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The Last Row





VERSUS  Redskins


The week didn’t start well. Tom of the Last Row sent an e-mail to the usual tailgating clan (along with two guest stars from the Shark Tank) asking that they bring the following food…


How many people can we expect?


We’re going to park in the same place (Vet lot, by Citizens Bank Park, near the Holiday Inn)…


I hope to get there by 11 AM. And plan on leaving for the game 315 or 330.


Can you bring?


Dolfi – Wherever you got those steaks wrapped in bacon? (If not don’t come)

Me – Case of Beer

MOOCHY/MOOCHY’S FRIEND – case of beer (try to get there by 1…please) and sausage and rolls

Rob – Hamburgers/Rolls

Steve – case of beer

Craney – Wings or sausage and rolls

Ryan – Sausage and rolls

Matt H – Beer and hot dogs/rolls (or just more beer)

Jim (Squid…) – Since you will be joining us later from another tailgate, just bring yourself or steal food from your other tailgate…


>>> “Tom Walls” 11/16/2004 11:12:29 AM >>>



When Tom got the following e-mail back.


Too much food below, I am not bringing sausage and rolls.




Do you believe this? I changed the name of the offender, because he should be ashamed of himself. His real name is not Moochy, but it should be. Is there anything worse than a Tailgate Moocher? No, there isn’t…Wait – actually there is, a Bandwagon Cowboys Fan (see Final Thoughts for more on them), but the next lowest creature in Fandom’s slime scale is a Tailgate Moocher. Now – we should clarify here. Sometimes you may encounter a Tailgate Moocher, but usually it is because they stop by a tailgate for a quick drink or bite, and then are moving onto another tailgate, which is their main tailgate.


Tom took up being the person who asks tailgaters to bring specific things because last year’s tailgates were disorganized messes. At least now, our messes are organized.


To actually plan on being a mooch is awful (how could you even contemplate it?). Look, it’s a stinking pack of sausages and rolls…how much does that cost? Eight bucks? Tops? You would have thought that we asked Moochy to bring the left third of his reproductive troika…Geez.


At the last Eagles home game Moochy and his friend (who went for the first time (Moochy’s Friend, we don’t blame you!!)) enjoyed very good food, and a fine cigar all on someone else’s dime. Now Moochy brought beer, that’s why we ask people to bring stuff – to share. A lot of times, there’s food left over, and assuming the person has a cooler, they take the food back home. Fine.


Now, we don’t know Moochy’s real reason for not spending the $8 or having his friend spend $8. But we doubt it was because he thought the sausage would go to waste…Sorry, we had to get that off our collective chest (chests? Whatever…). If you are going to tailgate, contribute – We are the Last Row, and we endorse this message.


Regular visitors to this excellent site know of the great message boards here at, the Shark Tank. We put out an invite for other Sharks to join us at our tailgate and got a couple of characters to join, Trilogy (Matt) and Squidward (Jim). Besides handing out good fantasy advice, these two are big Eagles fans. A link to some of the pics from the proceedings is here .All had plenty of food and beer. Even Moochy. If you read this article and aren’t a member of the Shark Tank (OK, not likely), join up. It’s free and you will get tons of great fantasy football advice.

(Editor’s Note: Kissing up to your bosses at won’t save your jobs, boys… but a C-note might get me to look the other way for one more week.)


First Five Songs at the Tailgate:


·         Rainbow Connection – Me First and the Gimmee Gimmees

·         American Badass – Kid Rock

·         Wild World – Me First and the Gimmee Gimmees

·         For Whom the Bell Tolls – Metallica (Turns out the bell tolled for the Redskins)

·         The Garden – Guns N Roses


The game itself seemed to be a bit of a mystery to us. The Redskins came in with a highly ranked defense, and a very poor offense. Of course, Patrick Ramsey was the new starter for the Skins, and the Eagles were coming off a big Monday Night win. Also, the Skins can run the ball when Portis is on (but their O-line seemed average at best)…and the running game is the Eagles biggest deficiency, on both sides of the ball.


