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The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin – Preseason Part II

Hello, astute fans and newbies.  The Virgin is back, it must be August and the hills are alive…with the sound of Football!  Enough Von Trappe por vous eh?  Well, it is true, the Virgin has come back to help everyone with their pious picks.  The Virgin will write three pre-season articles this year.  This is article two.  After speaking with my editor…who just so happened to be my college roommate for three years, he suggested that I pen down a character piece to let you know all about the Virgin articles.  Well, here it is.  The Diary is a two-part story.  A fantastical tale filled with adventure and intrigue.  Actually it is all about a fantasy football participant exploiting knowledge, luck and happenstance and humbly conveying it all to you the reader.  And to you I state a wholehearted welcome.  Welcome to the Diary of the Fantasy Virgin.  I offer advice and allegory.  Where else can you get a parallel universe replete with plots from the era of sea-worthy tales?  All of the tales may be tall, but they represent you, the most excellent reader.  And you are on the best Fantasy Football site ever!  So here it goes. The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin is a two-part tale. 

The First Part

The first part is my infinite, albeit limited, wisdom in Fantasy Football and how the week went.  You see I am just as vulnerable as the next Fantasy Football participant.  I, like you, squirm at the first games that first full week of September.  Will my picks work out? Will my players perform? So many questions and the results are usually horrid and you get to see me live out each week live and in person with these Virgin Chronicles.  I pen down the frustration of the week.  In fact, I so much live the life of a Fantasy Virgin that I supplement the frustration through allegory.  Yes, my friends, I re-enact my week through an allegorical tale that currently portrays itself as an 18th century crew aboard a vessel in the lower Atlantic Ocean like the Lesser Antilles or the West Indies.  This represents the second part.

The Second Part

So, you have survived your draft!  Have you survived the virgin?  Welcome to the World of the Fantasy Virgin as told by the second part of the Virgin Chronicles.  The principal characters will lead you on a mythological journey replete with fantastical characters and principals that allegorically represent you, the fan.  I want to take this time to humbly thank you for your continued patronage and your willingness to allow the Virgin to Live on through the characters that visit us every week.  I am going to take some time to introduce them to you so when you are in the full “ACTION” of the season, they will have some meaning.

The Captain

The Captain leads off the verse and prose with the telling of the tale.  The Captain is actually YOU!  The Captain represents every Fantasy Football participant that particular week.  The Captain selects the “Crew” to ride the ship and swab the deck.  In other words, if the quarterback has a rough performance; the Captain would state…”It was a tough day on the seas, Messr. Pennin’ton d’ Chad looked like he longed for a comfortable bed with a tall cool drink and all of it was not to be!”  “His arm hath becomest a liability as the Jets D’ New York floundered did little to win the battle of the week!”  The Captain is brutally honest and dispenses philosophical prose ensconced with a humble dose of reality.

Ships Mate, Artemis

The ships mate is a valuable asset on the high seas.  After taking direction from the Captain, the ships mate is responsible for delivering on the requests of the Captain.  Artemis’ role as the ships mate is mainly that of a reporter and statistician reporting to the Captain how the crew worked the poop deck.  Artemis also acts as an intelligent interpreter of the mythological obstacles that are found along the journey.

The Boatswain

The boatswain is the person you take aboard your vessel when it is listing and needs repair.  If the Virgin starts losing, a stop will be made at an atoll for a boatswain and their greedy smile will bore into the various players and all will be made whole.  The boatswain repairs the vessel and identifies the period of time that the vessel will be in a state of disrepair.  The boatswain is actually the despair you feel after losing 5 in a row.

The Voodoo Woman – Mawu

Every team needs hope and luck.  Mawu represents hope amongst all of us.   Mawu is a voodoo woman in the world before the Catholicism identified voodoo like that James Bond “Live and Let Die” 7-Up guy religion.  It is an intimidating religion that has no pretense and does not use the scare tactics to make the team aware of what is going on.  The voodoo woman is needed when things go askew.  Sometimes it is askew and other times it isn’t.  Usually, we acquire Mawu after a four or five week losing streak into the season and we have a hard time letting her go.

