Thursday - Jan 21, 2021

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The Last Row

The Eagles must win the Super Bowl this year.


Philadelphia is a football town. More specifically, it is a pro football town, the Eagles own this place. We love the Eagles. If you listen to the local sports talk station – no matter the month, there is a good chance that the Eagles will be discussed. The Phillies, Flyers and Sixers all get their due, but for the last ten years, especially – the Eagles have our hearts and minds. Well, hearts anyway. If you think too much about the Eagles recent history, you’ll go quickly insane, not as insane as Sam Neill in ‘In the Mouth of Madness’, but pretty insane.


Yes, it is very much a love/hate relationship. Our fair city’s collective heart has been broken many times, not only by the Eagles, but also by all four major professional sports franchises. Oh, and a horse too. Smarty, Smarty, Smarty…In the end though, if there is a glimmer of hope, we are all willing to get on board with one of the teams making a run at a championship. For the last 21 years, that willingness to get involved in a team’s run has ended in heartache. The last major championship in the City of Brotherly Love was the Sixers in 1983.


1983. What a great year for music. What a great year for movies involving Ewoks (well, that’s a reach). 1983 – the last time Philadelphia hosted a champion in one of the four major sports. 21 x 4 = 84. If you think of each season as a year, it’s been 84 sporting years since Philadelphia won a championship. One thing we Philadelphia fans know, it’s how to properly hate. And to really hate, it’s best to make it personal, so we have given the streak a proper name – Mr. Brownstone. Mr. Brownstone is a nasty old man, and it’s time to euthanise him.


84 years of futility, no it’s worse than futility, because with futility – there is a constant sense of hopelessness. In Philadelphia, we love getting our hopes up. There is always a little voice warning us that we are setting ourselves up for heartache with each championship run. Most of us acknowledge the voice, and then jump off the cliff, anyway. Then our team gets beaten.


After the championship is lost, the grieving process begins with a hearty round of “I knew it…I told you so”.  Don’t confuse us with fans that love losing. Don’t confuse us with Cubs fans, or Red Sox fans (sorry Sox/Cubs fans, the rest of us think you love never winning it all). No, when a Philadelphia team comes close and loses, true misery envelops the area for at least a week afterwards.


Like the proverbial mustard seed (really, it’s a proverb), hope grows very quickly in the cold, hard earth of a Philadelphia fan’s heart. When we crash, it’s ugly. If you have ever been to a game in Philadelphia, especially an Eagles game, you know how ugly we can be. In a future column we will break down some of the ugly moments the Last Row has witnessed at the Vet first hand, but not everything you have heard about specific instances at the Vet is true.


So which teams are most likely to kill Mr. Brownstone? Not the Sixers – they are so far away from winning a championship, it’s sickening. The Flyers – maybe, they have the talent on their team right now. There will most likely be a work stoppage in the NHL, and the resolution may be a hard salary cap for hockey, which may decimate the Broad Street Bullies. The Phillies – they don’t have the guts to make the moves needed to win a World Series, they are really frustrating this year.


The Eagles, they have to kill Mr. Brownstone. They should have done it sometime in the last two years. They should have beaten the Bucs two years ago; they should have beaten the Panthers last year. If they had gotten to the Super Bowl two years ago, they would have beaten the Raiders. Maybe they wouldn’t have beaten the Patriots last year, but the Super Bowl was for the taking two years ago. Mr. Brownstone is living on borrowed time. Do you hear us Brownstone?!?! YOU ARE LIVING ON BORROWED TIME!!


So, it’s up to the Eagles. Their window of opportunity is closing. This year, and maybe one more year, but after that this run is over. We are desperate in Philadelphia, and we are more than willing to climb back on for another year of ups and downs with our beloved Eagles. Don’t let us down Eagles…please.


Final Thoughts from The Last Row



·         The movie Monster is an entertaining, disturbing look at the mind of a serial killer. Well acted, and, man, does Charlize Theron not look good. If you want to have some fun with the movie, however, you may want to do the following. Re-imagine the movie with Peppermint Patty and Marcie playing the killers. A scene may go something like this:


          Marcie: Why did you do it, Sir? Why did you kill him?

Peppermint Patty: Marcie, it felt like I couldn’t breathe! And I wanted to see    you again! I did it for you!!

Marcie: That was Pigpen, Sir! Everyone feels like they can’t breathe around him!!

          Peppermint Patty: I sure hope Chuck doesn’t find out about this!


·         Count Chocula – what is his deal? We here in the Last Row are not sure if he is a true vampire who can eat chocolate also, or does he live off of chocolate? And should a creature of the night be someone that kids look up to? Whatever happened to Frankenberry and Boo Berry? What about Fruit Brute (don’t remember him? Look him up…)? Is Fruit Brute like Chuck from Happy Days, where he just disappeared sometime in the mid 70’s never to be heard from again? Perhaps Chocula feasted on him, and General Mills swept the incident under the rug. The Last Row demands an investigation!


·         If ex-Enron chief Ken Lay did 5% of the things he is accused of, he deserves to go to jail for a very long time. However, he has an awesome name!!! Ken Lay, kind of a dirty name…but not too close. Nice job with the name, Kenny Boy!


The Last Row’s Top Six: Funniest Words in the English Language


6. Quagmire

5. Ointment

4. Cud

3. Smuggle

2. Pants

1. Monkey


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