The Eagles seem to be a team that don’t get too up or too down before a game. This can help or hurt. After games like the pounding the Steelers gave them, we think it helped. The inability to get too jacked up seems like it hurts, especially in big games. We admit, it is hard to tell being a fan what the mood of a team is (it may be impossible), but it seems this way to us.


The weather was really strange. It was pretty cold all morning and until about 3 PM, then it seemed to warm up a bit. The Sun finally made a very brief appearance. The day was at its warmest right before kickoff. After the tailgate, we headed to the game about 45 minutes before kickoff, ready for a close game with a Redskins team that plays the Eagles tough at least one game per year, no matter what their record…


This game was one that had the fans hyped up more than the Eagles.  Looking to continue the good ol’ fashioned NFC East pummeling that had started the week before in Dallas, we were ready to see some action – including more of the Eagles offense, which had returned with a vengeance the prior week.


Wow.  Talk about seeing the opposite of what you expected.  The Eagles offense just didn’t look crisp, outside of one early score to Chad Lewis.  The Redskins managed to hang around with the score 7 to 3, and eventually 7 to 6.


Even with the offense sputtering, the defense keep the Eagles as the dominant force on the field.  They shut down Clinton Portis – and I mean hard.  He was getting hit behind the line of scrimmage all day long.  And the offensive line of the ‘Skins was getting pushed around more than an Honor Roll student at a Godsmack concert.  Portis managed a measly 37 yards, THIRTY-SEVEN!  And it took him 17 carries to even get that.  And if Portis doesn’t break off a 13-yard run in the second half, it would have gone from embarrassing to laughable.


Funny thing though, you never got the feeling – not once – that the Birds were in trouble.  Oh sure, the score was close, but fans were laughing, cracking jokes, and generally relaxed throughout the entire contest.  Never did you feel like the Eagles were in any danger, and you have to think the strong defense they threw at Washington was a huge part of that.


So huge, in fact, that it managed to give the offense some confidence back that they had been lacking.  Tacking on an additional 21 second-half points made the game a rout, and while some media outlets will have you believe (cliché alert!) that “the game was much closer than the score indicates” – they are WAY off base.  The defense was so dominant this game; no power on heaven or earth could have prevented the final outcome of this game.


On a side note, we were actually disappointed in the performance of our section cheerleader, Henry the Red (aka Pukin’ Harmon).  It was probably his worst performance in 8 or 9 years.  He didn’t bother to lead but one or two cheers the entire first half, and the second half, he managed to have people doing the “E-A-G-L-E-S” cheer while our team was on offense.  Sheesh – we don’t wanna make things difficult on the HOME team, gang.  But, seeing as no one is perfect, and Henry the Red is usually one of the top cheerleaders in the joint, we’ve decided to chalk up his poor performance on a rare outbreak of Swine Flu, localized to the area of his individual seat.  I’m sure he won’t disappoint next week.


Skull guy only bothered to stand up once, was given a terse verbal thrashing by the Last Row’s Tom, and didn’t bother to make a second appearance.  Maybe he finally realizes his place in the order of things, but only time will tell.


Bottom line for this game – Eagles showed why Hoge and the rest of his ilk of yellow journalists should be embarrassed to have even thought for a single instant that the Eagles would not repeat as NFC East Champs.  So wrong, that the Eagles can actually clinch the NFC East title with a victor over the New Jersey Giants the weekend after Thanksgiving.  That’s in November, people!  Do you realize how much better your team is than the rest of your competition when you can lock up your division with 5 games left in the season?!?




