the people who have been doing this for awhile do when they have to pick.  That means going to the Player Analysis page.  These three references will bring you harmony toward your selection.  This is the information highway at its very best for you.  The information is convenient, quick, and no better than that hairy-backed guy who wins your league every year.  You just didn’t have to work so hard.  But this is only setting yourself up for the very best you can do with the information you have.  Now comes the execution part.

The Execution

Be weary, fellow virgins, veterans, and others who don’t want to fit in to either category.  The draft is a mistress of folly.  Filled with good intentions, the results can leave you laughing in the streets or groaning in the aisles.  Scour the team’s websites of the top 30 players in each RB/WR/QB position.  That means 90 players and make sure they are not injured.  Pick the best TE and Defensive team after you have two Running Backs, two Wide Receivers, and two Quarterbacks.  Next map out a strategy of picks based upon points/player analysis/printable custom cheat sheet or some combination thereof.  Take a deep breath and … GO!

The Aftermath

The aftermath is your team.  Enter this team in to the following place on this website.  Go to My Fantasy Football Home –à Edit My Players and enter your players in.  Now you can take advantage of my next article.  My next article will go in to the steps needed to select the team you will play that week.  Go off and be merry, because projection tools are suspect and reality is a harsh mistress.  Somewhere in between is the rest of us who will flounder based upon luck, happenstance, and a good intro-line about thongs.  Fantasy Shark Thongs, to be specific.

Master D.


Tim can now be reached at and welcomes your opinions on the Diary of a Fantasy Virgin Articles.

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