Friday - Apr 19, 2019

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The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life. 

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.

 

The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”

 

QB – John Navarre (ARI) – It’s getting tougher and tougher to write about deeper sleepers now that the bye weeks have passed and you loyal readers are …BZZZT… gearing up for the playoffs.  Other moes in your league that do not follow BetBot advice should be firmly swimming in your …BZZT… wake.  Sing with me kids – “It’s beginning to look a lot like BetBot…” Anyway, I’m always on the lookout for some fresh young talent, whether it’s …BZZZT… serving drinks at the Kit Kat Klub or starting at QB for an NFL team.  The important thing to remember is to keep your investment small.  There’s a lot to like about Navarre’s situation – he’s got that great young receiver corps to work with, the running back’s banged up, and we’re looking at games …BZZT… against DET, SF, and STL on the schedule.  Hopefully your QB is already set, but keep an eye on Navarre … BZZZT… just don’t fall in love if he has a big game or two.  This selection brought to you by Dennis Green’s odd draft decisions.

 

QB – Kyle Boller (BAL) – Let me tell you a little story.  I once knew a Vegas dealer named Nick Scarbonni.  Now Nick had a bad habit – he liked to deal one off the bottom once in a while, to his friends.  Of course he got paid well for the effort – very well.

Now I told Nick that he was gonna’ …BZZZT.. get his arm broke if the “eye in the sky” or any of the players he was cheating ever caught him, but Nick was a little too slick for his own good.  Sure enough, Nick was bottom-dealing a King of Clubs to make a buddy’s straight draw, and one of the guys at the table sees the grift.  Well, this guy jumps up, and …BZZZT… grabs Nick by the throat and busts his collar bone with a well placed punch.

Ok, ok, yer thinkin’ I slipped a …BZZZT… cog somewhere.  But trust me there is a point to all this.  The bottom line is that Nick never dealt the same after that, in fact he was terrible – slow and not even a little smooth.  But it still never stopped him from dealing one off the bottom when a golden opportunity presented itself.

The card on the bottom of the deck is the anything but smooth Kyle Boller this week.  I mean you can’t get a much worse fantasy QB than Boller has been.  But a golden opportunity is presenting itself – the Cincy defense.  The Bungles let up an un…BZZZT…believable 413 yards to Kelly Holcombe.  (Kelly Holcome, people!)  If there was ever a time to deal the card off the bottom, this is it. Nick would be proud.

 

RB – Larry Johnson (KC) – Another odd draft pick, considering that Priest Holmes was already unloading on the league when the Chiefs …BZZZT… tabbed this Nittany Lion with their first pick instead of, say, ANYONE that plays defense.  Considering the 3-8 record, don’t be surprised if Holmes …BZZT… packs it in for the year.  That’s good news for Johnson, because he’ll get his chance to shine behind KC’s massive O-Line against OAK, TEN, and DEN over the next three weeks.  Don’t worry about Blaylock either, I’ve got a feeling he’s not going to be involved as much as LJ.  It may just be the Gin, but …BZZT… what the hey.  Also, interesting keeper league value with Johnson, who’ll be a free agent soon.

 

WR – Joe Jurevicius (TB) – I know what you’re thinking, but I did not solicit advice from Joe Paterno before …BZZZT… working on this piece.  I did, however, consult former PSU star Tom Bill, only because he’s a good drinking buddy of mine and we used to work together ‘capping the games for …BZZT… a bookie named The Stallion.  Hey, it wasn’t the best period of my life, but I was on the ropes for a period of time during the mid-90’s.  Anyway, Tom Bill is a good man.  A good bleeping man.  And it’s not like Sinatra and Dino are coming around here anymore, see?  All I get now is Ben Affleck and Dennis Rodman!  Rodman tries to take all the women, which is fine considering he can still hold his liquor, but Affleck has …BZZT… no chance of fitting in with the new Rat Pack I’m forming.  Besides, Tom Bill showed me the tasty Bucs schedule featuring ATL, SD, and NO.  You know I love anyone playing the Saints, right?  Galloway has taken a career path eerily similar to that girl from the Species movies …BZZZT… BZZT… so try out Joe J. if you need help at WR.

  

TE – Stephen Alexander (DET) – The Lions may turn to Mike McMahon if Harrington keeps this mess up.  And who’s a bad QB’s best friend?  The robot who wants to tempt him with Savannah from Club Risque in exchange for a little point shaving, that’s who.  Just kidding …BZZT… bad QB’s like their friends on the end of the line.  It’s because those guys move slower than receivers, and they make big targets.  Kind of like throwing to Marlon Brando, if he could move.  Anyway, Alexander’s been involved in the offense all year, and Detroit’s got ARI, GB, and MIN on the docket.  Not a bad play if you …BZZZT… need the help.

 

K – Rian Lindell (BUF) – I like this guy.  I …BZZZT… really do.  And so should you, against a Miami team that is tough enough to keep teams from scoring every time they get in the red zone, giving their opponents plenty of FG opportunities – 21 or so far this year.  The Dolphins offense also helps matters out by being poor enough that they’ll give Buffalo plenty of 3 and outs in order to get their offense on the field as much as possible.  Toss in McGahee’s 111-yard performance against Miami in their first meeting and you can see that Lindell is gonna get a few FG chances, and more than likely a PAT or two to …BZZZT… boot.

 

D/ST – Rams (STL) – Let’s face facts – the Rams’ defense stinks this year.  They’ve given up over 4,000 yards already this season, and they have a league-worst 4 interceptions.  Did I …BZZZT… mention that they only have 10 turnovers in all if you toss in their 6 fumble recoveries (also among the league’s worst)?  With all of that going for them, one might wonder if I spilled gin on one of my circuits.  #1 – I …BZZT… NEVER spill gin.  #2 – The Rams are playing the 49ers – and if there is ever a team for a defense to have a good game against – it’s the 1-10 San Fran patsies.  It doesn’t hurt that the game is in the friendly confines of their dome-sweet-dome, either.