Cheers!! – Well, we are big fans of Sean Landeta, the Hall of Fame bound punter, who is now with the stinkin’ Rams. Anyway, we were ridiculed back in the Vet (RIP) for cheering for this guy, but when he got hurt, and we had to make due with some poor punters, people began to realize the true worth of a punter. Now, we are stuck with Dirk Johnson. Actually, he’s a good punter; he’s just not Landeta…dammit. We do cheer whenever he has to punt though (we’re cheering the punter – not the fact that the Eagles have to give up the ball).


Our cheer is ‘Diiiiiirrrrkkk Diggler!! I’m gonna be a star!!!!’. Lame? No not lame, any time you can reference Boogie Nights, you are ahead of the game.



Welcome to the City of Brotherly Love, B****!!! Award –  Usually we here at The Last Row reserve this award for the big hit of the game, but there weren’t really many hits that stood above the rest.  To that end, this week’s award goes to Clinton Portis, who was hit behind the line of scrimmage for a loss on the first Redskins offensive play of the game.  While the hit itself wasn’t punishing, it certainly let the Redskins know that they weren’t going to be able to run the ball with impunity like other teams had done to that point.  So we hope you enjoyed your visit to our fair city, Clinton.  But with 17 carries for a measly 37 yards, we’re betting you didn’t.


Final Thoughts from The Last Row –


·      The Last Row would like to heartily thank Vera Wang for designing the Eagles Cheerleaders uniforms over the past few seasons.  They went from some of the NFL’s most average cheerleaders, to some of the NFL’s hottest.  They honestly put the Cowboys Cheerleaders to shame.  Seriously – not just home-town-pride speaking here – just our raging hormones.


·         The Desperate Housewives opening…Grow up, people. Really. Now we understand that people who have children were uncomfortable with the subject matter. We don’t have children (the gene pool is lucky), and it would have been uncomfortable watching that with kids, and you don’t expect to see a woman hitting on a guy before a football game. We get all that.


It was a joke – get over it. What exactly is the NFL selling when they offer Eagles Cheerleaders (or any other teams’) calendars?


We honestly don’t understand the moral outrage. What was it we saw? A woman’s back? You see worse during some daytime commercials. You see worse from beer and pharmaceutical companies during commercials during NFL games – on Sundays!


We understand that various religious and secular leaders love to complain.  I mean, if these guys didn’t complain to their constituency what else would they do?  Certainly not earn an honest buck, that’s for sure.  And what are they afraid of, really? A back? *GASP* Sex?


What’s worse, sex or violence? A lot of the parents who are complaining are the same parents who let their kids play all sorts of video games which portray killing and mutilation on a grandiose scale and are loaded with more bad language and sexual suggestions than that 30 second spot did.


Not only that, but a lot of these people are the same people who 7 or 8 years ago were worried that America was too ‘Politically Correct’. They worried about the ‘PC Police’ and were tired of being told what they could say and what is offensive. Now, they pray that Michael Powell (Chairman of the FCC) will protect us from women’s backs and shock jocks. What a pack of hypocrites.


Has America lost its ability to control itself? Do you want Big Brother determining what you see and listen to? Grow up…




We wonder if a commercial that showed a naked Andy Reid jumping into T.O.’s arms would have offended anyone.  (OK – not really – we know it would have offended everyone, but we just wanted to put THAT scary picture in your mind and see if you could still sleep tonight!)


·          Can anyone explain to us why women love Circ de Solei so damn much?  To us, it always looks like a bunch of French mimes spinning around on ropes accompanied by music that would put even a college student hopped up on No-Doze and Jolt cola to sleep in their tracks.  The only thing worse than watching that junk on TV would be to pay over $100 a ticket to see it in person.  No – we take that back… Actually seeing it live in France would be even worse. *shudder*


·      The flexible Monday Night schedule the NFL is going to is a horrible idea. Now, we know that TV money is the beast that keeps the NFL beast moving. The NFL, however, should keep in mind its most fanatical followers – the fans who actually attend the games, the season ticket holders.


This is how the flexible scheduling will work (we think we have this right (we are referencing Peter King’s column from last week)):


During weeks 11 through 17, the network that has the Monday Night game can request a change to the Monday Night schedule five times.


