Monday - May 20, 2019

Home / Commentary / The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin : Preseason Part II

The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin : Preseason Part II

Yes indeed, it is a new year here at Fantasy Sharks, and my second article is always about “back to fantasy football writing work”, shopping for my lovely wife Jill, followed by the way I use the Fantasy Sharks website to my advantage. I have decided to get a gift appropriate for all women. It is a pair of Boxer Shorts. Now, when combined with the Fantasy Sharks Fantasy Sharks thong from, oh those many years ago, my friends, you’ve got yourself an outfit free of VPL (Visible Panty Lines!).

Just let me remind everyone that the thong is made in the United States. So buy four! As usual, I have on my list of things to do here the Cromwell Demolition draft. That is coming up on September 3rd at 7 p.m. It really is a hootenanny. So, try to be like the scouts and be prepared. I will help you utilize this website to make your first game a walk in the park. But as usual, I have some random musings from the summer that was, virgin style.

The Summer Of The Olympics

The highlight of this summer had to be the Olympics from London. I briefly mentioned it in the last article but after some serious musing, the Olympics were by far the highlight of an otherwise sleepy Summer. Every person I spoke with watched the Olympics every evening.

A traditional day during the Olympics went as follows. Before you leave work, check out who won all the big medals that day. Then watch it unfold that evening. Knowing the results did not deter anyone to whom I spoke. The results only seemed to enhance the events. I do not understand this behavior, but it was very common amongst everyone watching this year.

The highlight for myself was the self-aggrandizement display known as the 100-meter sprint. The winner of this event gets to brag for four years that they are the fastest man in the world. In my life, it entered my conscience in 1984. And yes, fans, it was Jesse Owens winning that same 100-meter event in 1936 in Berlin, Germany. The fascination has been palpable across continents and eras.

Usain Bolt won the 100-meter, and although it was not a world record, there are some startling facts in his achievement. As everyone knows, he started at 0 mph but his time suggested he averaged a little over 23 mph. What does that mean? That means for a little bit, Bolt hit around 30 mph. Yes folks, he could get pulled over for speeding in a school zone. He was that fast.

It only happens every four years and for some reason everyone I knew was all in. Were you?

The summer of the Olympics. This is far removed from last year and the summer of the debt ceiling. The prediction last year was that we would be still speaking of the government and the economy. These are important, yes, but it illuminates that fatigue is ever present and bad news melts away in the face of distraction.

No time for distraction now fellow Virgins. Now is time to get your act together. I know this may be repetitive to some fans, but it bears repeating. Here’s a reminder on how to get your act together and form your fantasy football team.

In The Beginning…

Begin by sending a simple note to the person running your league. Say something like this… ”The Fantasy Sharks Virgin has asked me to ask you what the scoring system is in our league. Please point me to the place where the scoring system is or you will be considered a low-rent fantasy football commissioner. Thanks.” After you register for this site (if you haven’t already), take that information and follow these steps.

Go to My Fantasy Football Home – “Edit My Scoring System.” Next, enter in all the information associated with the scoring system in your league. Now click on “Player Projections,” click on “Quarterback” under 2012 projections, and voila, based upon this year’s projections and your league’s scoring system, the ranking of quarterbacks come up on your screen. Now continue through all the positions. Next, print out the Printable Custom Cheat Sheet. Now, and this is the brilliant part about, see what the heck the people who have been doing this for a while do when they have to pick. That means going to the 2012 All Positions Predictions page. These three references will bring you harmony toward your selection.

The information is convenient, quick and current. It is information all to yourself, and when you combine the All Positions Predictions page with your custom Scoring System, you are ahead of most. Running through the Fantasy Streets of Pamplona with nary a scratch.

It beats talking to that nerdy guy who drove a Scirocco and stares at you with that one googly eye. You know. He is the same dude that wins several leagues every year and brags about it openly. Yikes! You just didn’t have to work so hard for this information. All you had to do is register on this site. Remember my friends, this is only setting yourself up for the very best you can do with the information you have. Now comes the execution part.

The Execution

Be forewarned, fellow virgins, veterans, and others who don’t want to fit in to either category. The draft is a mistress of folly. Filled with good intentions, the results can leave you laughing in the streets or groaning in the aisles. Scour the team’s websites of the Top 30 players in each running back/wide receiver/quarterback position. That means 90 players, and make sure they are not injured. Pick the best tight end (unless Rob Gronkowski is available) and defensive team after you have three or four running backs, two or three wide receivers, and one or two quarterbacks. Next, map out a strategy of picks based upon points/player analysis/printable custom cheat sheet or some combination thereof. Take a deep break and … go!

The Aftermath

The aftermath is your team. Enter this team in to the following place on this website. Go to “My Fantasy Football Home” –Edit My Players” and enter your players in. For those returning to this area from last year, you can get a proper look at your team from last year and say goodbye. Now you can take advantage of my next article. My next article will go in to the steps needed to select the team you will play that week. Go off and be merry, because projection tools are evil and reality is a long walk off a short board. Your team will change so much due to injury, craziness, trades and dumb luck that your next week may not resemble this moment in time. But you have a friend to shepherd you through the valley of players. All of us are alone. We might as well reach out and get through it together. My diary article talks about the happiest place on earth.

Dear Diary

There are times that I am lucky and times that I feel lucky. Today I am feeling lucky again. The reason is because I survived running another marathon in January. I suffered through this one because of an injury and it resulted in a time that was roughly 13 minutes slower than the year before. The longest I ran in 2010 training for the marathon in January was 20 miles. The longest I ran in 2011 due to injury was only 15. So I got by on luck, guile and P90x for my rehab.

I did not feel like myself again until April 13, which was a month earlier than last year but very disconcerting nonetheless. Less than 1/10th of 1 percent of the world population ever finishes a marathon. It roughly gets smaller as well, because the population is growing. It is probably something on your “bucket” list and something to try just once. The discipline it takes just to finish in five hours is amazing and you will get to know a side of your body that you may be unfamiliar with.

Be true to yourself and think outside the four corners of the sheet of blank paper in front of you. Be wary of your habits and appearance, for over time these become a part of you and they are difficult to shake. At some point they are imperceptible from your real self and who you purport yourself to be.

And by all means always feel lucky if you have your health. It is something that I understand more and more the older I get. So here is to health and marathons. And here is to the upcoming draft. I wonder what my team will look like?

That is next week’s article.

Master D.

Tim can now be reached at and welcomes your opinions on the “Diary of a Fantasy Virgin” articles or advice to help out your fantasy football team.

About Fantasy Sharks began in 2003, disseminating fantasy football content on the web for free. It is, or has been, home to some of the most talented and best known fantasy writers on the planet. Owned and operated by Tony Holm (5 time Fantasy Sports Writer Association Hall-of-Fame nominee,) Tony started writing fantasy content in 1993 for the only three fantasy football web sites in existence at the time.