Tuesday - Apr 23, 2019

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The Diary of a Fantasy Virgin – Week 4

What does victory taste like?  When you start the year 0-3 and you have only one RB, it tastes like La Grand Damme.  That stuff is so good, for you champagne haters, I guarantee a conversion albeit for just one sip.  Now mind you we are talking $150 – $250 a bottle depending upon the year so it better be good.  And just winning once is good enough for me.  Lets start out with the week that was. Running Backs anyone?

Get Your Backup Running Backs Here!

I believe anonymous said “Necessity is the mother of invention”.  And there is a Schoolhouse Rock cartoon that starts off “Mother Necessity, where would we be?”  It goes one but for some folks out there, I just created a mirth-filled toothy grin.  I know we learned stuff from that Schoolhouse Rock, but it just struck such a weird chord with my generation.  I can sing every song and smile.  Oh well, back to the story at hand.  As you know I need a Running Back so what do you do?  You look at every team with a Running Back and pickup the backup.  I do not have Curtis Martin my friends, I have Derrick Blaylock.  I do not have Tiki Barber, I have Brandon Jacobs.  I am not the lucky one with Willie Parker, I have Duce Staley.  I dropped two injured players out the rest of the season and now I may have a legitimate shot at getting points by going with Duce.  I will let you know how that experiment goes.  I wish I had an inkling as to who the injury will happen to and who the backup will be that emerges, but I do not.  So I will play this by ear.  Speaking of ear and hearing, rumor has it a victory occurred this week.

A Victory!

A victory happened from the unlikeliest people on the team and a little luck.  On Monday morning, my team was tied with my one WR to go against a K and the DST.  My Donald Driver went up against Ryan Longwell and the Defense of the Carolina Panthers.  Luckily, Green Bay took so long to get into the game that only one extra point was made and Donald Driver was the main target and as Green Bay got closer in score, the Carolina Defense buckled.  Buckling and not breaking may win the game, but in Fantasy Football, 352 yards is too many yards and yields only a few points.  Even though this is a victory and it may be my only one, I humbly move forward into the next week with all of my “issues”.  I am going to need a break and until that time, I fear more losses than wins.  I did want to add a Diary Entry this week.  It is the Diary of the Fantasy Virgin now isn’t it?

Dear Diary

In the last week I had the privilege and the honor of attending the UCONN vs. Army Football game at West Point.  It was a privilege because I got to visit with my brother-in-law and his family.  He is now a teacher at West Point after serving a year in IRAQ.  It was an honor because of the pageantry that comes with an Army game. 

Skydivers land in the center of the stadium 5 minutes before the start of the game.  They swoop by so close; you can see the emblems on their uniforms if you are at East end of the Stadium.  There are many specialized Army cheers and the freshman (Plebes) and sophomores sit in one corner of the stadium.  These cadets come dressed in uniform and their energy was palpable for I sat only one section behind them. 

There were shenanigans and food tossing amongst the cadets throughout the game.  From ridiculing the very weak UCONN chearleader push-ups to specialty cheers that have been going on for decades, it made for a visually appealing scene.  And the female cheerleaders on the Army side did elevated push-ups that made the UCONN cheerleaders look, well wimpy.  

The Army game may have been a loss by the third quarter for the Army faithful, but with the UCONN team at the far end of the field about to score, the UCONN cheerleading squad at that end of the field because the pushups are done in the end-zone your team scored at, that only left the UCONN cheerleading coach.  It just so happens at this time, the UCONN cheerleading coach was being entertained by the cheerleading coach from Army in some form of military détente. 

Now mysteriously at this time, two UCONN megaphones disappeared from the UCONN sideline and later magically reappeared in the cadet section.  The white megaphone with the UCONN emblem strikingly offset the cadet army fatigues and even though the game was lost, the ensuing combination of pleas by the UCONN cheerleaders to the Military Police and the eventual return of the Megaphones made for delightful theatre.  It was as if this was not the first time this had happened nor would it be the last. 

The Army team had a buff Mule Mascot with sewn in ripped abs and arms and a Black Knight that reminded me of the Scooby Doo Black Knight but in a much more appealing way because this one had a cape.  And I know that movie The Incredibles dissed the cape and it was humorous, however this black cape and Black Knight outfit was professional.  There were live Mules with blonde Colored A’s on the Animals backside and there were cannons fired at the end of each quarter across the water and inside whenever Army scored.  I still jumped even though I knew it was coming. 

The best part was that the game was sold out and proud Army cadet parents were sprinkled amongst the crowd talking about how they have to purchase more Army stuff from the student Co-Op.  It was an All-American Day that everyone should experience and I wholeheartedly recommend.  Hey, this Saturday, its Army hosting Central Michigan, you should check it out, really.  The rain will make it only more appealing.  There must be rain shenanigans that occur.

 Master D.

Tim can now be reached at tdavoll@fantasysharks.com and welcomes your opinions on the Diary of a Fantasy Virgin Articles.

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