Forgotten Bay

The port of call that everyone comes to for pre-season Ales and Meads and the ceremonial draft is called Forgotten Bay.   It is where the cadre of several Captains hang out at places like Le Chien d’ Salty for briny water and high spirits.

Captain’s Log – 8-18-2004 – 11:00 PM

The port of call that everyone comes to for pre-season Ales and Meads and the ceremonial draft is called Forgotten Bay.   Now where have I heard that before?  In actuality, I am a lonely and weary traveler coming down from the high country.  The time between the last challenge of last season and this late summer just before fall is a time where I live the life of a respected gentleman earning my living through investments made over time.  The interest is what keeps the estate and provides for the HMS Demolition.  My current interest is to continue my hobby in the late summer, fall, and early winter and come out victorious at the end of the season. 

What the crew and Artemis see is a veneer.  My character is that of a sea-going chap light in the gray matter and always filled with a couple of arrghs.  Actually, I do so enjoy the adventures aboard the HMS Demolition that I yearn for this time where I travel by coach from the high country into Forgotten Bay.

Forgotten Bay is called that because we have to be fools not to remember the pain from the previous year’s adventures on the high seas.  Haughty, contemptuous, lascivious, and downright lewd could be the words used to describe this peninsula, their inhabitants and the clientele.  It is a staging point where all Captains and First Mates get together to strategize the draft.  The boatswain come also come to drool over the money to be had from our misfortune.  The draft is so important that it could take a few weeks!  So as the coach arrives, my attire is that of a Captain aboard the high seas and my pen has to go back to the artifice that keeps my spirits keen and my blood boiling.

I turned the corner and in the pale light of a demure dusk hung the rickety broken floorboard with Le Chien d’ Salty scribbled on it in white paint.  It is where Artemis and I gather.  From behind me came … “Tain’t much of a hole but the ale sure is fine eh Captain”  “Artemis!” I exclaimed…”You old scallywag, How was Yur time off?”.  Artemis went into a long diatribe about his mythical monsters studies and how this year was going to be different.  He stated,”The obstacles will be manageable and the boatswains will be penniless for once.”  That Artemis, always filled with hope.  I guess that is what you need in this business.  I told him there was always Mawu and his eyes sparkled.  “Yeah, that Mawu was somethin’ else sir”.  I let him know that he doesn’t have to call me sir until we are on board the Demolition with our crew.

We entered that Salty Dog (Frenchmen are so apoplectic when it comes to their words) and ordered a few biers a la pression in local style pale ale and they catered to our whim.  We’ve been coming to the dog for years and the owners know our intentions.   We made our way to an antechamber and slipped into a nook and strategized our crew selections.

It was good to see Artemis and even some of the boatswain.  For the new season is upon us and all good men and women who make provisions for their vessel are due for some high seas hi-jinks and maybe even some shenanigans.  But every year is different.  Every week is different.  Every draft is different.  May good luck come to your crew for the next time we check in, it will be shove off time aboard the Demolition and our crew will be pulling together the finest ship in the Antilles. 

And that evening the biggest moon came over Forgotten Bay and it shut out all but the brightest stars as we rested in a local inne.  But no one slept this night.  We told tales of glories past and laughed until we were crying ourselves silly.  It was really good to be back in this lost place…Forgotten Bay. 

Master D.

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FantasySharks.com began in 2003, disseminating fantasy football content on the web for free. It is, or has been, home to some of the most talented and best known fantasy writers on the planet. Owned and operated by Tony Holm (5 time Fantasy Sports Writer Association Hall-of-Fame nominee,) Tony started writing fantasy content in 1993 for the only three fantasy football web sites in existence at the time.