The Network that has the doubleheader can veto a change that would affect them. Most likely, they would want to protect the National game that week.


Fox or CBS can also veto a pick once per year, whether they have the Doubleheader that week or not.


The changes would happen about two weeks before the game is scheduled.


This really stinks if you go to the games, especially if you travel for work. How can you plan your schedule if, two weeks ahead of time – you may have a game at home on a Monday Night that pops up because of these changes. Of course work takes a precedent, but that means you miss a game. Regular season is only eight games per year, so missing a game really hurts if you are a true fan.


If you’re at the game, you get the short end of the stick already. You get inundated with ads (OK that’s not any different from someone at home – but at least fans at home are…well, home). You wait around for TV time outs. And if your team stinks, you are paying to watch your team lose.


Can’t the NFL show a little compassion here, maybe a compromise? Say week 9, the rest of the year’s schedule is set for weeks 11-17. By then, you know which teams are in the hunt and which aren’t. Things could change, obviously, you can’t predict injuries, but you can’t predict much else in the league. If the rest of the year’s schedule were set week 9, less people would be affected adversely. Yes, you may still get a bad game or two on Monday Nights, but the chances of that would be much less then the chances are now for that happening, and you show season ticket holders you care a little bit. Could one of the two or three people who read these columns please pass this onto Commissioner Tagliabue-ya please?


·      You ever wonder why the Cunningham family used to always let Fonzi hang around so damn much?  We think it was because of the free oil changes.


·      Finally, we are very excited that Paul McCartney is the half time entertainment for the Super Bowl. We’re big fans. IF the Eagles get to the Super Bowl and IF we get selected as some of the season ticket holders to win a right to buy tickets…this seals the deal. We’re going to the Super Bowl. Even if we have to sell Dolfi’s dried up liver to get the money to make the trip.




The Last Row’s Top Six:


Top Six Dungeons and Dragons Attributes Every Eagles Season Ticket Holder Needs


6. WisdomThere’s simply no place for this attribute. If real sports fans learned from prior bad experiences, they probably wouldn’t still be fans, throwing good money after bad on their team. We admit that most Eagles fans have the wisdom of a level 2 orc fighter. And yeah, a lot of us look like orcs. Speaking of looks…


5. CharismaWe don’t like you, and you don’t like us. It’s better this way.


4. StrengthNot really needed in the stadium, but it is needed outside of the stadium. Hauling around coolers and sneaking beer into the stadium requires some level of strength, but not that much. Your average Elf Ranger would need more.


3. DexterityYou need about a 13 DEX to be a good season ticket holder. This is most needed when purchasing things (beer) at the stadium. Getting your wallet out, paying, and getting your wallet back into your pocket with change within 12 seconds is about what is needed to keep the (beer) line moving. Also, being able to expertly handle your beverages up and down the stairs and in your seat is a nice bonus. A 13 DEX may not be good enough to get beyond a level 5 cutpurse, but keeps stadium commerce humming along nicely.


2. IntelligenceYou may choose to not believe this attribute is needed, but it is. If you want to maximize your game experience, you need to know how to think on your feet. Parking is tough enough with four major sporting/entertainment buildings in a very small area; you need to be able to change plans quickly. You also need a sensitive communications network to tell any last minute changes to your fellow tailgaters. Once inside the stadium, you need to map out the quickest routes to the bathroom, exit and concession area – finding the quickest bathroom and concession area is a tricky calculation also. Will the intelligence needed have you outcasting Gwylneer The Black on the Ether Planes of Grimrood? No, of course not, who can outcast the legendary Gwylneer? A 15 INT will maximize your game experience, however.


1. Constitution – Game days are long days. They can be uncomfortable days, with lots of food and drink. You need to be tougher than beef jerky at 15 degrees farenheit to attend NFL games, especially when it gets cold.

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