 

Tecmo Super Bowl Note of the Week

The Computer giveth…and the Computer taketh away

No, not Psalm 21, just a good lesson to remember as your Tecmo season gets closer to the playoffs.  Computers do not like to lose (trust me, I’ve played Deep Blue in chess hundreds of times and the …BZZT… jerk will not take a dive for me – and I’m the bot that hooked him up with the 9/6 video poker machine at the Trop).  So, the longer you go undefeated in TSB, the more the game starts to cheat.  One thing you’ll notice is that if your defense nabs a turnover late in the season, you’ll turn it over on your next offensive play.  Don’t let the game treat you like this – take the next play and run your QB right out of bounds.

 

Feedback Loop

Dear Sin City BetBot 6000,

 

You are a robot.  I get it.  All I have to do is look up at your byline, and there I see a picture of you looking like Robbie the Robot’s cousin.  What schtick! So- since I am willing to do my part and suspend my disbelief regarding your persona, why don’t you and your transcribers eliminate the annoying “BZZT” gimmick in your articles?  What do you think? I know you are from the 50’s, but cover for it by saying that you hit a four team parlay and decided to

treat yourself to an upgrade chip!  Make something up- I don’t care!

 

Knock that “BZZT” crap off!

 

Thanks!

 

Adam M.

No City Given

 

Dear Adam M.,

You get my schtick!? You get my bleeping schtick?! Well thank God the all-important Adam M. gets my bleeping schtick!! I am so bleeping happy!! I was just…BZZT… thinking the other day,” I sure do hope that Adam bleeping M. of No City Given gets…BZT… my bleeping schtick!!”  Tell me something, Adam; is the mass incompetence you exhibit in your…BZZT… everyday life part of your schtick? Is your dependence on Viagra part of your schtick?!! No? It’s just who you are? Your ham-handed dealings with people face to face? That’s not part…BZZT… of your schtick either?!?!

 

No, Adam M., those “BZZT”s are not some device to…BZZZT… make you think I am an old robot. Those “BZZT”s are the result of a horrid act committed upon my…person over 20 years ago. Those speaker box malfunctions stay in the printed…BZZT… version of my column for two reasons:

 

1)      The three clowns who transcribe my columns don’t always get …BZZZT…what I say down correctly. So, I gave them instructions to write down EVERYTHING I say. Everything, even my speaker box malfunctions – and they still manage to screw it up. What do you want? It’s not like they’re getting paid.

2)      More importantly, those malfunctions…BZZT… serve as a reminder to myself. A reminder of the only time Yours Truly felt like a victim.

 

I have to give you some background here. I used to have a business partner who was …BZZT…very well connected to the mob. His name was Jimmy Hatchback. Let’s just say that in 1984 Jimmy Hatchback ran afoul of his business partners, and ended up in a 1979 Honda in Lake Tahoe (allegedly), otherwise, I couldn’t speak of this incident. In 1982, however, Jimmy was alive and well, and a doofus. Jimmy was related to a guy who was very powerful, and could…BZT… get away with whatever he wanted to get away with. Jimmy and I had certain legitimate business concerns, and I considered him a partner. That changed one night in 1982.

You see, Jimmy went to Purdue for a year and pursued a degree…BZZT… in Electrical Engineering. Jimmy was kicked out because all he did was play with soldering irons and stare at the co-eds. He moved to Vegas eventually, and that’s where I met …BZZZT…him. He never lost the knack for playing with electronics; I think that may be why he went into…BZT… business with me. Sometimes, I would catch him staring at me – probably in the same way he used to stare at those co-eds from Purdue. Real spooky.

 

Jimmy had been tooling around with a Speak N Spell and one night…Well…He basically attacked me – he was coked up and he…BZZZT… attacked me. He got into my logic board and soldered the damn Speak N Spell right onto me. He …BZZZZT…was so hopped up that I couldn’t really fight back. If I hit him, I knew he could short my power supply and then who’d make book? The whole…BZT… thing was humiliating for me and very traumatic. A week later Jimmy came down off of whatever…BZZZT… he was on, and allowed me to get the Speak N Spell taken off. For that horrid week, I could…BZZT… only do something if someone typed the…BZT… command into the Speak N Spell keyboard.  It was awful – a roll …BZZZT…at a craps table took 6 minutes, and that was only if the person I was with…BZZZT… typed everything in correctly the first time. A lot of mice died needlessly that week in Las Vegas. The ‘M’ and ‘D’ were too close together. Oh, the…BZZT… horror. Ever since that time, I have had a speaker box malfunction…BZZZT… that I can’t fix.

 

Anyway – I want to never forget how…BZZT… fragile life is. That’s why I keep those “BZZT”s Adam. In this time of the holidays, change and fantasy football…BZZZT… playoffs, I feel that’s a good lesson. We should all feel good…BZZT… about each other, and remember our limitations.

 

So put that in yer bleeping 5 and a 1/4 inch floppy drive and spin it, Adam.

 

Love, BetBot 6k

 

If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at twalls@fantasysharks.com .

 

So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT Gin.

 

About Fantasy Sharks

FantasySharks.com began in 2003, disseminating fantasy football content on the web for free. It is, or has been, home to some of the most talented and best known fantasy writers on the planet. Owned and operated by Tony Holm (5 time Fantasy Sports Writer Association Hall-of-Fame nominee,) Tony started writing fantasy content in 1993 for the only three fantasy football web sites in existence at the time.