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The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin – Week 1

Week one is just too unpredictable.  I say it every year and I will say it again.  However this year, since I have other stuff to write about, I will not bore you with a whole paragraph on the subject.  So this week, I will be talking about picking the right lineup and the results of week 1. Ah yes, the Captain will have his fair shake as well.  On to helping you pick the right team.

Do Not Succumb To Monday Morning QB Syndrome

“I should have played Bettis.  I picked him up cheap in the 7th round, left him on the bench and he got 18 points on 1 yard rushing.”  Stop talking to yourself like that!  “Why did I not start him?” That is the question by many “Monday” morning Fantasy Football quarterbacks.  If I went with the lineup that scored the most every week, I would win.  However, your opponent is experiencing the same consternation.  It only hurts because the draft makes it equally random after the first two rounds.  Every team has a stud player that will deliver in the clutch.  Sometimes it’s that defense, or lousy offense in the red zone which causes too many field goals.  Isn’t so ironic that sometimes a team has to be bad for you to be good?  But this is the sorry state of affairs of Fantasy Football.  This is why Fantasy Football is so great!  It would be boring if the great players performed well all the time.  It is designed to keep you on your toes.  So as an owner you need a strategy.  I will give you mine and I am not ashamed of it at all.

Why Do I Lose By Just One Or Two Missed Players?

Your Fantasy Football team wins if your starting team has more points at the end of the weekend than your opponent.  As profound as that doesn’t sound it becomes that simple.  A great bench doesn’t win it.  But knowledge is power and I am here to help.  If you lost this week, let me assist you with a strategy that will at least give you a fair shot.  All you want is a fair shot in this game.  Before this technique, I was the Postmaster General for the town named clueless, population 3, me, myself and I! So Here are 8 steps to a better starting lineup. 

8 Steps To A Better Fantasy Football Starting Lineup

(1)   Register At It’s Free! (Shameless Plug)

(2)   Go to  My Fantasy Home and Edit My Players link

(3)   Select all of your players and get them in the engine

(4)   After Thursday AM Go To My Fantasy Home and Fantasy Sharks Lineup Coach

(5)   Change all your players to that team…now!

(6)   Here is the fine tune that helps out … Check out Tony Holm’s prognosticator

(7)   If any of your second string (WR/TE/QB/K/RB) are on a hot offense, you may want to consider switching.  For example Isaac Bruce’s St. Louis Rams passing was higher rated in week 1 than Santana Moss’ NY Jets according to the prognosicator.  I started Bruce and he had more points than Moss.

(8)   Do that until you are satisfied with your selections

Now, just relax, you did your best.  That is all you can hope for.  If you are winning, great, but if you are like the other ½ this week, stuff like this may help.  Now this is just a starter, message boards and all other fine writers on this site will help you.  But you must begin in the beginning.  Speaking of which…how did your first week go?  Mine was, well I’ve three words for you Ah…Man…Bad.

Beliefs That You Will Win Are Sometimes…Just Beliefs

So, I am up by 20 points and all my opponent has is Ahman Green going on Monday Night against the run-lite defense of Carolina.  30% less yards allowed than your average run defense.   Last year, Carolina only allowed three 100-yard rushers.  They averaged giving up the fewest points in the league on the run. got them to the Big Game last year against the Pats.  So 18 points will definitely happen, but 20…no way!  It is not happening at all.  It is not…hap—hey wait a second, was that a touchdown?  Another?  On the run? By Mr. Green.  Stop running. Why can’t Brett just throw some more? Arrghh! I can just now go to bed because that defense of Carolina just superbly stunk!  So week one was leaving Bettis on the bench and watching Ahman Green run silly all over my back side.  That is why they play the games.  Lets see what the Captain thinks.

Captain’s Log – 9-13-2004 – 11:00 PM

The Demolition was resplendent with bunting and our grand departure left all the ladies wailing and the boatswain grinning.  They would be getting’ their fair share soon enough.  “Artemis…what we got?” I asked Artemis about our first obstacle and he stated that it looked to be a large rotational storm off the port bow.  I asked him if they had named the storm and all I got was … Hurricane Ahman.  “A storm!” I exclaimed to the crew.  “A Typhoon!” I lept out of my skin.  “No Cyclonic Devil has gotten the bes’ of me and I shan’t let it be the denouement of we!”  After several vacant stairs, I shouted to the crew “Man the rigging! I am stearing us clear!”   But a funny thing happened with this Ahman fella.  He was suppose to be a wee tropical storm, a little fella,  but he quickly amassed to a Cat 5’er and blew and blew and blew.  We had all we could do to keep the Demolition afloat and after a near miss, Ahman had a 2nd half and gave us the what for and the crew, although valiant in their own right was not enough.  And all that was left after Ahman departed were broken masts and broken hearts.  We had lost the first week and all I could sense was the very faint waft of the boatswain’s pungent aftershave.  Still very faint…but there nonetheless.

Master D.

Tim can now be reached at and welcomes your opinions on the Diary of a Fantasy Virgin Articles.

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