Friday - Apr 19, 2019

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The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin – Week 3

So, you thought this was going to be a fun game?  Let us just gather some offensive-minded players from the National Football League and join a fantasy team.  It is no big deal, right?  My husband, wife, friend, relative, roommate from college, etc. sucked me into what is now an evil vortex and I can’t score and my team now needs a map to find the end zone!  Breath…in and out…everything is going to be fine…or will it?

The Injury Will Take You

So you are ready for another week of fantasy football.  In the past week, your mainstay RB, the guy who gets you 26-30 points a week is in the game and it is very early.  So you are smiling and decide to slake your thirst with a mind quenching drink.  I like Grapefruit juice, with that pectin and the bitter aftertaste.  I can feel it in my ears.  Any drink you can feel in your ears cannot be all that bad.  And then you hear the name from the announcer.  What was that?  It cannot be. It goes something like “Oh no, lets go to the sideline report from Mr./Ms./Mrs. Fantastic!  What is exactly going on?”  The answer goes something like…”The running back for (your team) has been taken to the locker room and it is not know when he will be back”.  Your brain does a quick Uh-Oh.

The Injury Will Fake You

All is not lost!  I will call on the other members of the team to have bigger than life days.  I know the defense will perform.  The QB is going to come through.  The other team will not know the meaning of the word loss.  All of this is a meaningless chatter resembling squirrel talk between the ears.  Yet you believe it because you have to have hope.

The Injury Will Break You

All is lost!  Dial-up that “L” on your forehead.  The loss was probably by more than the 30 points your RB would have gotten you.  Everyone must be tired, having a bad hair day, or even worse, getting singled out by defensive schemes.  No!  Why bad hair day?  Why defensive schemes?  Why didn’t everyone come to play?  The randomness comes back to haunt you and now you are more confused than ever.  The captain of the HMS Comwell Demolition has a story to tell this week about the experience.

Captain’s Log – 09-23-2003 – 11:00 PM

The third obstacle was lurkin’ about the waters and I was looking for it in me spyglass.  I had gotten this bejeweled beauty in the Lesser Antilles from a one legged former ships cookie.  He said he got that way for feeding the captain a bad stew.  This was followed immediately by his feeding to a hungry shark after walkin’ the plank for “High Sea Stew Transgressions”.  He had the spyglass in his pocket and beat the beast back only after it took one of his legs into its gullet for sustenance.  Arrgh!  Now that is a spyglass story to be having…me thinks when I bought this.  Then suddenly, I gets a tug from the Ships Mate, Artemus.  “Cant’s find Monsieur Henry d’ Travis”, he stated to me.  And you thinks me English be all-awry. When I pester him for more information, he explained to me the Monsieur Henry d’ Travis of the Bills d’ Buffalo had gone below the poop deck for observation and was doubtful for navigation duties around the third obstacle.  What?  It cannot be!  Why is there the need for observation?  There was no time to rebuff Artemus because the third obstacle appeared off the starboard bow.  It was a Kraken grabbing the bow of the ship and chewing on it like Artemus masticates his dried and cured meats.  Who could not like dried and cured meats?  We quickly activated a team of harpoon mavens and beat the beast back but only after sustaining much damage.  Our record was 1 – 2 and it was not looking good for the rest of the voyage.  We limped toward an atoll named the Waiver Wire to rest up and retool.  Observation is the least of my worries, I thought to myself as we bailed out parts of the ship leaking from the Kraken’s furry.  This is not an omen of goodness to come.  Maybe the Waiver Wire will divulge some worthy conscripts for the fourth obstacle.

Master D.

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FantasySharks.com began in 2003, disseminating fantasy football content on the web for free. It is, or has been, home to some of the most talented and best known fantasy writers on the planet. Owned and operated by Tony Holm (5 time Fantasy Sports Writer Association Hall-of-Fame nominee,) Tony started writing fantasy content in 1993 for the only three fantasy football web sites in existence at the time.